Relationship SHE MESSAGED ME! Need advice ASAP

[blackemerald1]

it seems some of you are determined to make me feel even worse

^^I cannot make you feel anything, least of all worse that what you probably already do.

Your feelings are your own responsibility. But just for the record, I don't want to make you feel worse but I'm not going to support your reluctance or inability, whichever it really is, with moving forward without her as your girlfriend, friend or whatever she once was.

If it had been an official break up I could deal...

^^After a duration of two months - you require 'an official' break-up notice? She told you to give her some space and you have been having a problem dealing with that.

You seem immensely over-invested in all of this. I'm not wanting to sound harsh but can you see this?

 

[Mumo]

I don't know if I'll ever be a safe person to her again, and it makes me feel like an awful person.

I don't think you are an awful person :) You have shown her kindness and concern. That's admirable. I'm sorry you are going through this. Take care of and be at peace with yourself. Enjoy your life. :) You have been here for sometime. You sought out information and answers. How great is that! She may be going through a lot in her mind, that you really can't help her with. You can only do what you can do. And again, I think what you are doing and what you have done are admirable. Be at peace with that. You are a good person, I wish we could all have someone like you in our lives.
You sounded like you felt a little ganged up on. I want to encourage you. Sometimes the written word can sound different than it is intended. Try to use a different tone, a softer tone when reading our words. They are meant to help and encourage you, not bring you down. Try to remember that. :)
I am grateful there are kind people out there and that you are one of them. :)

 

[solemn93]

She just may not want to deal with your inability to respect her boundaries.

For a couple days? When I said it wouldn't happen again?
I feel like she wouldn't have sent the message this thread is about if that was true
Also it was 3 months, but whatever
I'm probably done here, even if she does come back. Its obvious that I've overshared here and its colored the feedback I've gotten.

 

[solemn93]

Yes, I'm quite aware that I get over-invested in people.
I am no longer interested in your opinions.


Thank you Mumo

 

[mumstheword]

I'm feeling for you. I get the wanting to have closure, like an official break up, rather than the sense of left dangling. Sometimes it's the uncertainty that is the most stressful thing to deal with.
But hold on to the love and connection. No one can take that away from you. If you care for her, you care for her, you can't help that.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

If you can think those fond and caring thoughts for her without any attachment to any outcome, but the gratitude for having had that special connection, who knows what the future holds?

I don't think anyone in their right mind would tell you to stop caring about her, just to care for yourself more and try to cultivate the positive side of opening your heart to someone, rather than the suffering of the separation.

Opening your heart is a beautiful thing, just important to give that love inwards too, and release attachment and angst while hanging on to the good feelings and memories.

Easier said than done!

When me and my bf (also a traumatized person) broke up, it was agonizing, because I knew I wouldn't get over him.

We ended up getting back together and are still happy together 7 years later, but I had to wait and greive and let him have time to get over the fear and mistrust that being with me brought up.

Patience and allowance and respect and positivity won out in the end and I got my man back.

Wishing you peace and fullfillment, however it turns out.

 

[Mumo]

@solemn93 I believe you've shown her great kindness and your heart is in the right place. Please remember that. It is very hard to go through what she is going through. But, yes, it is hard for the supporter as well. She is lucky to have met you. :)

 

[solemn93]

An update. Ran into her at a concert and confronted her. She told me she still thinks about me, still cares about me, and wants me to be happy. Said the guy with her wasn't her boyfriend, from the tone and hesitation it was an obvious lie. Said she'd call the next day and gave me a hug. It was painful to see her chatting and laughing with her friends, but I know that bar is her element, and anywhere else her true timid and tortured nature shows through.

She called and said she had been into it and had fun for awhile, but that she couldn't handle emotions. She had told me before she'd never get back with her ex, that he was too obsessive and emotional, that they don't mix well, and yet she's been back with him for a month. She said she had felt guilty about how she treated him when they dated a year ago, but does she really feel any guilt about me? She quit her well paying job two months ago. We texted about exchanging our books and keys, which we'll be doing soon.

