Panic and fighting the urges

[FauxLiz]

As I posted earlier on another forum today at work I was triggered beyond what I thought was possible and while I have the physical symptoms of my panic attack under control what I am struggling with are all the mental urges that came with. It has been over a year since I last cut but if I hadn't given the pocket knife I keep at work to my T for safe keeping a few weeks ago I would have lashed out and potentially done significant damage. I have been struggling since I arrived home from work with the urge to retreat, disappear, numb out through the use of alcohol and/or pain meds. I reached out to my T and he sent a very positive text back but right now I know it is too much to ask but I need more. I just had a session this morning but the stress, the fear and the abject terror is not going to lessen until after the board meeting Monday evening and not completely disappear short of my changing jobs and then really never completely while I am in this career field at this level.

I am sorry I really don't know what I want by posting this but I just need to get how I am feeling out as I really don't want to resort to numbing tactics I just feel like I am drowning and I don't know now to find the surface.

 

[Deadman]

the fear and the abject terror is not going to lessen until after the board meeting Monday evening and not completely disappear short of my changing jobs and then really never completely while I am in this career field at this level.

To paraphrase my T, 'mmmhmmm, so what are you going to do about that'?

If you need a numbing technique try something healthier like meditation or hitting something.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Deadman I have tried hitting something, I have a heavy bag in my bedroom that I got so that I could "lash out" without hurting anyone or any thing. I am not one for meditation, I have tried before both guided and unguided and I have not reached a point that I can let go of my mental control to a meditative level without opening the part of my mind that holds all of my trauma memories and terrorize rather than relax myself.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm glad you're reaching out for help.

I was fighting a big urge recently and I ended up holding ice, chewing minty gum and making an agreement with myself to watch every single YouTube video of funny animals before I would allow myself to act on any urges. And I mean EVERY silly animal video on the interwebs and then I could act on it, and only then.

I fell asleep long before I reached the end of the interwebs and silly animal videos.

I'm not suggesting you make an goal as impossible as mine... but perhaps set any goal of something you can agree to do before acting. Urges can seem really pressing and urgent and sometimes hard to talk ourselves out of it completely, but it can be easier to agree to delay. And then once you make it that time, make another agreement to delay it a little longer. It could be an agreement to go for a walk or reach out to a crisis or warm line or journal or yes, watch silly stupid YouTube videos.

There have been times where I delayed for two minutes at a time.

Make it hard to act. Just like you did with your T. Put away reminders. Put meds and etc up in a high place where you have to climb over stuff. Whatever buys you time to delay.

I can't meditate either, too much trauma comes up. But mindfulness, active connection with this moment now, can help me. Like go for a walk and count all the cars of one color. The goal isn't stillness, but to connect here and now. Right now. Not even 3 minutes from now.

Another thing I do is run or go shoot hoops or be active in some way. It can level down the anxiety a bit.

And if none of this helps, feel free to disregard. I hope you find what does. :hug:

 

[FauxLiz]

I ended up going to bed early last night I figured if I was sleeping I was cheating the urge to numb. Today has been awful so far. I woke with some sort of a rash that itches like crazy thought it was nothing but a rash on one arm eventually spread to a sporadic rash sort of like hives or poison ivy all over. I took three benadryl at 8 am by 10 I was still itching and scratch. I called my dr's office and they were able to see me right away. Dr wasn't sure what it is, I live in a complex so I don't do lawn work. My son and I had eaten a very simple and plain meal last night for supper without any untested seasonings or sauce. He gave me a steroid shot and prescribed a steroid dose pack and hydroxyzine. The thing is I have had some relief from the shot but not complete I still itch everywhere. I ended up leaving work an hour early because not only was I uncomfortable but I was making the other employees uncomfortable.

So not only was I physically uncomfortable but I am still struggling daily to deal with things and people at work that that are triggering my anxiety and social fears. I keep telling myself that I am going to get fired that I deserve it and I am a fraud. Now I have two days ahead of me, I don't know how not to control the anxiety and Monday at work I worried that I will be a basket case because the board meeting is Monday night and I have already been hearing through staff less than flattering comments about items I have on the board agenda.

 

[Deadman]

I am not one for meditation, I have tried before both guided and unguided and I have not reached a point that I can let go of my mental control to a meditative level without opening the part of my mind that holds all of my trauma memories and terrorize rather than relax myself.

I certainly understand that part. I was never able to meditate or do breathing exercises until very recently. Either the intrusive memories would take over or I would get hijacked by the part of my brain that was always screaming "Don't relax! They'll get you if you relax!". I wish I knew what changed between then and now so I could give you the key :(

 

[ladee]

It is so hard for us to stay 'in the moment'... but it can be done.. if nothing else, pulling our self back into NOW is a distraction within itself... it can be exhausting practicing holding on to NOW.... but making yourself crazy between now and Monday is going to be exhausting too...

If they don't like your ideas, will this mean the end of your job? Just wondering what your major concerns are, if you feel like sharing... if not, that's ok... maybe we could help you break it down to something you can manage....

Glad you reached out... it's always good to know people are on the other end of your post... helps to not feel so alone.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm glad you got some sleep. It could be stress hives. The hydroyzine is actually good for anxiety and allergies. The steroids will push up your anxiety more. I'd suggest asking for an alternative to the steroids - even if it's a full on allergy and not related to the stress. Perhaps a stronger amount of the hydroxyzine.

Maybe it's also time to consider some cognitive challenges to the fears with the board meeting? For starters: you work hard. You are not a fraud. You are a huge asset. Don't give in to imposter syndrome type thinking. Staff pretty much never fully agree on agendas for board meetings, and yet many people still keep their jobs. I know it's probably more complex than what you describe here but the point is that letting these fearful thoughts be challenged with more helpful thoughts.

There is also the power stance: Some examples of how power posing can actually boost your confidence. It actually can help.

With PTSD whirring in the background to fuel the anxiety and fear, you gotta reach for all the safe and health tools you can.

Hang in there. You got this and we are here to support you. :hug: