Why Do Parents Hate Their Kids?

[raven123]

Pencil,

My interim has been 40 years. I'm tired and I'm worn out mentally. Getting drunk was great. I got several hours of respite last night. I want more of that. If I had the cash, I'd be a raging alcoholic.

 

[The Albatross]

Thank you but no Raven, you didn't upset me. I did not want to dominate your discussion or push you too hard. You are in North Florida, I am in Northwest Florida... I do very much understand that there is little available. I have felt a lot of what you shared.

I was afraid if I participated more you'd shut down. I'm glad that you haven't and that you took the initiative and looked up the book Safe Now suggested.

I have my own foibles and sometimes when I share overly much I feel very exposed and vulnerable. When that happens I need to withdraw for a bit.

I relate too with health situations, there are a variety of members here who have that as well.

I'm rooting for you, I'm wanting some peace and calm for you... it isn't easy, but it can and does happen. Honest. ;)

 

[KP the nut]

CC

RBCs

Raven123, please could you explain the abbreviations and in future spell out the words.
Thank you

 

[The Albatross]

Be careful what you wish for, having developed co-occuring behaviors myself (and some others here), substance abuse/mental illness is no way to go through life. Tying one on occasionally - go for it. But if it becomes habitual, it can become maladaptive (our brains tend to retrieve and repeat behaviors that have worked before... sometimes that leads to abuse or addiction) and booze being a depressant can inadvertently cause long term repercussions for short term relief.

Enough finger waggling from me. On my honor I will try to send intentions (or prayers) for your well being and not give you any more pontifications or monologues. Have a good day Raven. It can happen. :tup:

 

[Pencil]

I agree with everything you say! As I told you on another thread: I had one good therapist at a crucial time in my life, and who saved my life. (You were not that lucky) But due to a tragedy in her life, she gave up her practice (within a few months of losing my girlfriend (and here I'm coming out on the forum!) in a car accident, my dog (I'm dog besotted), my mother (with whom I was also besotted, despite her serious problems), and my therapist. So I lost the 4 most important people / creatures in my life within a period of 6 months. Ten years ago I saw a crackpot postural integration woman, and it ended up with me cutting myself seriously and very, very badly.

So, yes, I get that, I really get that - all of it. But anger at the world makes everything worse. On the other hand, I DO understand the anger. I am known for being 'irritable'. Hell, if the people who call me irritable only had a clue of the anger that I'm suppressing, managing, controlling, they would stop criticizing and give me a bloody medal. Perhaps you need to break something - something without value and that will make a lot of noise. Getting uproariously drunk occssionally can be very therapeutic - and I am cautious when I say this.

On the other thread I asked you to use your imagination. What would a safe place look like? We need to know what we want so that we can start (and I mean START) the process of finding it, even though it may take a very long time.

 

[safenow]

You beat cancer staying drunk for 6 months? Oh, gee, haha

Giggle. Silly man. It wasn't the alcohol that saved me. I had to have surgery and have my urethra replaced as well as have treatments. The alcohol saved me in the sense I didn't kill myself to just get it over with. I didn't want to drag out all the pain and suffering cancer causes before you die.

If my friend, Ron hadn't come over that night and broke my nose, I don't know what would have happened to me. He is the one who found that hospital and learned about that new type of surgery. It was still experimental back then and the majority of people who get the type of cancer I had die from it within a short period of time. He was the one who set up the appointment for me. He is the one who got me sober. I probably would have died a drunken mess in the gutter some where.

I'll send you stuff from that chapter you said you liked, when I get back.

 

[Pencil]

I'm avoiding work by posting here, sigh.

Why do parents hate their kids? No, a few parents, a very small number, may hate their kids. Despite my experiences with my parents, that included severe beatings, being strangled, being thrown out the car in front of a children's home (repeatedly) at the age of 4 and left there for what seemed like hours, and so on, and on, I still don't think my parents hated me. I think they hated being parents because they were dreadfully incompetent, overwhelmed, and a whole host of other things.

 

[Philippa]

Yeah, I'm sure my parents didn't hate me either, even though there was a lot of emotional abuse and psychological mind games that messed me up. Most of the behavior is coming from them in an unconscious way, so they literally don't know what they are doing, or the harm they are causing.

That doesn't make it ok to behave the way they did or make my struggles any easier, but they didn't do it because they hate me. Usually it stems from their own insecurities and patterns passed down from their own parents, and we tend to take it personally, assuming that it must mean they hate us, and make our suffering even worse, when it needn't be.

My parents love me in their own way. They don't necessarily care about me genuinely, but in their minds they do care in their own funny way. I agree with Pencil and what The Albatross said earlier...it's usually more that they just weren't ready to become parents, and didn't cope very well with the reality of their roles.

