Relationship What Else Can I Do? He Is Laying In Bed With The Blinds Shut.

[Sunshine71]

Me again

Its been months and then a fair few postings.Today is tough.

My husband was hurt in a hit and run car accident and because of this we have a case handler set up by the insurance company.

I havent spoken to her in ages.

She was supportive when I called just now and getting huubys counsellor to call him soon - There is no more funding so he doesnt see him anymore.

I have just stopped crying my eyes out.

Hubby drove off but back now and isnt able to talk.

He is laying in bed with the blinds shut and its 11.30am.

In 2 hours I have the school Xmas fair.

My eyes are sore.

I am going to leave him to rest and I am going to focus the best I can on some work.

What else can I do?

Will this end?

Can we have a normal life again?

Thanks for being there.

Sunshine

 

[wife of]

If he needs to isolate but you need to be elsewhere then if you are sure he is safe to be left and will not come to any harm,just make sure he has a contact number and a precise time of when you will be back,maybe write it down and leave it by him in a noticeable place and then go.

You need to make sure that you do things for you and let him deal with stuff by himself til he is able to let you help him deal with things.

I find that trying to bring my hubs out of isolation only breeds resentment and misunderstanding,left to it the period is usualy shorter.

Sue.

 

[ronnalee]

Distancing himself helps him to feel 'safe' - I agree, do what you can without prying. Body language speaks volumes. As long as he knows you care and you are there for him.
Hope you find some relief in numbers.....many of us are in this with you.:)

<Please keep artistic posting for the Chit Chat area only>

 

[AngelaMarie]

I wish I had some real good words of advice.
All I can tell you is that when I need to isolate I do it and when I am ready I come back out in to the world. As is said above isolating can make us feel safe when we need it.
I wish you the best of luck!

 

[wife of]

I think the word "Isolating" doesn't help in itself as it smacks of coldness and resentment,I try to think of it as his "thinking time" or "time out".

Just remember not to take it personaly,its not about you in 99% of the cases,its not realy about the toothpaste being squeezed in the middle or the muddy footprint or the dog eating a biscuit on the couch,just let him chill and get control of himself.He can't handle being around other people until he can handle being him.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks so much everyone.

I hadnt really understood 'isolating' before. Maybe its a female thing as I feel its good to talk. I am trying this at the moment although I did pop down for a piece of toast (he asked me) and this ended up with sacastic comments and miserable answers.

I am scared that he could do something stupid during these times.

Thank you amazing people xxx

 

[ronnalee]

Avoidance and numbing come to mind for me. I've also learned that my sufferer has layers of intricate non-beneficial coping strategies. After 5 years I am finally able to not take the hateful actions personally.

I am able to respond rather than react. Not 100% of the time...(((o: I finally have reached out to friends who are supportive who reached out to me. And I'm calling today for a counseling appt. for myself too. And when I save up some money, I'm getting a massage!

<It is not necessary to quote the post directly above your reply. Thank Amethist>

 

[BloomInWinter]

Job number one is always...take care of yourself, first. Kids, second. Sufferer...as you are able.

There is a difference between helping and enabling. Usually applied to addiction, but could easily be applied to PTSD.

"Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves. Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves."
Source: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/info2/a/aa052197.htm

Helping encourages recovery. Enabling takes on their illness and makes it a part of ourselves.

Take care of you...decide what you need, and find friends, family, others able to give it to you, whether or not your sufferer ever does, and you'll be doing the hard work of healing your life in a way that promotes long-term health.

(((((Sunshine))))))

 

[BloomInWinter]

I am scared that he could do something stupid during these times.

If he is verbalizing self-harm, and laying that on you, that is emotional blackmail and NOT on you to prevent or try to control. It is NOT possible for you to do so.

We have a responsibility to NOT do that to our carers. That is stuff I discuss with my T., or with my 12 Step sponsors...but I do NOT lay that at my loved one's feet.

What did he say? I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks so much for your super words and advice.

At the moment hubby is saying that he doesn't know what he wants - It is too much effort to keep trying on getting better. I have said that I am excited about our future - him building a new career, us going on lovely holidays, seeing our son grow up - get through school - learn, bring his first girlfriend home and say Hey mum and dad lets go down the pub!

I was hoping to inspire him and to help hubby think - yes we have a great deal.

Instead he said that he doesnt care.

:O(

 

[amethist]

Oh sunshine this must be hard for you, but it could be that he finds it impossible to look that for ahead just yet.

Give him a lot more time, and you will see him coming back to you. It may well be very slowly, you cant rush it, but it will happen.

How much time ? Sorry no one can tell you that, it could be 6 weeks, 3 months or 2 years, take your pick.

But dont do too much of the future thing, he cannot see that far just yet. Tomorrow or next week may seem too far away some days, even the next hour could be too much.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you Amethist - Have taken on board xxxx