Other What reasons were you given not to tell?

[cntrymom08466]

I wasn't told not to tell, but I chose not to tell because I knew it would destroy my mom (my father was the sexual abuser) and my whole family. Well, guess what? It almost destroyed ME. And then my whole family ended up finding out anyway because I had to tell my brother so that he'd protect his daughter from my father, then my brother told everyone.

It's really sick how abusers not only abuse, but mess with a child's mind too by threatening them. It's what keeps them safe from being found out. I'm so sorry for what happened to you...I know how painful it is. I'm glad you're seeking treatment for it. For me, it happened over 4 decades ago, and although I still think about it now and then, it doesn't control me any more and it doesn't feel like an open wound.

I tried for so long to pretend it didn't happen, but that only led to so many unhealthy behaviors that I was slowly self-destructing. What I can say is, don't let what happened to you define who you are or steal your future from you. What was stolen from you in the past is over. You CAN heal from this, you CAN be an overcomer, you CAN have a future healthy relationship.

A key part of my healing was forgiveness, which is something that is hugely misunderstood. It's not something you do for the other person...rather, it's a gift you give to yourself to be set free from the bondage of rage, fear, self-loathing, shame, guilt, all that. I was so tormented by all those things until I forgave him, which, by the way, I was only able to do with God's help. God wants us to forgive because He knows that it's the only way to heal from the inside out.

I wish I could feel what you feel. I try to pray forgiveness, but it doesn't seem to happen. :(

 

[bellbird]

He told me that if I called the police, he'd just tell them that he was defending himself. They wouldn't believe me, and I'd end up the one in trouble with the law.

Other reasons were my own;
-It isn't bad enough
-I'm over reacting
-They won't believe me anyway.

 

[Hangingfromalimb]

Well it all began when I was 7 years old by my brother in law.
He told me my sister would be very mad at him. I always felt guilty for not telling because it has ruined not only my life but my sister's life and his own children's life since he raped his own children. I have punished myself over and over about this but I realize I was only an innocent child. My sister married a monster.

 

[AnD]

I didn't know it was abuse and I was most likely dissociating and forgot about it too

 

[RVA21]

I'd be sent away, the implication was to some sort of prison for little girls who tell 'lies'.

 

[pacman404]

None. I just didn’t know it was that bad. I did tell my mum at one point and she didn’t do anything so I never even thought about telling anyone else.

 

[mytearsaregenuine]

Hiya, I'm new here, and I'm at a point in therapy where we're discussing the reasons i wasnt aloud to tell anyone about my abuse. I think it would be helpful to find out other peoples experience on this as mine was mainly to do with people not understanding our 'relationship' etc.

I have had more than one abuser and more than one type of abuser. The worst one was my father (physical emotional verbal abuse). He never had to tell me not to tell. I was scared of him and knew I had to keep the secret in our family.
He did get upset if I tried to ever get any help for my mental health. my sister also. in fact he threatened to stab her if she told anyone she was suffering depression. my father was in ministry at our church. he was always woried abourt being made to look bad. said we were shaming the family with our mental health issues.

None. I just didn’t know it was that bad. I did tell my mum at one point and she didn’t do anything so I never even thought about telling anyone else.

My father was abusive to mum as well. so she knew what he was capable of. yet when my sister or I tried to talk to her (got so bad we would beg her to leave him) she would dismiss it. say it wasn;'t like he was beating us black and blue every day. There was some physical abuse but 90% of it was verbal and emotional, often with threat sof violence involved (I will kil your mum/your pets/ beat you etc) So my mum was like "well if it vrbal abuse, that is nothing, is it?"

I thought it was the right thing to do. I still think it was the right, and only thing, to do. Telling anything (as an adult) in confidence still feels/ felt shameful, and a great betrayal. Sometimes though I've been grateful for the relief, when desperate.

yes. I feel a lot of guilt when I talk to my therapist. my father was a christian so I cannot help feel that God is not hapy with me wallowing in this stuff and that I should "just forgive" and "pull myself together." I feel am letting God down.

 

[Changing4Best]

@mytearsaregenuine
I don't feel you should feel bad for feeling as you do. We all had a right to a peaceful and loving childhood. Yes forgive, but don't feel guilty about anything.

 

[Tinyflame]

I understand that @mytearsaregenuine . But really, how can one say anything, or rather omit most or many things, and still be truthful at all? But yes, I thought of that today too, but it seemed a misrepresentation, or just 'wrong' to say. :(

However, I did learn something new today; that when the shoe is on the other foot, and someone else says something about their experiences, it's like, "What? Why would anyone treat you like that?" So there is a modicum of healing to be able to truly see what is not deserved for others, and harmful, is also harmful in the same way for ourselves. Including continuing with our own Inner Critic. So there's almost no option than bring it to the light of day (in confidence of course/ only if trustworthy).

Best wishes to you and welcome to you. :hug: