How do you let go of control?

[Ecdysis]

Would it help looking at what your *fear* is, if you do let go of control? Like, really explore and name those fears? Instead of letting it be a vague, unnamed threat? I find that if I can work out the actual fear, by shining the light of attention on it, then it's often less scary than if there's stuff cluttering around in the dark and I've only got a vague sense of fear/ avoidance.

 

[OceanSpray]

Would it help looking at what your *fear* is, if you do let go of control?

I guess the biggest fear is rejection. That if I don’t get things perfectly right, everyone will see that and see that I’m truly just a horrible person who has been manipulating them the whole time and then they’ll walk away and I’ll always be alone in every capacity. I know that’s not rational, but it’s exactly where my head goes. I have to control everything I can so that no disaster hits because if disaster hits it will be my fault and everyone will know that and blame me.

 

[PamelaS]

I've been mulling this over since you posted and my opinion is:
Changing core beliefs
And
Building a sense of self.


For me, the need for control came I think primarily from childhood messages that I was responsible for other people's wellbeing and therefore I had this omipresence that controlled things. All fabrications of course. But those messages built anxiety and a sense of control and then the need to control.
What added to that was the goal posts kept shifting. The narratives changed as I adapted my behaviour to try and control the uncontrollable. It was never enough. I never got it right. Other people's wellbeing, and my own (which wasn't anyone's concern actually) continued as they were. The messages of what I needed to do to control changed and a never ending mind field of control continued, as did anxiety.

As an adult it was understanding that. Understanding I had no control over anything, never mind how much I believed I did, and that the only thing I can control is my thoughts and my behaviours and, to some extent, my feelings.
And then learning that nothing exists but this moment. Not the past and not the future. Both things that I can't control.
And then learning to change my thoughts.

Not sure I am articulating it all right, but that's my journey with it.

As I reread this post a light bulb went off about why I have had the need to control things. When you described your situation of needing to be responsible for others, I could relate. My mother placed me in the position as her protector from my father. That’s a lot of responsibility for a kid. It makes total sense that this would create anxiety as well as control issues. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Metropolitan Nomad]

I was going to open a new thread but this one might be ideal for me. I can't help but interfere in other people's lives. I know this and there are two reasons. One is horrific loneliness and the other is paranoia. I've been lied to, betrayed, backstabbed, cheated and ignored all my damn life. I've tried to warn people of issues and been told to "go forth and multiply" and its made me determined in a way to prevent more misery but I can't help it.

 

[Dadzilla]

How do I let go of control? By having as much fun as possible.


Are you only a control freak when your anxiety is up?

Fun generates guilty feelings of not being productive. I "know" that's silly, yet it's persisted for 5 decades.

 

[Friday]

Fun generates guilty feelings of not being productive. I "know" that's silly, yet it's persisted for 5 decades.

I enlisted in the military when I was 17… and “cleaning” switched from a miserable/horrid experience best avoided that I had grown up with… to pizza & beer & music & laughter. Same task. One? Miserable. One? Fun.

I’ve used that as my guide, ever since… and have found veeeeery few things in life which cannot be made fun, if I put my mind to it.

 

[Dadzilla]

I enlisted in the military when I was 17… and “cleaning” switched from a miserable/horrid experience best avoided that I had grown up with… to pizza & beer & music & laughter. Same task. One? Miserable. One? Fun.

I’ve used that as my guide, ever since… and have found veeeeery few things in life which cannot be made fun, if I put my mind to it.

I'm glad you were able to figure that out.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Fun generates guilty feelings of not being productive. I "know" that's silly, yet it's persisted for 5 decades.

I do have experience with this to some extent but the definition of "fun" varies completely to different people and there would be a spectrum from less to more fun, you must have been thinking of extremes.

 

[Dadzilla]

I do have experience with this to some extent but the definition of "fun" varies completely to different people and there would be a spectrum from less to more fun, you must have been thinking of extremes.

"Fun" was considered silly and childish by my narcissistic dad when growing up, as were many essential needs.

 

[Friday]

"Fun" was considered silly and childish by my narcissistic dad when growing up, as were many essential needs.

I’d strongly recommend you take this into Core Belief territory… to rubix/process/look@/work on… as it’s been 50 years of agreeing with him.

Unless you DO agree with him, rather than have locked yourself into living with his beliefs, his rules, his ethos… instead of your own.

 

[Susan Jane]

As I reread this post a light bulb went off about why I have had the need to control things. When you described your situation of needing to be responsible for others, I could relate. My mother placed me in the position as her protector from my father. That’s a lot of responsibility for a kid. It makes total sense that this would create anxiety as well as control issues. Thanks for sharing.

Yes it is..

Fun generates guilty feelings of not being productive. I "know" that's silly, yet it's persisted for 5 decades.

Fun makes me more productive… it motivates me, and makes me feel good

 

[Susan Jane]

I have been pondering this issue for years. Control was the only thing that made me feel I was somehow safe. It never worked and I made my life more stressful than it already was. The truth is we can’t control much and the more I try, the more unhappiness I create for myself. Letting go of the notion of control is the best thing I have learned in my life. This doesn’t mean I give up and don’t participate it means that I have to accept things as they are, and decide what I want to do with it… Complicated life or? Control is an issue for pretty much every human. Fact is anything can happen even fantastic things