Why Do Sufferers Try To Push Away Their Loved Ones?

[CCurry]

It's been awhile since he's done this but this morning in a phone conversation I told him I loved him and he got triggered. He told me it was be so much easier for him if I just stopped and that this was not fair to me or the kids and that initially it'll be hard for me but I'll find peace eventually if I walk away. He doesn't know how long its going to take until he gets better or if he even will. All last week he told me that he'll work on this and that we will be happy again guaranteed and now this.

In my heart I know he is just trying to push me away and if he wanted to end this he's had every opportunity to do so, he could have just walked away from me but he hasn't.

He did follow up with a text apologizing saying he's really f....ed up today.

Has this have anything to do with low self-worth?

 

[becvan]

I would say his very words tell you what was going on there. He said it wasn't fair to you and the children, that you'll find peace and that he doesn't know how long this will take to get better. He recognizes that his suffering is causing you and the kids to suffer, that he upsets the peace and that he doesn't have the answers. Here he is showing both hopelessness and guilt. Hopelessness usually comes in hard on really bad days. The guilt, well when your hurting your own family that you love with a disorder you have yet to control, who wouldn't feel guilty?

I don't see what he said as trying to push you away, more like acknowledging the situation and that his disorder is the cause of it and giving you the option to have a more peaceful life. He's trying to keep the door open for you to let you know that it is okay if you need to choose that for your family's sake.

Could it be from lack of self-worth? Yes. However I don't believe that is the case. It sounds to me that he is very aware of how this is affecting you all, despises it, and wants you to have a way out if you need it.

bec

 

[ISupportHer]

:Hug_emoticon::Hug_emoticon:I know this hurts CCurry, I could not agree more with what Becvan says.

I would just share with you that, one time, I posted in frustration and pain after I was told something similar. That there was regret that she puts me through hell, when I was hoping for an expression of love. Someone posted a response to me that her very statement of that was, in fact, an expression of love. And that it was maybe the only way she could say it at that particular time. That her verbally acknowledgment of her PTSD to me in that response WAS an expression of love. I carry that advice with me every day now. Wish I could remember the person who said that to me, frankly.

Maybe, just maybe, you can look at it that way too. I hope so.


ISH

 

[2notbedefeated]

I know it must be painful and frustrating to feel him "pulling away" and perhaps isolating himself from his family like that. I don't fully know your family situation, but I have PTSD I am sort of going through what you have mentioned going through.

He may be struggling with with a lot of conflicted emotions and doesn't want to hurt you and give you false hope. I think he is probably trying understand what's going on with himself and how it is impacting those around him. He may just need that extra space in order to work through some painful issues.

Having PTSD myself, I tend to isolate and pull away in order to work through confusion thoughts and feelings, and it also helps me to regain strength in order to push forward. Sometimes I feel like things with my family and me will work out and I feel postive, but then are days when things have been rough, and I feel trememdously guilty that I am putting my famly though all this.

When I aske my husband how he was able to hang in there during the worst part of my PTSD. He and I did not plan on what happened when we married, it was laying "dormat" until something triggered me and then things went crazy for me. His response to my question was that he looked to God for the patience, grace, and strength to do so.

I don't know if this helps, but I send a prayer your way for you, your husband and kids.

 

[Jimmy]

Hey CC,

I am no expert, but analyse myself all the time. From experience I have worked out that when I am having a tough time with something, I start blaming everything and everyone else on why I am feeling that way rather than dealing with the issue.
This usually starts with me finding something wrong with the ones closest to me. As I am a single father, it starts with my 12 year old son, and then my girlfriend.
I make a mountain out of a molehill, or to put it another way, something out of nothing.

And as Becvan said

I don't see what he said as trying to push you away, more like acknowledging the situation and that his disorder is the cause of it and giving you the option to have a more peaceful life. He's trying to keep the door open for you to let you know that it is okay if you need to choose that for your family's sake.

, she is so right. I often think that my girlfriend would be better off and am basically offering her a choice only because I am not happy with myself.
Then, when I have finished with my outburst and feeling sorry for myself, I ask for forgiveness, and explain that it is not her.

I have only come to this reality of late, hope it helps

 

[Grainne]

CCurry...It made me very sad to hear the pain in your post. Then ISH almost made me cry with his reply...I could not agree with him more. Your hubby needs you to know that he loves you and the kids and he is recognising that what is happening is not making any of you happy. It sounds very much like a true expression of love to me.

I think I've told you this before, but the guilt and helplessness I feel when it comes to my husband and son during a bad spell is almost intolerable. It is a physical feeling that chokes me...leaves me feeling like I can't draw a breath. If I manage to say anything through that, it's usually something along the lines of "why are you here? I'm so awful to be around. How can you stand this? Why do you stay?" Feeling so out of control makes me feel hopeless and watching the way it affects my family brings me to my knees.

