Justmehere
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I am posting a lot lately, I know. Thanks for being patient with me right now. It is a hard season of life.
I am really embarrassed about this post. It is not only about the stupid horrible things I did, but also really long. I need to share it somewhere.
I really screwed up here.
3 months ago, I got home from an intensive PTSD treatment program that pushed me too far too fast. They meant well, but I came home and I came undone.
The first day back was one of the worst days for me.
The second day back, I was severely dissociative. I had not been that dissociative outside of actual trauma happening or a trauma therapy session. I was losing time and my doctor suggested I use my MP3 player to voice record my day so I would have a way to help me remember. (This is totally legal in my state to do.)
So on the third day, I turned the MP3 player on voice record and I went about my day. I did this for several days and it really helped me not lose so much time while so badly dissociative.
Then went to a Sunday school class. I went at a church that I have gone to regularly for about 2 years. I attended the church prior to that, but only every now and then. For the past two years I built some rally close friendships and let myself be vulnerable enough to tell a couple people I had PTSD, and that I went for intensive treatment for it, and under a community pastors urging, I told two friends I was struggling when I got back. So I risked it.
Unknown to me (at the time) one of these friends told this bible study leader. She did it with good intentions, not maliciously, out of a desire to see me be supported. It wasn't a good idea, but it was what it was.
I didn't know she did that, and just went to the bible study class, with the recorder on.
At the end of the class, they asked for prayer requests. I shared that a friend was very sick and in hospice. Another person and I talked, she was so sweet and said that's awful. Yes, let's pray for that.
The leader jumped in and offered help from the church for my friend and I said thanks but no thanks, I know she doesn't want that already. The church leader offered again and again. I said no each time.
The fourth time, I said "will you please stop?"
She didn't. So I said. "enough, I just asked for prayer for her, I don't need you to continue to give me unasked for advice and keep trying to save her when she doesn't want that and I don't either." I stood up to leave to enforce the boundary. I was also feeling really ashamed that I couldn't say no and have it respected.
The leader thanked me for leaving as I walked out the door. I turned and said, "Thank you? For running in shame?"
I left and broke down sobbing.
The “community pastor" was there and told me they didn't support her actions. This was a miscommunication and I never even figured out what he meant.
I was told not to come back to the study. That was ok, because I didn't want to go back, but yet it wasn't. People knew and asked why didn't I go back.
No one could tell me what I did wrong. No one. I talked to a therapist at a walk in clinic and played the recording of those few short minutes to ask if I had gone crazy and was missing something horrible I did in that moment. They said no...
I moved on, except I didn't. I felt hurt to walk past a room I was banned from without anyone telling me why. It went on for month after month.
I emailed the pastor. I told him I played the recording for another Christian (the walk in therapist happened to be one) professional and no one could tell me what I did wrong. (I think any professional could have reviewed it with me.)
We talked the matter over several times, and I had told him, I am done talking about it. It's not worth all this talking with him and not the leader who did this. Who ran over a clear boundary and badly. He kept saying yeah, she is busy with family matters and she was - a family member was sick. So I had said, then how about we let this go and all move on...
He still asked to again about a project I was doing. I went to meet with him. I had been at the hospital today and had been given bad medical news. I told him, “I'm not well today, I'm massively stressed out and sick, so I need this to be an easy no stress conversation.” We talked about a silly event I put on to make sandwiches for homeless kids and teens. It was fine. He said the church would support it in the future financially, I just needed to call anytime and he would make it happen. We talked of rumors that had been passed around because of my friend who blabbed too much to others. We talked about someone telling me I donated the wrong peanut butter for my own volunteer project at my expense.... We talked about this weird attitude that has grown with the few people my friend talked to about how I was struggling. They seemed to never think I was capable, and the pastor agreed it was off-kilter and the church members should not be critical of what peanut butter jar I buy with my own money for my own volunteer project that I’m fully financially responsible for. It’s just peanut butter.
He seemed to get it, and yet he seemed to be weird. In the moment, I couldn’t place my finger on it. I told him I can't deal with any more. I can't do it. I need space. I started to stand up to leave.
Then he said that he was ready to have me go back to the group, except he had read my email. And in my email, “you mention you recorded the bible study and you played it for someone else.”
I said, “yes, a therapist. We have talked about how I listened to it several times and played it for a therapist. You always tell me not to listen to it over and over and I assure you I listened to it once with a therapist and twice on my own.”
He said, "yeah, you see, you can't go back because you broke trust by recording the bible study and then playing it for someone else."
He said, “the bible study was confidential and it wasn't ok I did that.
