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MyPTSD Pro
When my Father died I thought it wouldn't have much effect on me. And on the surface that seemed to be true.
Unfortunately this was not the case. I have really lost my shit in some ways. My eating is out of control. I gained back all the weight I lost and I didn't f*cking care. After all that f*cking hard work I didn't f*cking care. My anxiety is really high. I am having a lot panic attacks. I am having nightmares. My anxiety is really high. I am so over reactive. I am all over the place. I delay going to bed because of the fear of rape. I am safe right now but I f*cking don't feel it one tiny little bit. I am so back home with my family.
It was a shame that Papa Bear died when he did and I did spend weeks 24/7 in hospital and caring for him at the Nursing Home. As he was deaf there were multiple complications along with the dementia. I did a really good job in looking after him. I stayed with him all the time. I advocated what he wanted. I stood up in really difficult situations and stood my ground because I didn't want to let him down. It took a lot out of me. I was really good. I was on the ball. I really covered all the bases, even realising that each change of shift meant a whole new education of his needs and abilities to the new staff. When he said he was in so much pain he wanted to die I went into bat and stood up to authority figures. I was really good. The bounce back and the reverberations are really intense.
My partner B, suffers from depression, anxiety and he has been so ill. We have had multiple hospital visits, ambulances and some operations. The next one is in February and we have to wait until then. He isn't good. He is also just not doing anything. It's annoying, but I have had offered him advice and it's best to say nothing now. There's no point. So I try to focus on what he did right or a thing he did for me that is positive and I just focus on talking about that. Because I want to be emotionally safe for him to be around. It's not his fault that is depressed and struggling when I lost my PTSD shite. If he behaved like an adult it would help but you know that's not goingto happen right now and I am very lucky to have a partner like I have. Though it's challenging at times. I am so lucky. He sees all my crazy shit. I have been walking around in maladaptive daydreaming talking to imaginary other folks and he just lets me be. He puts up with my crazy. I also do take very good care of him as well.
So despite this I did teach today and I am networking around a part time job for this year. I am dealing with Crazy Lady 85 and basically I outlasted Crazy Lady 65 but it's f*cking really tough. Crazy Lady 65 was waiting for me so she could bitch about me so I just stayed until Crazy Lady 85 left. Crazy Lady 65 is manipulative, vicious, aggressive and a real pain in the arse. She is an administrative staff but she thinks she can bully the teachers. She has been bullying Crazy Lady 85 for years. Anyway I didn't respond to her ridiculous statements. I agreed wholeheartedly with Crazy Lady 85 but I just kept packing everything up so Crazy Lady 65 isn't required on Friday. And so I won this round. I will lose others but I won this round for when I teach on Friday. So I did a great job with the kids and managing multiple levels of differentiation for a wide range of abilities. So then I got ready for Friday. And that was very challenging with the B/S that is going on.
I also been dealing with burnt animals from the fires and being on the Hotlines and rescuing. That's tough as well. So I got on the Hotline when I got home because folks are so tired and I stuff up my time with my psychiatrist and anyway I got to talk to her. So I f*cked up and I wish I hadn't done that.
So then I went to be one with the nerds. The nerds are awesome and I am at one with the nerds within. But I came home early as I needed to write this down- the page about my Father. His impact on my life has been catastrophic.
But anyway I don't think this spiral will stop until I make a stand and do something about my Father's estate. I wasn't going to do it but f*ck I can't go on like this I am a mess. It's an unravelling or something. I don't what the f*ck it is. Probably what my psychiatrist said I didn't get the acknowledgement or the apology and part of me was hanging for that even though my conscious mind didn't care. But I do care. I must care a lot because f*ck I am a goddamned mess.
Anyway I don't really read or contribute around the forums like I used to or answer threads. I think all the people that came through when I did pretty much got well as they could and then went off to have lives, stumbling as they are at times. Anyways for the folks that do know me and yes I am asking for direct validation again even though @Ronin gave it to me and I spacked out. What would you write about my Father?
I wrote a page and maybe that's enough.
I don't know anymore but I have to write something. I am going to see a solicitor tomorrow. I don't want to have to say anything much I want to write it down tonight.
I am not doing too badly for how badly I am going, if you know what I mean. I am really struggling but I made it to work today. It's a really part time part time job but I turned up and dealt with the crappiness of someone who really is borderline and misadagnosed who has PTSD and Complex Trauma. It was shitty dealing with her but I did it despite being emotionally in a fairly compromised way.
But I am self sabotaging, and it's not good.
I would not end my life but I wanted to make the point that if I knew the never ending pain and suffering that I would go through without my sisters and brothers and ostracised from my family that I would have stayed there and just be killed by him along with my sisters and brothers and my Mother because then the pain would have ended.
