Relationship Am i even in the right thread?! i just need help!!

[Veevivianvee]

The same way you accept that having a seizure changes plans for the day. It’s just how it is. So you d...

Thanks for the response......i usually dont make plans when my seizures are in affect i also let people know ahead of time . .i can see where you would try and make similarities ...... and i admit there are some as far as accepting each others issues go, but shutting people out is on a whole different subject in my opinion. I get that people handle things differently so I understand ..i also let everyone i meet immediately know what my deal is upfront . Although he did try to avoid his situation in the beginning of things it eventually came out.
Yes my seizures are difficult not as difficult as some people's are..but i have learned to manage.... however I can't learn to manage his ptsd it doesn't belong to me.

 

[Veevivianvee]

I didn’t deal the first time because I didn’t understand it. Now I do. I handle it because PTSD is...

Ahh i see! This is my first time too..i actually didnt know things like this happened .i was really happy to find a good useful and active forum. I know this isnt exactly something you can prepare for but i think if i had more information and a support network which i do not have i would be able to get through things..no one around me understands my relationship. hell i even get hit with the you should just move on crap from my own mother and there's no way im even going to take advice from her.

 

[EveHarrington]

It seems like you have this idea of how things should be....but it’s a bit off the mark of how things actually are when dealing with PTSD.

We don’t always know in advance if we aren’t doing well. Cancelling is oftentimes a last minute thing. Last Saturday I canceled on a friend with an hours notice. (And I’m nearly a decade into healing.)

It truly is a matter of accepting that this is a dynamic that is likely to not change (much).

 

[Veevivianvee]

It seems like you have this idea of how things should be....but it’s a bit off the mark of how...

I know and its really stupid of me but im trying really hard to remove all the ideas i have about relationships to the trash bin...im trying really hard to accept that this isn't a normal relationship ..i have been since i found out.
I dont even know if im really upset about cancelling anymore.... i dont think i am .....?
I am upset i couldn't go to therapy with him anymore as i saw it as a chance to really get to know more and to learn good communication skills or at least what not to do to not be a trigger or to not add to the "stress cup"
Im also upset that as much as he says we are a team it just doesnt feel like it right now

 

[EveHarrington]

Therapy needs to be a safe place for him to work through issues with his therapist, without a partner. If you want to go to therapy with him, it’s best to find a separate counselor for the both of you.

As much as you want to be a team with him in his healing, this is something he must do on his own, hopefully with the support of loved ones.

 

[Sweetpea76]

i usually dont make plans when my seizures are in affect i also let people know ahead of time

People with PTSD don't always know when something may trigger or stress them. It could be something as random as a smell. He may have very well not even realized that it was Memorial Day until he got a call from his Battle, or saw a commercial on TV for a mattress sale or something. It may have hit him like a bucket of cold water.

shutting people out is on a whole different subject in my opinion.

Honestly... if I were to bet money on the situation, he is shutting you out because you freaked out. His cup was already full from Memorial Day, then the relationship drama on top set it all over the edge. He has to process all the stress. Until he processes it he's going to avoid additional stressors if he can. This is not him getting into a snit. This is him being overwhelmed or not able to deal.

You cannot learn how "not to be a trigger." Sometimes things are going to be triggers, and they're involving you. My vet was triggered as hell once because I had tossed a broken down cardboard box into the recycle bin. It was laying like a piece of trash that was covering an IED his vehicle hit in Iraq. How could I have avoided it? I couldn't have, and it wasn't my fault. *I* didn't trigger him... he wasn't triggered.

Stressors are different. You can learn how to minimize stress. You are allowed your emotions. If you were pissed off that he canceled on you, it is fine to be pissed off. However, as you now know, high emotions aren't going to go over well with a PTSD sufferer. You have to learn how to manage those reactions. He can't handle his own stress, so he can't handle yours too. It's like pouring a gallon of milk into a Dixie Cup.

Check this out Stressor vs. Trigger - What Is A Trigger?

 

[Veevivianvee]

People with PTSD don't always know when something may trigger or stress them. It could be something...

Thank you for the post reference and response.i really appreciate it

Therapy needs to be a safe place for him to work through issues with his therapist, without a par...

Thank you eve!

 

[Confused_84]

People with PTSD don't always know when something may trigger or stress them. It could be something as random as a smell. He may have very well not even realized that it was Memorial Day until he got a call from his Battle, or saw a commercial on TV for a mattress sale or something. It may have hit him like a bucket of cold water.



Honestly... if I were to bet money on the situation, he is shutting you out because you freaked out. His cup was already full from Memorial Day, then the relationship drama on top set it all over the edge. He has to process all the stress. Until he processes it he's going to avoid additional stressors if he can. This is not him getting into a snit. This is him being overwhelmed or not able to deal.