I told him, “there was nothing anyone said to indicate it was confidential, no one treated my info with any confidentiality, and additionally, I shared the info with a therapist. No names. They can’t release it. I just talked to a therapist.”
He said. “yeah, you can't do that. How would you feel if I taped this meeting and played it for my therapist?”
“I think that would be a damn good idea! What you do in your therapy is up to you and it’s perfectly legal to record what I say and bring it to your therapy session for your healing process”
He continued on. He confirmed, “even if you had not recorded anything, just talked to the therapist, that is still breaking confidentiality.”
He confirmed no one tells newcomers the rule of confidentiality. Ironically, I have a recording that could prove this too. No one ever says if you come to this church, don’t share anything with your therapist. But he kept telling me I couldn’t talk to the therapist about it.
“You broke trust.”
That's when I lost it.
I told him, “They (the people who cut me down over what peanut butter I bought) never trusted me to buy the right peanut butter. There was no trust in me to break. You broke my trust months ago. YOU TRASHED IT.”
From there the interaction and situation got much worse. But for now, this is as far as I can write and I want to really look at this part that happened. It lead to the rest...
I have some strong feelings about what I did wrong in all of this up to this point. I can actually see his perspective… to a point.
I record because I was dissociative. I have very little memory of anything that whole week in May without the recording helping to bring it back.
If I had to do it again, I would have recorded it, and never told him. I would still talk to the therapist, and I would have told no one.
Is this wrong?
I really think I sabotaged myself and that there are some trauma-reenactment patterns happening. NOT new trauma, but past patterns repeating.
I set a clear boundary. Person in position of power, authority and trust above me pushes the boundary. I speak out to try and keep me safe and have the pain end. Larger group of people confirms the wrong behavior of the person in power and yet decides I’m the bad guy for speaking up about it (in this case to the therapist.) I fumble along and say WAY too much at the wrong moments and open up myself to more hurt. Eventually when I realize I am being scapegoated, I act out even more. Then worse pain happens.
I know the red flags for abusive organizations. I know that several have come up now and I'm struggling with a lot of shock, grief, and confusion about it. Unspoken rules, scapegoating, secrecy, switch and bait (come for one thing, and they have another thing planned), excessive control, etc. These are all red flags that this is not a healthy group.
Any outside feedback on this would be very welcome. I need help to see this clearly. Was I more in the wrong than I realize (up to the point that I have described so far)?
I am really embarrassed about this post. It is not only about the stupid horrible things I did, but also really long. I need to share it somewhere.
I really screwed up here.
3 months ago, I got home from an intensive PTSD treatment program that pushed me too far too fast. They meant well, but I came home and I came undone.
The first day back was one of the worst days for me.
The second day back, I was severely dissociative. I had not been that dissociative outside of actual trauma happening or a trauma therapy session. I was losing time and my doctor suggested I use my MP3 player to voice record my day so I would have a way to help me remember. (This is totally legal in my state to do.)
So on the third day, I turned the MP3 player on voice record and I went about my day. I did this for several days and it really helped me not lose so much time while so badly dissociative.
Then went to a Sunday school class. I went at a church that I have gone to regularly for about 2 years. I attended the church prior to that, but only every now and then. For the past two years I built some rally close friendships and let myself be vulnerable enough to tell a couple people I had PTSD, and that I went for intensive treatment for it, and under a community pastors urging, I told two friends I was struggling when I got back. So I risked it.
Unknown to me (at the time) one of these friends told this bible study leader. She did it with good intentions, not maliciously, out of a desire to see me be supported. It wasn't a good idea, but it was what it was.
I didn't know she did that, and just went to the bible study class, with the recorder on.
At the end of the class, they asked for prayer requests. I shared that a friend was very sick and in hospice. Another person and I talked, she was so sweet and said that's awful. Yes, let's pray for that.
The leader jumped in and offered help from the church for my friend and I said thanks but no thanks, I know she doesn't want that already. The church leader offered again and again. I said no each time.
The fourth time, I said "will you please stop?"
She didn't. So I said. "enough, I just asked for prayer for her, I don't need you to continue to give me unasked for advice and keep trying to save her when she doesn't want that and I don't either." I stood up to leave to enforce the boundary. I was also feeling really ashamed that I couldn't say no and have it respected.
The leader thanked me for leaving as I walked out the door. I turned and said, "Thank you? For running in shame?"
I left and broke down sobbing.
The “community pastor" was there and told me they didn't support her actions. This was a miscommunication and I never even figured out what he meant.
I was told not to come back to the study. That was ok, because I didn't want to go back, but yet it wasn't. People knew and asked why didn't I go back.
