Relationship My Boyfriend Has Shut Me Out

[knj2015]

I posted this a few days ago but I'm having a hard time today.... Hello. I'm new and would like some advice. My boyfriend of a year and a half has PTSD. He often times wants space to deal with things. I've tried getting him to lean on me and include me but he says he can only do it by himself. That the only way he's ever gotten better was focusing with no distractions. He's having a really bad episode now and is depressed on top of it. He's feeling overwhelmed and says he's being pulled in all directions...his family, ex-wife and even me. Sad thing is, he can't cut them out so I'm the only one he's getting space from. This concept of needing space is foreign to me. I just can't get it. He's explained some and it helped. But then he closes up and withdraws. I don't have a choice with the space. I need to find a way to be supportive and not make his anxiety worse. I know that means no contact until he gets better but it's tearing me up inside. I haven't done very well with not texting him. He's been nice and gives me bits here and there. He told me he'd talk to me today but I haven't heard from him. Sometimes I wonder if he tells me what I want to hear then does what he wants. Last time I saw him, he told me how much he loved me. But the ignoring is tearing me up.

 

[MandyLou]

@knj2015 - I really understand your situation as I'm going through a very similar situation. It's confusing, frustrating, heartbreaking and just too darn difficult. I feel so distant from my partner because he creates space and pushes me away constantly and there is nothing in the world that I can do to help him at this point because he's just not receptive to it. You can't change anybody. I understand that this is a person you love and care about but that person is not in a position to be in a healthy relationship because of his issues. You have to understand that you can't understand his behavior because you wouldn't relate as to what is going on in his head.

As you're going through this, just remember it's not your fault and you haven't done anything to cause him to act that way. He just does and there is not a whole a lot of good explanation as to why. Well, there is plenty of explanation but in the end none of them would bring the supporter any closer to the sufferer. The mere understanding of the depth of the issue is not going to necessarily make your relationship last or make it any stronger. HOWEVER, this is important to keep in mind because as you move forward in life, you shouldn't be blaming yourself and finding fault in yourself because it's not you... it's him and dealing with his own self makes it incredibly hard to be open and communicative.

 

[knj2015]

@knj2015 - I really understand your situation as I'm going through a very similar s...

I understand that. But I love him faults and all and it's been so great until recently. He deserves love. I know he doesn't want to lose me. He tells me to move on and find someone else but when he sees me next, he grills me on if I've seen anybody. I don't feel very close to him now. I love him enough to be patient. For how long, I don't know.

 

[Olivia2016]

I am sorry to hear about your situation, and I understand it so deeply, because I am in exactly same situation with my husband right now. He moved out a month ago, and i did not speak to him for two weeks now. Said at the therapist that he would like to keep the marriage and come back when he feels better, but keeps telling me to move on, find a healthy man, enjoy my life and not waste it on waiting for him to get better. No time line or promises, neither I nor he know what is ahead of us in the future. I find peace in being busy, focusing on my work and hobby, going places alone and with friends, talking to close friends. Sometimes I am calm and happy, then suddenly I just break down and cry. From all I read, our situation is very common, if this is any consolation to you. Many PTSD sufferers come back after they start feeling better, some never do, some keep going back and forth, it is really unpredictable, and this is very difficult to take in. I think we need to try to live our lives and have our own experiences in the world, and then, if it is meant to be, we will be together again, if not, then it is not meant to be. It's unfair and upsetting, but just try to do what feels right to you to keep you sane.

 

[Fadeaway]

I've tried getting him to lean on me and include me but he says he can only do it by himself.

I read stuff like this and it makes my heart race, I want to run. Even though I am reading about someone else's situation it makes me panic and feel trapped. I honestly can not wrap my head around someone not understanding the need for space.

Just like you can't see it from his perspective I can't see it from yours, but does that mean either side is less valid? No, your hurt is just as real even if I can't relate.

I can isolate myself from someone but that doesn't mean it diminishes my feelings for that person, because love is not dependent on ho much time your spend with a person. For me to get past the isolation I need to know that the person I care about can go about their normal day to day life without being overly y affected by my isolation.

I don't know if this helps much, and maybe I am just rambling because I am feeling a bit smothered myself at the moment just from my S.O. trying to instigate conversation and asking about my day. it's not him, it has nothing to do with him, I am just way too over stimulated at the moment and the less sensory input the better.

 

[xraydave]

i cant understand why people would rather drive themselves away from me in any type of relationship either - recently, ive noticed is that they would say things like' i need to figure this out for myself'. meaning, they feel anxious and insecure, and they want to figure themselves out before, they need me as a precautionary measure they dont harm me or passively devalue me in anyway.

much of my relationships are like this. but the thing with me is, that im not even at a point where i can even 'make a move'. for some reason, youve had the courage to do that. that's brave. ive ruined so much potential relationships due to the mere fact that i cannot approach without being overly concerned with the unimportant, hesistant or on a sliding withdrawn-active scale.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Here's another question I pose to new supporters on the forum having a hard time dealing with isolation and requests for space...

Does your partner actually need the contact for support, or do YOU need to attempt to contact/support them in order for YOU to feel more secure?

A lot of us get that twisted and convince ourselves we're being loving when we're actually just violating boundaries. A partner's isolation is rough...logically you can understand it, but it's harder to be truly at peace with it.

 

[knj2015]

It's totally me that need the contact to feel better. Like I said, we have been together 1 1/2 years and he didn't do this. Now all of a sudden. I didn't know what it was at first. I did see him last night for 10 minutes. He was agitated and pacing. Even so, it was a nice conversation. He hugged me and told me he loved me. I've left him alone today. I'm really not trying to smother him, I just didn't know how to act to something new.

 

[Silentwhisper43]

I posted this a few days ago but I'm having a hard time today.... Hello. I'm new and would like some a...

Hi Knj I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. It seems like you understand that he needs space and he loves you so please try to give him that. Try to do what you need to do for your own happiness. Take care of yourself. I've learned a lot about myself during this isolation period myself. My boyfriend has been been isolating and working on himself for about a month now. Like many at first I was confused and hurt but I slowly came to realize that like what others said I was taking this personally and trying to make it about me and it's not. Every relationship is going to need different boundaries and is going to flow at different paces.

What do you need to do for yourself to be happy?

If your happiness depends on him always being able to be there that's going to drive him away. At this time it's probably all he can do to take care of himself let alone be responsible for making you happy. It's a tough road and I know you're trying to be loving and supportive but what works for you is most certainly, at least for now, not going to work for him. Try to keep a positive outlook and be prepared to move on if/when it becomes too much. Remember if he comes back then you can have a serious conversation again about what you both need and see where you're at and re evaluate if you both can be supportive of each other. If you need to talk pleas feel free to each out. Keep your chin up!