Think of all of those federal representatives and senators tasked with writing new legislation by Monday night at the last minute. I am having a nice quiet time here in my home with a woodstove and my loved ones while they are cursing the man-child that threw them this tantrum
Not sure why I woke up out of nowhere when I need the sleep. But maybe just the peace.
I read a quote that perfect peace is a sense of being "at home".
Been thinking about this and another said it today, we are so fortunate that what we consider such a horrid year is what would not be the exception but the norm for so many others in the past, or in other places. And all the catastrophes they face or faced. And how, even now, thanks to world-wide communication and working together we can effect change or try to, for that which still causes such great suffering, like illness and disease, poverty, war, and injustice.
I feel despite everything with covid there is some benefit that the world is aware and many acknowledging it, since people on their own can have such a dramatically devastating year but not be free to express it, and even less that others empathize or remember or relate.
I think it's actually easier to bear (for me) when I've never been able to recall for the longest time what it felt like to take for granted people will 'be there', or survive. And because I already had to learn to recognize celebrating what 'is' there during times of otherwise great grief, fear, uncertainty and overwhelming crisis.
I feel (unrelated) a certain shame that cuts more to the part of an awful sorrow at how it can leave others when I do not understand. That is, bad that I misunderstand what Idk, but even worse if somehow in the process I blame or react to another's symptoms, rather than their heart.
2020 has been 'craptastic'- except of course for example for the history-making finding & distribution of a vaccine that could or should have taken years to find (in the past has), and for all loved ones (& self) still alive and therefore safe so far, for all the people intimately or worldwide who help in small & large ways (like here on the Forum), and for all the moments of joy, support and increased vulnerability and connection that was not betrayed (even if that's foreign & scary for me & to many of us).
Me-being-me sometimes I forget it's not 2019.
I sippose I have a lot of related and unrelated thoughts at any given moment!
My thoughts are trying to distract from the icky feelings I have been having. I seem to be having this gray cloud of doom over me as I try to keep my life as normal as I can during this pandemic. Its a generalized anxiety that never quite disappears as I see the numbers on tv and say prayers for those who are fighting the covid battle, and those that have lost. Its the feeling that nothing is safe, did I wash my hands after handling the mail or a package, did my husband-yes its insane in some ways. The fear of loosing a loved one is consuming me these days. Then my mind goes to the political disruption and I wonder what's going to happen. My thoughts are to get that out of my mind but not working so well recently.
So angry at people I know covid positive, and even some I know who are higher risk breaking every recommendation and flaunting it, while I'm forced to inter-relate with them for hours and have been doing everything in my power to protect someone dangerously at risk, as well as those I care for and about. And I hate to say it, but from how they talk even their (dis)regard for their own spouses and families seems shocking. It's sure not 'love', that's all I know. Bur it's sure lots of 'me'. Idk if it's selfishness, because at this point it's certainly not lack of awareness, and it's not stupidity, and with the exception of one person doesn't seem denial. One who had it and it hasn't even been 7 days called it a cold & said they got sick of isolating so when their spouse started to appear to get sick they didn't even wear a mask. And that it, "wasn't like a vacation, being told you couldn't leave the house". (???) Wtf are people thinking, except for it can't happen to me, or who cares if it happens to someone else. Won't even wash their hands, distance, or stop eating out of the same bowl. Honestly, boggles my mind. And makes trying to stop it or avoid it feel like rolling a large rock uphill. And it's taken 3 months of straight work to break the chain. Wth. :(
ETA, and do they not get it, that a variant that's easier to catch (though not worse) increases risk of numbers positive through spread?
I do think, the only ones with real success with this have been the military, because they know what they're doing and they do it exceptionally well. And I was shocked (and oddly felt humbled/ better about myself) when many of them are turning for help for post traumatic stress after dealing with it. Thank God for them is what I think. The only thing I can figure is, as opposed to focusing on the negative, what would they do (individually) in my situation under the circumstances,, and do what I think that would be. i don't think the others get it, unless they or a loved one becomes the other side of a statistic.
^^ I woke up thinking of this (I suppose the brain does best sleeping), and I remember/ know there's only so much I can control. But, am thankful so far no one I see has gotten ill, hope and pray it stays that way. And, I am off 8/10 days after I do 2 more. Which is just a Blessing all around and wouldn't have happened if they didn't screw up my vacation earlier. So it's good to remember there's solutions and things that can be assisted along before I even know there's a problem.
Plus I think, many people are burnt out, and a bit rebelling they had to flex around for Christmas, and insisting/ insisted there be no changes. And I guess, they just have different priorities! Which doesn't make them wrong or me right, but doesn't mean I need to share the same. Wouldn't be true to me, anyway. Plus were angry I have New Year's eve off, but I booked that last february.
Blah, I don't care what they think. There's more on the line than such silliness, way I see it. Others I know have said that's sh*t for brains, too. So far been ok, best not to throw the baby out with the bath water. It's been exhausting to try to be extra careful or caring, but necessary and worth it too. All I can do, really, that's for my part. Hopefully by that and the grace of God it will be enough.
Hope I can sleep again, sleep is wonderful. Hope others can too! Hugs to all for this new day.
KInd of disgusted that a place mentioned someone who died a ways away and 25 years older, but not my friend's relative. That's not nice, and phony to me when they talk all love-love-love-family. Feels like such BS.
Mind you, I gave the benefit of the doubt when they said nothing. Just irked me to see that, not the other guy's fault, neglecting 2 people isn't any better.