It's really hard to deal with, is what I'm trying to say, and sometimes I think it would be so much easier to be on my own...to suffer through all of this alone. And then D stays, and waits, and my little boy doesn't care if I'm up or down, he still wants his mom to hang with him while he plays....and things fall back into place....eventually.

I'm sorry this is such a hard time for you guys. You have been on my mind...I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Grainne

 

[Deleted member 541]

This is only from my personal experiences.... I can't get that close to people... I feel vulnerable, exposed, and it's to close for comfort. When I was in a relationship, the frustration was so great that I started to push the other one away....It's frustration with myself, that I can't get beyoned my own issues that causes me to push them out....it usually has very little to do with the other person.....

 

[Tiger Kitten]

I push people away because I am afraid they will run away. If I give them a choice, I have a little bit of control over the timing. I don't deal well with negative surprises. I have more to say on this, but my head is a lot foggy right now and things would come out all muddled. I only push away those I care about the most.

Tiger

 

[CCurry]

Thanks everyone for your replies, I read each one carefully and helps reassure me that what he's feeling is no different than anyone else having ptsd.

Bec- I thought about what I said about "pushing me away" and upon reflection I don't think he actually pushes away, yes he withdraws from me (again normal) but what he wants most in this world is for me to find peace. I know that, he's told me that a couple of weeks ago. His guilt for what he knows the affect of this on me is gnawing at him.

Before his flare up if someone asked me if I loved him, I would have said a ho hum yes but due to my circumstances I've had so much time to figure out exactly how much I love him and I've realized that I'm willing to sacrifice what I need to for this time in my life AS long as he's willing to keep working on himself.

 

[SpringRain]

Hi CC - I'm really sorry that you are both going through this. I can only speak from personal experience, I don't know if this will help, but hopefully something will.

I am useless at relationships. I would much rather isolate. I even isolate from myself by shutting myself off from my emotions so that I can be numb to my pain. That said, I have been in a loving marriage for over ten years now with a very patient man, who at times reaches the limits of his patience just as I reach the limit of my ability to cope with my pain.

I don't push my husband away, or my son, however I do feel a real guilt that through me they experience PTSD. I have worked on this in therapy but here's my thoughts that seem close to what you describe. My trauma meant that I will spend the rest of my life with PTSD, sometimes doing well, sometimes struggling. By being married to me, or being my child, these people - who I love dearly - will spend the rest of my life with PTSD. Sometimes they will have an easy time, sometimes it will suck. I can not even tell you how many times I have thought, "the truly selfless thing would be to live alone the rest of my life and not inflict my PTSD on others - especially these most important people in my life."

My husband and son do not want to lose me. I do not want to lose them. And so we ride good times and rough. We have both learnt how to communicate better - although not perfectly. He understands that my struggle with my pain is not a reflection on how much I love him. He knows that when I hug him and get close to him at night when things are particularly rough that it is a huge sign of my love - something I should never have been able to do.

On my part, I am learning to say, "things are bad," or, "triggered," or some signal that I am struggling. We have talked in advance that this does not mean, "I don't love you," it means, "I am hurting and I just don't know how to get through today."

So, my two-cents worth. Have no idea if this is helpful or not. This is just me and I can't speak to your personal situation. However, isolation is very, very common in PTSD - and the reasons above are just a couple. Being a person with PTSD it is so hard to connect to anything or anyone, including ourselves. The fact that he talks to you in the way that he does after he has struggled, and during struggles, speaks of real love to me. Only something really worthwhile would make anyone with PTSD try to connect to anything or anyone.

With deepest respect,

Rain

 

[CCurry]

Thanks Rain, that is comforting. I happen to ask him tonight if he was at all comforted by me telling him I love him. He said I know this is going to sound strange but it actually in a very small way triggers me. I'm not a therapist but I'm guessing once again guilt seems to be the source of his trigger.

I don't know the answer to this and I could be off the mark but because his ptsd is caused by 23 years of combat, I'm assuming that guilt consumes a combat vet and hence maybe the association to me and his guilt. Again I'm no therapist just a woman who wants to see her man get better.

 

[helena]

Hi CC.

Not sure if this will help but if you can imagine if you had done something really bad that caused you to doubt yourself and who you were and caused you immeasurable guilt and torment.

Then someone without any guilty/torment/trauma comes into your life and tells you they love you. You cannot reveal this 'ugly' truth about yourself. However, you have too much of a conscience not to feel guilty because deep down you feel unworthy of this love. You feel and believe that you are not good enough to be loved by this person whom you see as 'whole.'

That is how it may be for your bf so 'love' can be a trigger imho. When I think back to the early years with my significant other it was the guilt and his lack of self worth/identity that caused so many of the problems.

Take care
xx





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