No one could tell me what I did wrong. No one. I talked to a therapist at a walk in clinic and played the recording of those few short minutes to ask if I had gone crazy and was missing something horrible I did in that moment. They said no...
I moved on, except I didn't. I felt hurt to walk past a room I was banned from without anyone telling me why. It went on for month after month.
I emailed the pastor. I told him I played the recording for another Christian (the walk in therapist happened to be one) professional and no one could tell me what I did wrong. (I think any professional could have reviewed it with me.)
We talked the matter over several times, and I had told him, I am done talking about it. It's not worth all this talking with him and not the leader who did this. Who ran over a clear boundary and badly. He kept saying yeah, she is busy with family matters and she was - a family member was sick. So I had said, then how about we let this go and all move on...
He still asked to again about a project I was doing. I went to meet with him. I had been at the hospital today and had been given bad medical news. I told him, “I'm not well today, I'm massively stressed out and sick, so I need this to be an easy no stress conversation.” We talked about a silly event I put on to make sandwiches for homeless kids and teens. It was fine. He said the church would support it in the future financially, I just needed to call anytime and he would make it happen. We talked of rumors that had been passed around because of my friend who blabbed too much to others. We talked about someone telling me I donated the wrong peanut butter for my own volunteer project at my expense.... We talked about this weird attitude that has grown with the few people my friend talked to about how I was struggling. They seemed to never think I was capable, and the pastor agreed it was off-kilter and the church members should not be critical of what peanut butter jar I buy with my own money for my own volunteer project that I’m fully financially responsible for. It’s just peanut butter.
He seemed to get it, and yet he seemed to be weird. In the moment, I couldn’t place my finger on it. I told him I can't deal with any more. I can't do it. I need space. I started to stand up to leave.
Then he said that he was ready to have me go back to the group, except he had read my email. And in my email, “you mention you recorded the bible study and you played it for someone else.”
I said, “yes, a therapist. We have talked about how I listened to it several times and played it for a therapist. You always tell me not to listen to it over and over and I assure you I listened to it once with a therapist and twice on my own.”
He said, "yeah, you see, you can't go back because you broke trust by recording the bible study and then playing it for someone else."
He said, “the bible study was confidential and it wasn't ok I did that.
I told him, “there was nothing anyone said to indicate it was confidential, no one treated my info with any confidentiality, and additionally, I shared the info with a therapist. No names. They can’t release it. I just talked to a therapist.”
He said. “yeah, you can't do that. How would you feel if I taped this meeting and played it for my therapist?”
“I think that would be a damn good idea! What you do in your therapy is up to you and it’s perfectly legal to record what I say and bring it to your therapy session for your healing process”
He continued on. He confirmed, “even if you had not recorded anything, just talked to the therapist, that is still breaking confidentiality.”
He confirmed no one tells newcomers the rule of confidentiality. Ironically, I have a recording that could prove this too. No one ever says if you come to this church, don’t share anything with your therapist. But he kept telling me I couldn’t talk to the therapist about it.
“You broke trust.”
That's when I lost it.
I told him, “They (the people who cut me down over what peanut butter I bought) never trusted me to buy the right peanut butter. There was no trust in me to break. You broke my trust months ago. YOU TRASHED IT.”
From there the interaction and situation got much worse. But for now, this is as far as I can write and I want to really look at this part that happened. It lead to the rest...
I have some strong feelings about what I did wrong in all of this up to this point. I can actually see his perspective… to a point.
I record because I was dissociative. I have very little memory of anything that whole week in May without the recording helping to bring it back.
If I had to do it again, I would have recorded it, and never told him. I would still talk to the therapist, and I would have told no one.
Is this wrong?
I really think I sabotaged myself and that there are some trauma-reenactment patterns happening. NOT new trauma, but past patterns repeating.
I set a clear boundary. Person in position of power, authority and trust above me pushes the boundary. I speak out to try and keep me safe and have the pain end. Larger group of people confirms the wrong behavior of the person in power and yet decides I’m the bad guy for speaking up about it (in this case to the therapist.) I fumble along and say WAY too much at the wrong moments and open up myself to more hurt. Eventually when I realize I am being scapegoated, I act out even more. Then worse pain happens.
I know the red flags for abusive organizations. I know that several have come up now and I'm struggling with a lot of shock, grief, and confusion about it. Unspoken rules, scapegoating, secrecy, switch and bait (come for one thing, and they have another thing planned), excessive control, etc. These are all red flags that this is not a healthy group.
Any outside feedback on this would be very welcome. I need help to see this clearly. Was I more in the wrong than I realize (up to the point that I have described so far)?
