Relationship Tired Of Ptsd - Found Relief ...... But With Another Man - Pls Help

[Sunshine71]

Oh guys

I need your help again…..

To recap I have supported my hubby for 3 years with his PTSD and more… I do everything from look after the insurance case after the car accident, to the insurance, run the household, pay the bills, trying to do the best for our little boy – reading with him and taking him out….. and run my own business.

Hubby can’t help at all. He says he wants to but sometimes just can’t think.

He has told me I am a trigger and broke down after a few days away as he was coming back to us. I am trying so hard and I am so tired.

Last weekend he left us in the middle of the shopping centre. Our son was playing up and he threw the car keys and disappeared.

There seems to be no love or sparkle. He said that 1 minute having sex sounds good – the next it repulses him. (We rarely are intimate)

I know it’s the medication – he has tried to reduce the anti depressants but it was making him feel suicidal again.

I went on a business meeting and a guy joined our table.

He looked into my eyes and OMG. I have never felt like that before.

We chatted and had fun.

It was wonderful to be a grown up – not chasing after my son and not talking about the car accident and being worried about paying the bills.

He asked to meet up and we did.

I met him completely as a business meeting as I do running my own business.

It wasn’t though – It seemed like a date with fun and laughter.

After over 20 years of not even looking at another guy and supporting my hubby I am so confused.

I had fun and I really felt a connection with this guy.

Nothing happened – other than he said some great things to me – things that I haven’t heard for many many years – although he did reach out and held my hand.

I completely froze – It really took me by surprise.

We have since exchanged some texts and emails. They are nice and some yes a touch of flirt.

He doesn’t know much more other than my marriage is ‘difficult’.

I never thought I would like another guy.

I have spoken to hubby and said that I want the sparkle back – I have been making an effort, wearing nice clothes, reading ‘the book’ that everyone is reading, hugging and kissing him.

But nothing back. No sparkle in his eyes....

Thanks for reading and I really hope you can help me.

I never went looking for another guy – it just happened. I know he likes me and we have a connection.

I don’t think I could ever leave my hubby I know he will not recover.

But its killing me and this bit of relief was amazing.

I know other than to not see this guy again there is no answer... But what if my marriage is over anyway....?? I am trying to hang on and support. But like everyone on this amazing forum I am just wiped out......

With love

Sunshine

 

[amethist]

Oh sunshine, be careful, your walking on tricky ground here.

We understand how tough it is for you and how tempting it must be to have another man show an interest.

Remember how you felt when you asked us about your husband having a girlfriend.

No one is going to tell you what to do, but if you intend standing by your husband, dont let this go any further with this man.

It is your decisions and it is a hard one, but one you have to make as ASAP.

 

[Sunshine71]

I know Amethist - It was horrible and I stood by him again during this and of course so much more. I wish I never went to the business meeting that night.... I have never felt something like this before and I cant get it off of my mind..... I wish I could xxxx

THANK YOU so much xxx

 

[amethist]

Treat it as a learning curve, and choose wisely.

I have to admit there was a time when my husband was so bad I thought about what would happen if I met someone else. It never happened and I am so glad I did not put myself in that situation.

So I can understand how must have made you feel at the time, but just let it go as one of life's fantasies. We can all have them.

 

[Toria]

Trust me when I say that I know how wonderful it can be to pretend that life isn't :poop: - even if it's just for five minutes. The smile it can put on your face, the spring it can put in your step and the song in your soul.

But that's not your life. Your life is with your son and your man. Of course, if you choose to leave that is entirely up to you - but it doesn't sound to me as if you really want to.

Like Amethist says - chalk it up to experience and maybe put that hope in to Husband's recovery. Things will pick up one day (maybe not perfect, but maybe not as :poop: as they are now) and then you will know why you made the effort.

xxx

 

[celia]

Sunshine, The grass is never greener as they say.

An affair will never work out. It will throw another wrench into your already complicated situation and you will have something in your heart that won't feel good.

This man of interest...would he pick up your life as his and love you and your son, take care of the bills, household, everything you built ? Maybe 1 in a million chance. For now think of this other guy as someone who has his own bundle of problems that you don't know about.

Men can be very charming when they are attracted and then when they get what they want, they move on. This can hurt you further and make you feel more pain than you are already in...it will hurt your son and most definitely your husband. Please don't go there.

Its another test.

Look deep within and find out if you really want to be with your husband. Please do not see another man unless you are officially divorced and in a better emotional state. I'm talking to you as if I were talking to a friend so I hope you are ok with that. No one is perfect and there will always be temptation.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you all so much for your wonderful words and as always I hope that others will fine them of use too.

I have to stress that I have never looked at another guy in 20 years and did not go out with the intention either. I am doing what I can this end and have said to hubby that I need some sparkle back.

I have never wanted to put pressure on him and have taken to burden of everything really for these past years.... But I am scared as I cant go on ..... I look at him and dont know him. And the person he becomes I dont like at all.