Thank you soooo much for this post. I had a feeling that my ex was overwhelmed. His refusal to talk to me about anything that led to us breaking up IMO is because he can’t process any of the stress I have him. I was so sick of walking on eggshells for him that I kind of let loose my frustrations on him at the worst possible time for him mentally. I still love him and would like it to work out between us, however, I just don’t see that happening as long as he doesn’t want to help himself (he has been diagnosed with PTSD).

 

[OrangeJulius]

Lots of good advice here!

Again, its ok to leave if this is not something that will jive with your life plans.

PTSD will always be there. Sometimes you can predict when things are gonna suck....other times it'll sneak up on you. More than likely you will see it before he does and because of that he won't be able to communicate what's going on as he will already be in survival mode.

Its during these times that you're essentially single. You're managing the household on your own, going places on your own, supporting yourself emotionally etc.

Everything must be flexible. You can be dressed and ready to walk out the door while he's finishing getting ready .... and taking SOOOO LONG and then you realize he's not going and you go alone or its date night in (maybe).

He can say yes he's going to whatever event all he wants but I just dont believe it til I see it. Thankfully my honey works crazy hours so I always have an excuse.

PTSD comes with a lot of irrationality and that means you'll probably be blamed for the most ridiculous things. This means that any issue you have will have to wait til symptoms decrease so you can actually have a productive conversation.

Patience is key.

This is not to say your have to shut up and deal with it. At all. You need your voice heard and you need not walk on eggshells. And whatever you want out of a relationship you deserve to get. So, its a balancing act with a lot of self-reflection to ensure your needs are being met.

Good luck to you. Again, its ok to not want this. I know my honey would resent me if I ever decided to stay with him because I felt bad for him or for any reasons related to PTSD. I'm guessing yours would feel the same as I hear those same sentiments from many sufferers around here.

Also, you cannot help or change or fix his PTSD. Only he can. You cannot love and support the PTSD away. The PTSD just is.

 

[Veevivianvee]

Lots of good advice here!

Again, its ok to leave if this is not something that will jive with you...

I hate to say what i am thinking as this is a public forum..
But thank you for your reply all of your advice has truly been helpful..i especially thank you for saying there's nothing wrong with it not being for me! It's really something i need to think about, with lots of time and consideration. I've never been so confused in my life , and i hope i can truly reach a decision that i will be ok with.

 

[Veevivianvee]

( mainly venting but everyone feel free to respond if you want) I've kept up with all his appointments ....its hard for me to not send that reminder text , I don't want to text him..but i hope he doesn't miss any of his appointments. I find it easier not to text him, now that i know a little more about what's going on. I have to admit not knowing and wondering if he was hurt or something worse, definitely sent me into Panic mode.Once my anxiety starts i have trouble getting it to stop, Im kind of glad this happened ...not the way it happened, but at least now i know i should see a therapist again about my own issues. I also now know that things like this occur , and that it all just comes with the territory. Ive always admitted its not one i know well, hell i can even admit that it scares me to death...but i know being scared never helps anything. I hope to one day have a support network that i can lean on and run to when times get rough. It drives me crazy that before i met him i only wanted to depend on me, always me for everything .... meeting him was almost like getting hit by a train.... he's life changing! I hope the thoughts in my head that are telling me i cant do this eventually fade away. Im not sure what our conversation will be like when he comes back if he ever comes back...i hope he does ...i just wouldn't know what to say.

 

[S.E.]

I'm sorry if im not in the right place, but i honestly just need people to talk to who have more e...

I’m so glad you reached out and hope I can offer some insight / suggestions. I only have a couple minutes right now so I might have to come back to say everything I want to write.

It sounds like you care for him deeply and desperately want to do the right things for him AND you, and when your hard efforts don’t result in a good outcome, it can be agonizing!

I think the best way to have him come back is to do some soul searching and some restorative self-self care so that he can approach you when you are in a place of feeling strong and grounded. Sometimes it doesn’t feel safe for someone with PTSD to be around someone if they perceive the other person is anxious or is needing something from them. Even if all you need is emotional connection, that can feel overwhelming for him if he’s not in a place to deliver that.

By the way, the “episode” he is having could be a flashback or he is in a triggered or heightened state. It’s very understandable that he would distance himself when triggers or reminders come up, and it’s probably the healthiest thing for him to do, depending on the dynamics of your relationship. To give you another example, I have PTSD and when I have a flashback, it’s much more productive if I take a break by excusing myself from the discussion I’m having with my husband and go process through the flashback on my own in another room. This gives me a sense of empowerment that I can be a support to myself and eliminates the probability that my husband will say or do something that will aggravate the situation. Even though he is loving and has great intentions, it’s hard for him as a supporter to fully understand what I need or how otherwise loving responses could make things worse. When I’m having a flashback, it feels like I’m in danger and things I do or say would seem irrational or extreme to someone who hasn’t experienced a flashback. When I’m alone, i can control my environment.

I will try to add more later.