I'm too angry to feel anything for her now. I don't want her anymore. I don't respect cowards that would rather save face and not deal with the consequences of their behavior. She'll run away from him again just like she did before, and that cycle will repeat until she gets help. It's going to be hard running into them at local shows, I was shaking and hyperventilating, had to run to my car and grab an anxiety pill. I hate feeling like someone has gotten the better of me, and it's going to be difficult not to vent my frustration at her.

My best friend is gonna put me on a blind date with one of her dance students, and I'm going to try to put this behind me. I would have been fine months ago if she'd just been straightforward with me, but at least now I have closure and can heal. It's her loss. She's admitted she's never been happy, but I hope maybe someday she will be, despite how immature and cruel she has been. ? this hurts like hell, but I know I've dodged a bullet here. Being strung along is the worst, and it makes me question my self worth.
Maybe with time we'll be able to be friends, right now I can tell she's too ashamed for that, and I'm too angry.

 

[solemn93]

I was hoping the person she'd feel safe with and come back to would be me, but instead it was him, he gets his second chance and I don't.

 

[Mumo]

I'm so sorry @solemn93 ...You are right, it is her loss. I'm sorry you are going through this. A broken heart is a hard thing to deal with. I'm glad you have some closure, even if it is heartbreaking.
:(
Look to the horizon and all the new possibilities in store for you. I know how kind you are, now be kind to yourself. You deserve someone who will smile and light up when you come into the room. Don't settle for anyone less. :) I'll be thinking of you, remember, be kind to yourself.

 

[Muttly]

I am sorry that it was such a painful experience for you. It is good that you are ready to move on now. I hope you don't rush into another relationship. It sounds like there are some things you could work on, before getting to invested in someone. Caring about someone you are dating is normal, but I think you do a lot of black/white thinking that can be very challenging in a relationship.

I am curious as to how you feel she was cruel and strung you along? I do understand she did not provide you with all the information about being with her ex, but am I missing something else?

 

[Neverthesame]

Said the guy with her wasn't her boyfriend, from the tone and hesitation it was an obvious lie.

This was her decision, besides it doesn't sound like you were then, or are now, in a state of mind to be content with anything she says or does.
Nor does she owe you anything. Healthy people lie like this too, it's just part of dating life.

She had told me before she'd never get back with her ex, that he was too obsessive and emotional, that they don't mix well, and yet she's been back with him for a month.

It's her choice. Always has been. Maybe she'll figure it out one day, or she won't. It has nothing to do with you.

does she really feel any guilt about me?

Doesn't matter. Trying to base your sense of self worth on someone else's feelings is a good way get hurt by 99.9% of people you are emotionally attached to.

She quit her well paying job two months ago.

Her choice.

I don't respect cowards that would rather save face and not deal with the consequences of their behavior.

That's your choice. You can feel any way you please about anyone you want, just don't expect it to mean anything to anyone else.

She'll run away from him again just like she did before, and that cycle will repeat until she gets help.

Maybe, it's her life to lead. She's an adult, thus allowed to do this.

I hate feeling like someone has gotten the better of me,

How?

it's going to be difficult not to vent my frustration at her.

You're an adult, as such this sort of behaviour can have consequences. Might be best to avoid interacting with her until you can be sure you will behave as an adult.

I would have been fine months ago if she'd just been straightforward with me

She's refused to have anything to do with you for months and months. You were separated longer than you were together, most people would have given up long ago. I don't see how a different wording on a sentence would have made it easier for you to accept.

Maybe with time we'll be able to be friends

I'd say let it go. If not that, don't even think about being friends for a long time.

instead it was him, he gets his second chance and I don't.

This happens in relationships. It sucks, but it's just part of life, with or without mental illness clouding the picture.

 

[solemn93]

@Neverthesame
Adults are honest and up front. Adults don't ghost. Adults don't refuse to return someone's possessions so that they can be a fallback option. Not only that, but she cheated as well.
Every one that knows us irl agrees that it's sh*tty behavior. That shes childish. They convinced ME of this, I wanted to defend her. You don't know us, you're a stranger on the internet and I'll be putting you on ignore too.