What Else Can Happen??

[scout86]

I think you're handling this fine, all things considered and I don't think you have to worry about people here getting sick of this. (If they do, they just need to ignore the thread. Simple.) It's a mess. Not one you created, but one you have to work through. You're doing that and you seem to be being pretty reasonable, all things considered.

A suggestion, based on experience with MY family. Deal with them as little as you can. They say there's paperwork that needs to be signed for the cremation? Then contact the outfit doing the cremation and ask THEM about it. Usually a company like that can be trusted to explain things accurately. They have little reason not to. They are used to explaining this stuff, they do it all the time. They are used to family dramas, misunderstandings and all kinds of other weird stuff. It's part of the job. Here, apparently cremation is handled differently than it is there. If you want to be cremated you just say you want to be cremated. Certainly no one asked me and I had the impression my dad DIDN'T want to be cremated and he was anyway, because it's what my mom wanted. But, a lot of this stuff does vary by states.

Anyway, in general, what worked best for me, was if I dealt with the organizations involved, not my family members. If I wanted to know how my dad was doing, I asked the hospital, not my mom or my brother, etc. The information was more accurate and there was no drama. Dealing with a dysfunctional family, from the outside, it's too hard to sort out the accurate information from the attempts to manipulate or act out some kind of agenda. I just found out who the actual entity involved was and called them. (To find out what the funeral arrangements for my dad were, I check his obit in the local paper because no one else bothered to inform me, much less ask what I thought.)

I hope you feel better soon, and I hope all this resolves soon too. Have you talked to anyone other than family about your mother's condition? I can't help but wonder how accurately they're representing things. Probably accurately, but I had a number of times when I got one, usually dramatic, story from family and a somewhat different story from the health care providers.

Hang in there!

 

[KeepingTime]

Lost have you gotten the letter that they want signed? If so maybe take it to t today. I can see having to have all parties sign for cremation but just be careful it doesn't have any wording about financial responsibity. The crematorium wouldn't have any power to hold you responsible for anything else. Also you could ask the crematorium if it's already been paid for. I imagine they would want payment prior to actually doing it.
I live in the same state. I can't see how the state would come after you for this. That's a scare tactic. If anything, they might send you a certified letter if you didn't sign just to prove that you received it to cover their butts. Don't let your sister in law bully you otherwise.
When my mom was in the nursing home in the end they had me get all my siblings sign my moms DNR because she didn't have a living will. And just so that none of the siblings could come back and sue them.
I am glad that your dad and step mom are running interference for you with dealing with your family.
And as for that other letter...if you are drawing a blank screen, maybe that's your brain needing a rest. You have covered more realms of emotion in the past week than most cover in a lifetime. So cut your brain some slack! :) it's working overtime.
Ironic how the body gets physically sick when the mind is stressed past its breaking point. It's your body saying "hey remember me? I need you right now. Take care of me not them."
Take care of yourself. If at all possible do something just for you. Or your dog. A walk or the dog park. Something where you can let your brain rest for a minute.
Still have my Pom poms out and cheering for you!
Hugs.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

When my mom was in the nursing home in the end they had me get all my siblings sign my moms DNR because she didn't have a living will. And just so that none of the siblings could come back and sue them.

Exactly. I understood it fast because i had already looked up and read all of the Florida laws around kinship of a decesed and especially the laws around cremation and kinship. Theres a HUGE hole in the law about one tier of kinship (all children of the deceased is on the same tier) not agreeing with cremation (and a DNR as you cant undo a DNR either) and because of the nature of cremation, its un-doable, they all have extra policies. I called the Crematorium (though any funeral home in Florida probably would of suffice as they all have this policy) and they have extra policies in place to basically get my permission to cremate her so i cant come back later and say "i didnt want her cremated and i didnt allow this" as Florida law does state that one of the kinship on the same tier can object; and then I could sue the pants off of the Crematorium that did it. So its just a CYA policy due to the law lacking in the need to claim her or claim anything to do with her but says i can come back and object later. It just had the law on it and says do you agree with this law and (in very legal words) said basically do you understand that this is un-doable. Just to cover their asses.

