When to share diagnosis with a new partner

[Eliza]

Hello,
I have just started a new relationship, and it is going really well so far. But I am wondering when I ought to share my diagnosis with him. I don't want to scare him off, as we're not sharing intimate details of our lives yet. But I also don't want him to wonder why I seem to have "appointments" every Tuesday evening.
How long have you left it in new relationships to share your diagnosis? What's the best way to approach the issue?

 

[Bristol]

Its totally your choice. Ive been with my husband for 10 years and he knows i see a T every week but doesnt know why, he doesnt pry either. Its totally your decision how much and when you want to or decide to share, and how much you choose to trust him with.

 

[Akhos]

I can understand your concern - as a male myself, it personally wouldnt bother me if the girl told me that she was receiving help for some personal issues. I would see it as a sign of respect, and of course I would be curious, but I would respect her for that anyway. But some men would react differently - I think only you really know the answer depending on his personality.

If the topic comes up, and you feel comfortable in doing so, then just give him the very basics, at the end of the day, he will either accept you for who you are or he wont regardless. As your relationship grows, then you can disclose what you feel comfortable disclosing because it is who you currently are.

 

[Eliza]

Thank you for your responses.
I can't imagine him being weird about it - he's a really nice guy. But so far most of our discussions are light hearted and based on making each other laugh.
I'm meeting him after therapy tonight, and I am still debating telling him I am in a meeting, or training session or something similar, but then if he asks too many questions I will end up getting tangled (I am a very bad liar). So I might just be honest, but make it sort of jokey - say something like, "Well, I was going to save this particular bombshell for later, but..."
You never know, he might not even ask where I was. I just let him know I would be in a different location until 6.30 and could we meet nearer there. He might not think anything of it.

 

[Akhos]

If I may be so bold, the quickest way to make a man run away would be to lie as trust is an essential building block of any relationship, be that plutonic or otherwise, so I would agree that you just be honest as much as you feel comfortable to do so. He may even be understanding because he has got other family, friends etc, who have suffered as well.

Besides, you have nothing to be embarrassed about anyway. You are who you are and he either accepts that, or he doesnt.

 

[Akhos]

If you arent ready, then just be honest about it and say that you are dealing with some things and you are not ready at this moment in time to talk about it, but you will eventually, and tell him that he needs to just give you time to get to know him a bit better first. He will understand and respect you for that. That way you are still being completely honest and true to him, and more importantly, true to yourself and remaining in control of your own recovery

 

[EveHarrington]

I told my guy on day 3.

Not day 3 of the relationship, day 3 of knowing him.

We both are very intense people and jumped in with both feet, zero regrets.

It worked for us.

But everyone is different.

(He disclosed his struggles first so that was an indication that he'd accept mine-----and to be honest, he's not only accepted it, but supported me and helps me through the episodes I have.)

 

[Deleted member 541]

Up front and honest is the best way. If the other person can’t take it, then they weren’t worth it to begin with...

 

[Eliza]

Hello!
It turned out I didn't have to tell him yesterday. He had to cancel, and I don't think we'll be meeting on a Tuesday for a while now (we both have busy evenings, so we have to meet whenever we can!). But I think if a good time to tell him comes up, I will explain. I think it would be better to tell him sooner as it will be a sign that I trust him. It will also mean I can sort of tell him a bit at a time, rather than waiting until a panic attack comes up, or I see him right after a therapy session, and it suddenly becomes a big revelation, rather than something I am telling him by choice.

 

[Akhos]

I think thats the best way indeed - and if he truly cares for you, it wont matter anyway. He will just see it as a part of you and respect you for trusting him.

I hope it works out well for you, and remember, you have nothing to be embarassed about.

 

[Sideways]

I’m in a relatively new relationship and I told him on day 1. For a couple of reasons.

First, like with your panic attack scenario, I didn’t want to be explaining in retrospect after something awful, I wanted to tell him in a situation that was fairly controlled. Second, my ptsd is fairly obvious. It impacts me in a lot of ways and symptom management is a big part of my life, which he would need to be able to deal with. And third, because I needed to know whether having a mental illnesses was something that he was going to be ok with.

It worked out well, and he’s been very accepting and accommodating of my symptoms and the way I need to manage them (which impacts the kind of things we can do together), especially my need for time on my own. It helped me a lot that I knew straight up that I was going to tell him my diagnosis but not to much further. I entered the conversation being clear in my mind that I was happy to talk about what ptsd is, and how it effects me, but not about the reasons I have it. That’s further down the track.

If and when you are ready, be clear in your mind about what you are prepared to discuss/. Because telling him you have ptsd doesn’t need to mean telling him your whole life story. If you know your boundaries in advance , it may make it easier to simply say “I’m not ready to talk about that yet” if he starts asking questions you don’t want to answer.

Hope it works out for you. I really do:)