Whenever Depressed Or Quiet I'm Told I Have A Murky Aura, And That I'm Hurting My Wife By Having It.

[abbynormal1929]

Hello,

I have always been a quiet person, with a fairly flat affect, even when I'm not particularly depressed. When I am quiet, or flat, my wife has been telling be lately that "I have a murkey aura" and that she cant take it. She never asks me what's wrong, or she just makes a winey noise at me, tells me I have a dark, or murky aura, and that she cant take it. I tell her almost every time that I have always been quiet, and wonder why, now that we're married that it's suddenly a big problem. I always end up apologizing, and feeling like I'm apoligizing for being the way I have always been. The other day she was practically in tears telling me she cant take having another person in the house that doesn't talk to her (her daughter has autism, with a significant speech delay). Meanwhile there doesn't seem to be anyone I interact with on a daily basis who actually cares how I feel. I'm even having insurance issues in finding a therapist, so I don't have one right now. She even told me I'm treating my mom like crap just by being quiet. I'm just tired of feeling like I cant even relax my face when around my own wife. It feels like I cant relax ever.

Any thoughts?

 

[Gamergirldelux]

She needs to learn your needs. You can't always be apologizing. Your wife needs to grow up. You are suffering. And I get it she's a bit upset. But that's not fair to you or your suffering. Your wife needs to tell you why she feels this way about you. It's not fair to you. So she needs to grow a pair and tell you what's actually on her mind. Have you ever questioned her why?? Does she have any trauma?

 

[Naoru]

Unfair to you to need to constantly apologize and change. Unfair to her to be unheard, invalidated, etc.

Compromise? Communicate? You both have needs. Have you expressed what you have written here?

It sounds as if you do have someone who cares how you feel - your wife - she is unable to express it clearly. Rather than placing your depression / flat affect / quietness in the same situation as her daughter, it might be more helpful if she could separate her real feelings; she is perhaps actually concerned about you and wants to be let in during these moments ... maybe she wants to help and support you, but this is manifesting as frustration and anger ... even when there truly is nothing wrong.

Or maybe she is overwhelmed and could stand a little self-care of her own.

Not sure.

Your mom can communicate her own feelings if she is having a problem.

 

[Fadeaway]

It doesn't sounds like she is communicating her needs well either. since you normally aren't a talkative person, she maybe sensing something else that she can't quite put her finger on that is causing her to fear distance in the relationship. This might be something like a reduction in casual touch.

Perhaps she needs some reassurance. I would tell her something like "I love you with all my heart, but I have a lot of internal struggles right now. I know it must be lonely for you, but please be patient while I work on obtaining a therapist." Even if you don't feel like talking, can you go up to her and hug her, often?

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

It sounds like both of you are suffering at the moment have you thought about a marriage counsellor? Maybe your wife might need to talk to someone on her own if she is feeling burnt out?

 

[abbynormal1929]

She does have a trauma history too.

 

[abbynormal1929]

And she's refused therapy on multiple occasions based on that she had negative experiences with therapy when she was a teenager, and after divorcing her previous husband, who was abusive.

 

[abbynormal1929]

Conversations about how she feels don't go much further than my aura needs to change. Most conversations regarding how I feel mainly end up with her telling me how she has/had it worse, without much acknowledgement that she understands im having a rough time. It's like most of the time she cares more that I look happy, rather than that I am happy.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Most conversations regarding how I feel mainly end up with her telling me how she has/had it worse, without much acknowledgement that she

That must be very rough to have to deal with. Suffering is suffering and it really isn't fair for her to compare trauma. It seems like she's struggling herself and it's upsetting for her to see you having a hard time. it must be very hard for you. It's not fair to ask someone to not feel what they feel it sounds like that's maybe what she does? I could be way off but if what she does to cope is to avoid and try to shut down her negative emotions it could be hard for her to see you express your emotions in a healthy way.

Please be kind to yourself if you can it's perfectly normal to have negative emotions and no one can feel happy all the time even people who don't have mental health issues. Suffering is a part of human life. The more you push it away the more it comes back to bite you.

 

[Friday]

The other day she was practically in tears telling me she cant take having another person in the house that doesn't talk to her (her daughter has autism, with a significant speech delay)

^^^^
This.

As in I highly doubt that her going crazy about not being talked to has virtually anything to do with you, and is almost entirely about what's going on with your stepdaughter.

Similar to how new parents of toddlers will lose. their. shit. if one more person even comes near the very faintest most distant edges of a temper tantrum or a whine. Their stress level in that area is at absolute capacity. And since they can't take it out on their kids? (Because they're kids). They kaboom! transfer every frustration, exhaustion, sick to motherf*cking death of ________!!! On the very first adult who presents them with an opportunity to unload.

Is it fair? Nope. By definition transference isn't fair. It's also a huge sign that something is wrong. Not with you. With her life. It's out of sync, out of balance. You just happen to be the nearest safe target to vent on &/or blame.

As in her being in tears of frustration is more about her daughter, than you. She needs support. Not because of you. But from you. Except? Our spouses cannot be our everything. It's an impossible task.

Does your wife have any gabby-girlfriends or gushing-guyfriends? A Chatty-Cathy? Someone who won't effing shut up, that she can start getting together with more often? An autism support group? Some kind of social life to get her talk on? So that you aren't her only source of support in dealing with a non-verbal child?