Most people just think they HAVE to have kids. They literally don't even stop to think they have a choice in the matter. It's programmed into them and then when they do it they realise it wasn't everything they'd been told it would be, and they resent giving up their lives. Usually it is the other way around...the kids end up hating their parents!

 

[raven123]

CC is credit card. RBC - Red blood cells.

 

[raven123]

Philippa, My sperm donor definitely hated me. He demeaned me in every way he could. As a narcissist, he did it subtly and overtly so, as a kid, I had no defense to any of it. All I got was food, shelter and clothing. I got toys as payoffs. It was to make my sperm donor look good to the outside world. I was constantly controlled and my emotional needs were constantly denied. Nothing I ever did was good enough. Quite a few in my adulthood have reinforced that, too. My sperm donor was ashamed of me, too. My brother would tell other kids he was an only kid. One wouldn't have anything to do with him after he found out different.

Four Basic Emotional Needs

The need to love and be loved. : I didn't love any of my family. My brother used to say he was an only kid, a lot.
The need to belong and have a sense of purpose in life. : I've never felt I belonged anywhere.
The need to have a positive self image. : I've never had that. I just have existed.
The need for autonomy, that is a need for some personal, private space and control. : As a kid, nope. I wished I was dead most of childhood.

My mom didn't hate me but she didn't protect me either and she abuse some, too, to get on the good side of my father. She favored my brother for sure. But, I knew I was expendable compared to my sperm donor and my brother. The rape didn't allow me to accept anything anyway.

· Accepted, acknowledged, admired, appreciated, approved of,
· Believed in,
· Capable, challenged, competent, confident forgiven,
· Forgiving, free, fulfilled,
· Heard, helped, helpful,
· Important, in control, included,
· listened to, loved,
· Needed, noticed,
· Powerful, private, productive / useful,
· Reassured, recognized, respected,
· Safe / secure, supported,
· Treated fairly, trusted,
· Understanding, understood,
· Valued,
· Worthy

The problem with my mom is she had the perfect childhood. Like a Leave it to Beaver childhood. Her parents never raised their voice, never hit them (her, her brother), supported them in anything and everything, loved them (whatever that is), etc. So, she has no excuses in my opinion. I have more anger towards her than my sperm donor. I read that was normal.

 

[raven123]

Jaret,

"I have seen this quote: Our most problem will be solved if we talked to one another instead of talking about one another."

The worst place in the world for that is churches I found. That's one reason why I despise them. The biggest reason is they judged you mercilessly. I have a lot of problems with spiritual abuse, too, so it's killed it for me.

 

[maddog]

Even reading parts of this thread has been too hard for me in the past few days, so I apologise if what I have to say is out of step with the tone or direction of the thread...

Yes, I believe my parents hated me, plain and not the least bit simple. I think that someone, I think it was Loner from memory, summed it up very well early on in this thread with the statement that parents hate their children because they hate themselves.

That may not always be the case, but for me, I believe it was true. And this is not a knee-jerk or superficial conclusion I have drawn about the situation, it is actually one I have worked my way to, following countless therapy sessions and seeming lifetimes of thought and consideration on the topic.

Actually, if I may wander down memory lane briefly, I remember the issue of "why did my parents hate me" very vividly, partly because it was the first time I ever cried in therapy - I mean really, really cried, the "I can literally not function or almost even breathe" kind of crying that required my therapist to drive me home afterwards and all but manhandle me in my front door lest he should not be able to get rid of me at all.

It was the first Tuesday in November 2011. No, I don't have a photographic memory for dates, I just recall that it was Melbourne Cup day, because I ended up sitting in the meal room trying to recover at the end of our session, and I remember that the Cup news was on the tv that I couldn't even focus on watching...

But I digress.

I know - I truly believe - that my parents hated me. I haven't come too far in trying to unwravel the intertwined complexity of how that fitted with their own self hate, but I know there is a complexity there to be one day unwravelled. I was a disabled and hence defective child, and I know for a fact that my disability was a source of terrible shame to my parents who somehow believed the world would attribute it to them in some way. It also meant that I was practically useless to my father who could not use me as a slave to the same extent that he could use my non-disabled brother. Very very inconvenient for him...

But my sister shares my disability, and while he mistreated her too, he didn't abuse her, he didn't hate her... he didn't hate either of my siblings, but he hated me.

I don't suppose it matters why. That's the destination I'm trying to work towards, and along the way, I'm working towards learning to be at peace with knowing that I will never truly understand why. The inner workings of the brain of a sadistic psychopath (and no, again, I don't use that term loosely or colloquially, I believe he truly is) are not something I or any non-sadistic psychopathic person are ever likely to be able to relate to.

To the extent that you act upon it, to hate a child is pure cruelty. To hate your own child is pure evil.

Maddog