Avoiding life and what makes life special...relationships

[xena21]

Hi, I haven't been here in a while but I was reading posts and I've seen that many victims of sexual abuse particularly as a child have gone on to find partners, get married and have families. I'm curious about that because I have avoided EVERYTHING to do with sex since I was abused as a child. Can you share how you stopped the avoidance related to meeting others or being able to get into future sexual relationships to the point that you could have a family? Thanks for any information!

Kim

 

[EveHarrington]

Meeting someone who accepted me as I am, didn’t judge, and was willing to give me complete control over anything/everything sexual/intimate (ie it was ok to say “no” at any point, he was 100% on board with the tea concept, etc).

Unfortunately we broke up, but my perception of myself, relationships, sex, and intimacy is forever and markedly increased for the better.

 

[mumstheword]

Unfortunately the only kind of sexual relationship I could come at, for many years was an abusive one.
Eventually, when I realized it was going to kill me, I got out, for my kids sake, I wanted to survive.
I then went on to have a relationship with a fellow sufferer who is kind of a male version of me ,with all the polar opposites and parallels to my life, in a way.
We are still together.
Sex, well I iearnt total submissiveness from my early childhood abuser and severely dissociated. I'm anticipating heavy stuff to surface as I tend to my condition and get the safety and support I need to deal with that. But because I love this man, we are very close friends, he's my bestie, I just ignore the somatic rape-trauma feelings and focus on how much I adore this person and feel safe and attracted to him.

But I think everyone's responses are unique and their experiences are different.

Because I was raped once as a pre-verbal toddler (I deeply suspect and semi-remember) not by a family member, and then drugged and raped at 31/2 (dissociated, still cut off a lot from this, more therapy will reveal more) it feels risky to even state this as I still doubt myself a lot). And then in my teens after being very drunk the first time (don't remember the actual rape) second time given a strong hallucinogenic submission-inducing drug, my emotional feelings are still very cut off from these experiences.

So my feelings for my guy are stronger that the rape memories. Having said that I am constantly plagued by horrible somatic sensations down there and I just ignore them a lot. He is very considerate and sensitive and never ever would he insist or push for sex if I wasn't into it. Someone like that would be a deal breaker at this stage.

Friendship was and is the only basis for us, although one of my symptoms had been hypersexuality, at times. Sex is important to us but at the moment we both have no drive (very symptomatic, both of us, due to living in close proximity to an abusive person who triggers both of us).

But commonalities, compassion, respect, conversation, and honesty are the only way we can conduct this relationship

 

[xena21]

Thanks for your responses. I understand well about the childhood abuse and rape at that age. I'm sorry you have suffered that way. I am happy that you have found a companion though. It makes me feel comforted in a way to see maybe there are people that understand. I don't know if my body will ever understand that sex is not evil though.

I equate anything to do with sex as evil. People's parts are evil to me, so even looking at my own parts is a no no. I can't take regular showers due to the fact that i don't want to see myself. I am triggered all the time when I see anything to do with sex on tv or computer anywhere. Thats why I wonder if I can ever get close to someone. I know I want to be close to someone because I'm lonely. I'm just too afraid. My body seems defiled and I always hate myself for it. Do others understand that?

 

[ms spock]

I don't know if my body will ever understand that sex is not evil though.

It is a tricky one.

I equate anything to do with sex as evil. People's parts are evil to me, so even looking at my own parts is a no no.

Yeah I have combination of this, which goes for a bit but then comes back at times.

I can't take regular showers due to the fact that i don't want to see myself.

I have trouble with showers as well. It has gotten bad again. I have cold showers now, it helps me not get triggered, and I let the cold water run on the back of my necks, this shifts my brain's focus.

Oh yeah this is a tough one. I find it hard to brush my teeth for this reason. I find it hard to go to the toilet because wiping myself can trigger me.

I don't know if my body will ever understand that sex is not evil though.

It is a tricky one.

I equate anything to do with sex as evil. People's parts are evil to me, so even looking at my own parts is a no no.

Yeah I have combination of this, which goes for a bit but then comes back at times.

Thats why I wonder if I can ever get close to someone. I know I want to be close to someone because I'm lonely. I'm just too afraid.

Oh gosh I am so sorry that it is like that for you as well. It is hellishly hard to manage. I really struggle with this so much. Right now I am self soothing with food, and music. Music is the better way to do it. Oh I so feel for you! This is what consumes my days at the moment, if I can drop my front and just be there with another person. I don't know if I can really do it.

My body seems defiled and I always hate myself for it.

It is really hard. I am working on Kristin Neff's concept of Self Compassion. Her Self Compassion Break is something I am forgetting at the moment but it really helps when I do it. Kristen Neff thinks Self Compassion is so important that she gives her audio (you can listen to it for free, you can download to it for free, you can look at her written exercises for free, and copy and paste them for free) she gives it all as what I see as a gift to us all.