Here, apparently cremation is handled differently than it is there. If you want to be cremated you just say you want to be cremated.

Probably because your State laws are written different so that you cant object later. Thats specifically written in the Florida law. You dont have to even claim to know her but can object later if you are the next in line on the kinship list in the law.

Anyway, in general, what worked best for me, was if I dealt with the organizations involved, not my family members.

Thats why i wanted the Crematoriums phone number but i think my brother was emailed both forms (which is why it had to be emailed, she needed to foward mine to me) as his wife sent me a half filled out "Order to Cremate". It doesnt have their information printed on it except for them being written by, I think, Albert, the guy at the Crematorium. I googled that written place and the city and theres only one in the city so called them. Got Albert and I knew it was right as Albert is whom emailed my sister in law the forms. Albert then explained it to me in 2 mins. I understood it as i had already read all the laws and saw the huge hole already, my sister in law consulted with a lawyer when googling the laws and a 2 min convo with Albert does the same thing.

As to how she is, it might sound horrible and harsh and stuff, but I honestly dont care (or dont think i do right now). Im starting to feel rather pissed and im not sure fully where to place that but i think its at my family maybe. It started to boil last night after i hear that my family uncovered yet another one of my mom's masks but cant seem to see her for what she is. All i ask from them is to admit that something happened, not believe that what happened did.

I dont know why i bother to be angry at all. Its my insane family afterall that strives on drama, they cant admit that they were wrong. They must save face before anything. I must be the insane liar for that to work. Its how its always been. But im not sure if that anger is fully placed there. Still trying to figure it out.

Ive been trying to figure out what i feel about my mom now that the family has settled a bit and im really not sure. I think ive successfully numbed myself to deal with the family and unnumbing myself is rather difficult for me to do alone. My therapist is good at getting me unnumbed or at least he's good at stiring emotions a bit so that they start to flow. Im hoping that after today's appointment, i can come on here and talk more about her and my feelings about her. Post more "letters" or whatever. Theres a lot there, I just cant get to any of it now. I think a lot of anger is there, just not sure if thats part of the anger im currently feeling. But anger is easy for me...i want to get to the deeper emotions. So maybe after today's appointment. Maybe i have to get through the anger first. Not sure.

 

[scout86]

As to how she is, it might sound horrible and harsh and stuff, but I honestly dont care (or dont think i do right now).

Doesn't sound either horrible or harsh to me. The only reason I'm wondering how she's doing is that I can't quite imagine a law that lets your kids forbid you to be cremated if you, yourself, want to be cremated. Seems kind of nuts. But I'm sure there are stranger laws.

I can see plenty for you to feel anger about, and in the present, not the past. These people are playing silly mind games and jerking you around. That would make me angry too.

BTW, I think I remember reading mention of you writing a letter to your mother, telling her exactly how you see things? (Could be wrong about that.) I kind of like the idea of writing it and sending it to her, if she can read it. Probably won't change a thing, just gives you a chance to speak your peace. Sounds like a good idea even if she never sees the letter.

Happy Therapy Day! :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

BTW, I think I remember reading mention of you writing a letter to your mother, telling her exactly how you see things? (Could be wrong about that.) I kind of like the idea of writing it and sending it to her, if she can read it. Probably won't change a thing, just gives you a chance to speak your peace. Sounds like a good idea even if she never sees the letter.

Good memory. My therapist wanted me to back a few years ago but i couldnt. Dont know why, the only reason I gave him was that it would cycle quickly through my family and come back to hit my dad, which is true, but i know theres way more to that. Feeling still controled maybe, its still "the secert" maybe, really unsure why still, on her deathbed now, i cant seem to mail a letter to her.

I did write a few here, the last one i didnt remember writing so i think thats the deeper one. I can, and hopefully will soon, write another here. Actually, it might be the only way to dig through what ive now just been lunged into...all of those intense emotions i couldnt go near before. At least I think thats what has happened and why it feels (or felt before i numbed it all) feeling everything at its highest intensity all at once. Hopefully i can get something unnumbed in a bit at my therapist's. He normally doesnt let me stay numb long. Its just so difficult to feel anything now though i know theres so much there. And now that the family has settled a bit, im frustrating myself trying to feel something when i cant seem to.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My therapist said he doesnt think i'll be able to process a ton until she passes cause all the focus is on her now and though my family has settled a bit, they are like a startled bee hive and they wont settle as much as i need to start to process due to numbing to protect myself from them...which he agreed, thats why i numbed it all.

