What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking it's probably hard for others who do not relate, to understand the difficulty of hope vs ~graceful (?) resignation when you +/or your life is deemed or is a failure.

 

[Tinyflame]

And ^^ I suppose where I look for shelter, or meaning or purpose or getting it 'right', I do not have - whether in family, lack of own, work, what I do or employer, church, within my home. There is even the opposite, sometimes, or mostly.

 

[Tinyflame]

My sister's bday is tomorrow, she pushed to get my other sister's assisted death through more quickly and without her consent. Sister #3 is wants to send her flowers. I am on the fence. Sure, why not.
Sister #3 asking her dr to get friend in, wouldn't ask for me. However, friend has ptsd and I am glad. Also I don't want to be poked and prodded.
My dad's bday would be sunday, he told me 3 things on his deathbed: one was promise me you'll go to church (twice). Maybe that's why I went?
Friend wouldn't be truthful, once again no chair for me at the table. I think it's called gaslighting when you do it and pretend otherwise. Sounds like a harsh term, Idk. But if you don't know who the fool is in the room you're it. Wish I hadn't been so vulnerable with info, or about others. O.M.G.
Not to jinx but Boss was wonderful last night.
Idk if I 1/2 fell for a sim swap fraud. Have still not found a new phone plan.
Had a few good giggles originally, at least.
Year of The Purge my sister reminded me.
My dad loved my grandma, and called her Mom. My grandma loved my dad and said he reminded her of St. Joseph. Shortly before she died she thought she saw him out her window, under a lamppost.
Found out after my dad died he had a St. Joseph rosary. I lost it in my 20's.

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking at least sister, for whatever reason, did not pursue forcing earlier MAID. To her credit, or defence.
Was also thinking, most people probably can't relate to being either a commodity or a burden, within a family.
I will not burden or hurt others feelings again.

 

[ladee]

I was always a burden to my family @Rosebud. That is why in order to thrive, I had to go no contact with all of them. I do understand.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Hugs, @Rosebud . Familial dynamics can be the biggest bitch of all to try to navigate, for sure.

I'm thinking of the next project I want to take on. I love the carpenter bees and don't wish to kill them off, or any other pollinators, so I'm going to make little houses instead of traps.

Making Carpenter Bee Houses [DIY Project] - Hanbury House

Hoping to provide refuge and bring more solitary bees, like the native Valley Carpenter Bee, into our yard, the kids and I created homemade carpenter bee houses over the weekend.

hanburyhouse.com

At the same time, my mind tells me, "Well isn't that special - you can't provide housing for your nephew but you can build a house for some f'ng bees?"

If only it were as easy as grabbing some scrap wood, a drill, and some wood glue - it would already have been done. I can't help someone more than they want to help themself - doing so doesn't help either of us. The mind space overrides some damn good ideas some days.

 

[Lionheart]

Tough love... I have never been very good at it because I am a big old softie when it comes to love and affection. There is a time and place for tough love, however, and it is time for me to show some to someone close to me.

I have to set and maintain some boundaries for myself rather than trying to "help someone more than they want to help themselves" *thanks for letting me borrow your words @Tornadic Thoughts. I am going to remember them, I think they will serve to help remind me that I am only human and can only do so much in certain instances.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Thank you, too, @Lionheart . It's not a pleasant thing, by any means, for sure. You'd think I would have learned by now. But the heart space struggles with letting others find things out themselves, especially when I've already learned it repeatedly myself. Like maybe if I share enough info and resources, it'll finally click and be the hand-up they need. But they also have to learn in their own time and in their own way, just like I/we did. It's hard to watch and do nothing when it looks like an ongoing train wreck.

My mind keeps going back to how it felt to not have anyone to immediately rely on during some really difficult times in my own life - but once I dig a little deeper, I realize, in what feels like some sort of twisted way, that those moments were somehow necessary. It didn't feel good then and it doesn't feel good now. But I survived it - and hope like hell he will, too.

I was going through many of the life experiences he currently is in my late teens and early 20s. He's already entered into his early 30s and still hasn't found any traction, but has fathered 3 kids, so far - and has dug deeper ditches than I ever did, especially regarding having a criminal record and dealing with addiction and such - I lucked out in that arena. It feels like he's stuck in some major ruts that he may not get back out of.

Multiple times before my mom passed, she mentioned for me to look after my sister and my nephew. I guess I feel like I'm somehow disrespecting them and her memory if I don't try to help "fix" things. However, they are both adults and are just as capable as I am to seek out help for themselves.

In a way I find that request of hers rather ironic, as she was the one who wasn't willing to help me when I called home for a ride, for money, or for a place to sleep in my youth. If it hadn't been for my dad a couple of times, I'm not sure where I would have ended up - but she also didn't allow him to respond to my calls for help more times than not. Sighs. f*cking feelings. Poof - be gone for a while, dammit. Apologies for the rambling.

 

[Lionheart]

You are most welcome @Tornadic Thoughts,

I can relate in the sense that I was made to believe I was responsible for everything and everybody. Including but not limited to; my mother, father, sister, brother, other relatives, strangers, etc. And I even thot that I was responsible for people I didn't even know and for things that I could not possibly have had any control over.

It is an ongoing battle, but I have gotten better at taking care of myself and letting others live their own lives. I still cannot say that it is easy, but it has gotten a bit better over time. One of the first things my "T" told me was that I was not responsible for my parents, my siblings, or other people. Like you said it is hard to watch and do nothing when it looks like an ongoing train wreck. I may never completely shake it off but I am getting better about it.

No apologies necessary for rambling, ...I do it all the time.

 

[Rani G2]

How to fool thyself in slick ways

 

[Tinyflame]

I wish they would go to bed here, it's 5 a.m. and I have to get up in 3 hours and then have 15 hours til I get out of work.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, my door pounded open, and I pretended to be asleep, which seemed to go well and was a non-issue.

I was thinking how times like these and others, my life feels like the feeling of a nightmare I can't wake up from. Actually, that is a feeling very common to me, or a common way to describe how it feelss, even going about my day and it not showing. Then I think, why am I here, why with what I am not or do not mean to others, or does not bring me satisfaction or meaning or purpose, do I have to exist? Then I think too, that is, although true, just as much self as all the self I am surrounded with, really. No better, just a different way of expressing the same feelings. FWIW though, what I've had a hand in (not) creating for myself has been a Huge mistake. I'm expected to do more, give more, understand more, support more, sacrifice more, but either at cost to myself +/or while being excluded. That feels like what word to describe it Idk. But I could give it up in a heartbeat. I know others are suffering, but I am too. It would be nice to not have to make a case to justify I too have needs, or to try to belong/ be of worth. I think if I don't, it might not mean I don't have worth, but it still does mean I don't have worth to those around me or those I know.