I know it sounds terrible and I imagine I am sadly not the only one to feel this with a partner with PTSD....

I know I cant turn back the clock - we all wish we could.....

I have to be honest and I have made a connection with this guy.... I am shocked as I just never would have thought this would happen...... I am continuing supporting and being there for my husband and hope and pray that we can get a better life for us especially as the court case is moving to the end too.......

Thanks again and as always I welcome any other thoughts or experiences...

Sunshine x

 

[AZ_Desert_Rose]

Dearest Sunshine,

I have a lump in my throat as likely many before you have. Have we not had that chance look into a man's eyes and "connected"? Or dreamed that our hubbies would wake up in the morning with a smile, a hug and a cheerful "Good morning!" as they woke from the frozen state they've been in and once again assumed some of the responsibility that has fallen upon us? Of course we have! And... We've chosen to look away and not linger in the look, told ourselves the truth, that our hubbies healing will be slow, with not much to give us, and unable to be the strongholds they once were.

Will you love and honor...? Love is a choice. Feelings are fleeting in the grand scheme of things. For richer or for poorer. In sickness and in health. How easily we eagerly and readily agreed! Naive. Trusting. Not really giving sickness and poorer much thought. Character and maturity are wrought by such times as these. It is but one of many forks in the road that you will meet. Your son is watching. What is the message he will read from your choice? Is marriage disposable and people to be discarded when they are unable to fulfill their side of the bargain? What if there was no hint of the troubles they would have from childhood trauma or undeserved accident? What if the tables were turned, and you didn't even have the energy to get up from bed?

Part for a time, if you must. Gather strength and energy and heal. Gather family or female friends into your inside circle that you can confide in/scream at/cry with. Tell them of your struggles with lonely days and lonelier nights.

And most of all, be true. Be true to yourself. The result of the lie is much harder to live with when all is said and done.

Praying for you. Be strong.

((Hugs!))

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you AZ Desert Rose and to everyone on here who has taken the time to respond..... Your replies are amazing as are the people I know you are too....

I had a wonderful day today... a day out of work and just with my son - the sun was shining we enjoyed some lovely food, went on a barge in London , to the park....

No moaning, arguing or stress - on the train coming home I looked at my photos on my phone .... All of my son - times where over the past 6 months I have had the strength to take him out... not letting him miss out as I am scared to leave hubby at home.

The few times where there are photos with hubby too.... I remember the stress and the arguing .... Is this good for my son? I fear that this is effecting him negatively....

There has been so much and I crave a "normal" life again....

Thank you so much... I really am confused... I would NEVER want to hurt anyone and especially my husband - I just hope that I am not hanging on to false hope - I cant live like this forever.

I said to hubby I feel that he is drowning in the sea.... and I am here trying to help him stay afloat reaching out and holding him up.... but sometimes he doesnt want to swim or its too much .... but he is also dragging me under with him now....

How much strength have I got before we both go under...?

I have to see this guy again tomorrow as he will be an event that I am going to.

This is likely to be the last time I see him as if I did see him again it would not be a business related meeting and I know a line would have been crossed.....

With thanks and love to you all

Sunshine

 

[intothelight]

Sunshine,

I suffer from PTSD, and my illness has damaged my marriage. But...I am working on getting better and our relationship is getting better as we are both committed to it. Part of me is the same and yet I am different. But here is the operative....WE are working on it.

You do have a right to be happy as you are no less important than your husband is. To be tempted is not a bad thing; it just is a sign of a relationship in serious trouble. At this point, you need to decide is staying or going is best for you. You count too.

If it is over, then end it without the hurt of an affair. It would hurt you both in the long run.

Wishing you peace.

Debbie

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you Debbie for your honesty and reply - I do wish you all the very best and all the wonderful people on here.

Hubby says he is doing all what he can to get better.... I have done the best I can over these years - we all know what the symptoms of PTSD are and what we endure.

I am amazed and never thought I would look at anyone else.

I am scared as I dont know him anymore...... and although he says he loves me he says he hates himself and it breaks my heart.

I would not have an affair however to even have someone look at me in such a way has made me realise what I haven't had for many many years.

Hubby just getting through the day is all what he can manage at times and I know that the anti depressants are messing with his emotions and feelings.

To sit there and have a grown up conversation was wonderful. To feel attractive was wonderful and to have someone treat me for a change was appreciated. I laughed and enjoyed myself.

Nothing happened such as kiss etc...

And coming back to my reality .... son throwing a tantrum and screaming, hubbys nightmares, mood swings, feeling ill, dealing with companies as the direct debit has bounced again.... being overwhelmed by doing everything and tired of work....

I just dont like my life - maybe it isnt real - an hour chatting with a guy who is really funny, strong and an adult isnt real - but it made me happy - something I dont remember feeling for a very long time.....

I just wish it was with my hubby..... but it never is.

Thanks for being there.

Sunshine x

 

[anthony]

His loss sunshine, at the end of the day. You can only try so much, then you have to take care of you.