What i'll do, which makes sense to me since once she dies, my therapist says a whole new level of processing will start (like a new chapter), i'll keep posting here and maybe a few "letters" individually for whatever comes up while she's alive and once i hear she has passed, i'll start a new thread about that and and see if i can work that out. I think before she passes, if i keep sitting with it, i'll start to un-numb slowly and as i do, likely there will be some extreme emotions and "junk" coming to the surface and I think having a place to work that out specifically about her before she passes is good.

I think a new thread as soon as i hear she has passed is needed as i think theres going to be a whole new level of "junk" that will come out, things ive never seen before or felt before, and that will help to muddle through the new stuff. And its like posting about the beginning of the "new chapter" too.

 

[Chimera]

Sending support Lost.

 

[Heather]

Me too @lostforgottensoul . Hang in there. You are doing the best you can under difficult circumstances.

Hugs.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

** I wrote this yesterday but forgot to finish it: Thanks @Heather! Im trying so hard to sort through stuff...so hard. And its becoming impossible to keep my shit together. Im flying off the handle over just the most tiny stuff that has never fazed me before or at least didnt it effect me as much to just literally explode everywhere.

** Now today, I go to 'check' what im feeling...back to numb. What the f*ck with this feel everything flying into a rage everywhere then numb and cant feel a god damn thing? Like if im going to feel everything, ok, its sucks but ok, let me dig in and figure out how to deal with it.

I think, obviously I could be wrong, but I think, numbness start to come down, im feeling too much and cant deal or figure out how at least half way deal and i end up going numb again. WTF do I do? I would love to take a tiny bit of numbness down, deal, more, deal etc but it aint happening like that. Its f*cking all shake up my entire world HELLO or nothing. Its FRUSTRATING!

Maybe I will just let it be until she dies cause that potionally can be a while and if the bulk wont start til then. I wanted to deal with what i could now but ugh!

 

[Heather]

Everything you are feeling is completely understandable.....there's a WHOLE load of emotions going on inside of you. I'd be all over the place too.

And of course it's turning your world upside down.....she's your mother and from what I've read you didn't get what you needed from her and she was pretty abusive.

None of this easy...keeping writing it out....you have much support here.

Hugs.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

she's your mother and from what I've read you didn't get what you needed from her and she was pretty abusive.

Eh, she was only a cult leader. I say that and it makes every one else gasp, it doesnt faze me a bit. But she is still my mom so it makes it VERY complicated all by it self without her dying. And i was nearing the core of all of this, everything raw, everything new, and already very vulernable and boom, she goes and is dying. WTF do I do with that?

there's a WHOLE load of emotions going on inside of you.

There is but this "all in", cant handle, life upside down, flying of the handle everywhere; or all numb. Its not seeming to be something that im going to be able to sort through before she dies. I have no idea how to even grab just one thing to deal with it when its all spinning too fast and its all too much...too intense...too everything. It turns everything on its end and im all flying off the handle everywhere. So maybe staying numb until she dies is a good thing (if I can)? Deal with it after shes gone? Most especially since i wont be "turnung the corner" or dealing with the bulk of the stuff until she is gone?

I dont know but I suspect that my "inner child" isnt going to stay silent. I can feel "her" knocking around inside. Its weird to even say that. Its the halted emotions, no life skills, sort of innocent child-like part of me that makes it seem like you are speaking to an adult and a child at the same time. Its the child-like part of me that is screaming to be heard but damn, if it comes with all of that, Im not sure i can allow "her" to be heard....

 

[scout86]

But she is still my mom

You can't exactly help that. You've heard the expression "sperm donor"? Well, I'm sure there's a female equivalent. She's your biological mother, true enough, but it really doesn't sound like she's any more than that. (You can tell your inner child that I said I'm really sorry she didn't get the mother she deserved, but she's done a pretty darn good job of getting through without one!"