Do others understand that?

Oh yes! Absolutely! I really wish I didn't understand. I wish that you didn't feel these levels of humungus pain!

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you in treatment now?

Hugs

 

[ms spock]

I just ignore the somatic rape-trauma feelings

I have this problem as well. I didn't really get that other people have this, I thought it was just me.

my emotional feelings are still very cut off from these experiences.

I have used food to keep these feelings at bay

But commonalities, compassion, respect, conversation, and honesty are the only way we can conduct this relationship

I am so scared to be in my body because of the somatic rape feelings, and whenever I was honest as a child I got severely abused and punished. It is great that you can do all that. I admire that.

 

[Gamereign555]

I was neglected in many ways as a child starting at age three and was later sexually assaulted by a stranger just once when I was seven. The event left me shocked, confused and dissociated from the world for a long time. My social and communication skills were severely lacking. I was a great listener and can talk if I thought close but I was always trying to skirt certain subjects.

I eventually did want to try and be intimate when I was 21. I had to learn to communicate affectively and learn to be vulnerable in the way of sharing how I felt.I was pretty scared to even attempt and she pretty much had to tell me that she liked me and hold up a red flag and wave it at me. I did trust her, she was really good friend and I knew her for over a year prior. We got as far as making out pretty heavily but I wasn’t ready I was still just too scared.

Circumstances took us away from each other and that ended abruptly.

I tried again with another woman when I was 24. Again I got to know her for quite a while and we had talked a lot. I trusted her and it turned out I was her first intimate partner. We both shared in creating our own portrait of how sexual intimacy would be.

Soon it grew into an intimate relationship that was quite normal. I seemed to had transformed into someone who wasn’t scared anymore. I became more confident about cues and acting on them.

Prior to age 21, I had always had a lot of friends that were girls But is soon as I realized any of them were attracted to me,suddenly things became difficult. Seemingly from nowhere I would lose my communication skills and show up and have a hard time saying how I felt hearing it would lead to intimacy somehow. I had to learn how to break through that. I had to want to break through that. It was probably the hardest thing I had ever done in my life.

 

[Mach123]

Once I was sexualized I never cared about anything else. (I want you to know the words sex and love are interchangeable in me.) Really honestly I still don't. The therapist has a (I can't say it that's so funny). She says I need to work on that. (That part who is now much more present and active) She knows I feel threatened when she says that. (Someone) This year, with so much coming to the surface, I became much more sexual. I also became much nicer, more able to feel kindness, compassion and love. I don't know if it's a down side but a lot of my submissiveness comes with it. It's very threatening to allow this to be going on with me but the therapy is bringing it out. This is me in a very real way.

That being said we didn't know anything about this when we married. I had partial and repressed memories of what happened, but I had no idea what that meant, or even what was real.

We got a silver lining. We are committed and as far as I know, have always been monogamous. I believe now that we saw in each other somehow the things we needed. I don't go into my partners stuff that's none of my business unless she wants to but she has "stuff" and everything worked together to make us compatible. IDK we rode it out somehow.

So even though I had the shame of having been involved in CSA that's what it was. I had to. I had to all the time. I did not have the aversion to sex I had quite the opposite which allowed for me to have a much different experience, a different reaction to the same thing.

There is more I'd like to say about this but IDK that it's 100% applicable. Plus IDK if I can say it. I saw your thread and thought about it for a day or so and I knew I wanted to say something. : ) Thank you.

 

[xena21]

It is a tricky one.


Yeah I have combination of this, which goes for a bit but then comes b...

Thanks so much for your reply! It means a lot to me. I wasn't sure if I was abnormal. I see things on tv all the time and hear them on the radio as well as on the computer. Its always out there and I constantly feel like I'm a crazy person alone in the world. I appreciate your response!

 

[xena21]

Are you in treatment now?

Hugs

Yes I am in treatment. Its been a rocky road of them trying to figure me out so to speak. But I do like my Dr now. I just have a really difficult time opening up about anything. I guess I don't trust much. SO I'm hoping that will change. Thanks!

 

[xena21]

Once I was sexualized I never cared about anything else. (I want you to know the words sex and love ar...

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate the information and your heartfelt thoughts. Everyone has a story to tell. I need to figure out that life isn't a fairytail painted in the movies or tv. I need to hear everyones stories and know that its hard to find relationships and trust others. In my head...logically I know that, but I always try to revert back to "I'm the odd one that has NEVER had sex unless it was as a child" and I could never endour it again as a mature adult. If I ever want to get close to people I know I have to start trusting others.