Unfortunately this was not the case. I have really lost my shit in some ways. My eating is out of control. I gained back all the weight I lost and I didn't f*cking care. After all that f*cking hard work I didn't f*cking care. My anxiety is really high. I am having a lot panic attacks. I am having nightmares. My anxiety is really high. I am so over reactive. I am all over the place. I delay going to bed because of the fear of rape. I am safe right now but I f*cking don't feel it one tiny little bit. I am so back home with my family.
It was a shame that Papa Bear died when he did and I did spend weeks 24/7 in hospital and caring for him at the Nursing Home. As he was deaf there were multiple complications along with the dementia. I did a really good job in looking after him. I stayed with him all the time. I advocated what he wanted. I stood up in really difficult situations and stood my ground because I didn't want to let him down. It took a lot out of me. I was really good. I was on the ball. I really covered all the bases, even realising that each change of shift meant a whole new education of his needs and abilities to the new staff. When he said he was in so much pain he wanted to die I went into bat and stood up to authority figures. I was really good. The bounce back and the reverberations are really intense.
My partner B, suffers from depression, anxiety and he has been so ill. We have had multiple hospital visits, ambulances and some operations. The next one is in February and we have to wait until then. He isn't good. He is also just not doing anything. It's annoying, but I have had offered him advice and it's best to say nothing now. There's no point. So I try to focus on what he did right or a thing he did for me that is positive and I just focus on talking about that. Because I want to be emotionally safe for him to be around. It's not his fault that is depressed and struggling when I lost my PTSD shite. If he behaved like an adult it would help but you know that's not goingto happen right now and I am very lucky to have a partner like I have. Though it's challenging at times. I am so lucky. He sees all my crazy shit. I have been walking around in maladaptive daydreaming talking to imaginary other folks and he just lets me be. He puts up with my crazy. I also do take very good care of him as well.
So despite this I did teach today and I am networking around a part time job for this year. I am dealing with Crazy Lady 85 and basically I outlasted Crazy Lady 65 but it's f*cking really tough. Crazy Lady 65 was waiting for me so she could bitch about me so I just stayed until Crazy Lady 85 left. Crazy Lady 65 is manipulative, vicious, aggressive and a real pain in the arse. She is an administrative staff but she thinks she can bully the teachers. She has been bullying Crazy Lady 85 for years. Anyway I didn't respond to her ridiculous statements. I agreed wholeheartedly with Crazy Lady 85 but I just kept packing everything up so Crazy Lady 65 isn't required on Friday. And so I won this round. I will lose others but I won this round for when I teach on Friday. So I did a great job with the kids and managing multiple levels of differentiation for a wide range of abilities. So then I got ready for Friday. And that was very challenging with the B/S that is going on.
I also been dealing with burnt animals from the fires and being on the Hotlines and rescuing. That's tough as well. So I got on the Hotline when I got home because folks are so tired and I stuff up my time with my psychiatrist and anyway I got to talk to her. So I f*cked up and I wish I hadn't done that.
So then I went to be one with the nerds. The nerds are awesome and I am at one with the nerds within. But I came home early as I needed to write this down- the page about my Father. His impact on my life has been catastrophic.
But anyway I don't think this spiral will stop until I make a stand and do something about my Father's estate. I wasn't going to do it but f*ck I can't go on like this I am a mess. It's an unravelling or something. I don't what the f*ck it is. Probably what my psychiatrist said I didn't get the acknowledgement or the apology and part of me was hanging for that even though my conscious mind didn't care. But I do care. I must care a lot because f*ck I am a goddamned mess.
Anyway I don't really read or contribute around the forums like I used to or answer threads. I think all the people that came through when I did pretty much got well as they could and then went off to have lives, stumbling as they are at times. Anyways for the folks that do know me and yes I am asking for direct validation again even though @Ronin gave it to me and I spacked out. What would you write about my Father?
I wrote a page and maybe that's enough.
I don't know anymore but I have to write something. I am going to see a solicitor tomorrow. I don't want to have to say anything much I want to write it down tonight.
I am not doing too badly for how badly I am going, if you know what I mean. I am really struggling but I made it to work today. It's a really part time part time job but I turned up and dealt with the crappiness of someone who really is borderline and misadagnosed who has PTSD and Complex Trauma. It was shitty dealing with her but I did it despite being emotionally in a fairly compromised way.
But I am self sabotaging, and it's not good.
I would not end my life but I wanted to make the point that if I knew the never ending pain and suffering that I would go through without my sisters and brothers and ostracised from my family that I would have stayed there and just be killed by him along with my sisters and brothers and my Mother because then the pain would have ended.
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