Relationship Tired Of Ptsd - Found Relief ...... But With Another Man - Pls Help

[Eleanor]

Nope, the last experience sounds like kind of a waste of time for counselling - you need some actual guidance and help dealing with stress and how to support your husband.

I'm glad you guys got away. Any chance you could do it again soon? Your son needs the time away - and even if it is just you and him, it would be good to give him the opportunity to be in a different context without electronic activities to help him branch out a bit. Maybe he could even bring a friend? I think you really need to start giving YOURSELF the life you'd like to have. (oops, note to self: give me life I want to have. :D) Vacationing is a skill - you have to practice to get good at it. It sounds like you guys are a little rusty.

Could you go out hiking? Or ride bikes? Is there a beach nearby? Clearly, your son needs to get out more, but YOU do too - and frankly the best treatment for depression is good diet and EXERCISE. Seriously, outperforms meds every time. By a long shot.

It sounds to me like your son is doing what his dad models? Is HE (son) in counseling? It has helped my L so much to have her t too - who is super and helps her work through her own anger and fears, and helps me understand too.

I'm worried you guys are in a "holding pattern" and can't shake the sense (sorry, cuz I may be totally wrong about this) that your husband hasn't really taken the bull by the horns and decided to get better despite going to therapy etc. (lots of sufferers on the forum point out that they really have to see it as just their problem, about THEM and decide to handle it before they get better...) It may take an ultimatum from you to really light a fire under him..

Here is the thing - I was the master of the relationship bail out for many years - I always had someone new lined up before ending the old one. And *I* didn't get any better - or find a better quality of partner until I did the work on me. When I ended my first marriage I spent about a year doing intense therapy and workshops (and a lot of yoga and meditation) to get in a better/different place to start a new relationship. Ok, I ended up with someone with PTSD - BUT he was 'in remission" when we met, and is a really really good man - when he's not in an episode and his hemoglobin is above 10.:meh:. And we are working on those things. And, finally, making some progress. But my point is this: If you are ready to give up on your husband, Give Up. Do it clean with no one in the wings. Don't muddy up the situation. You will have enough to handle taking care of your son, and helping him deal with you and his dad breaking up. If there is another guy - it will make it orders of magnitude more difficult. Really. Really.

I know you are lonely. I know this is a super bright spot. I KNOW how nice it is to feel alive after years of being dead. AND I know how the thing ends. And it never ends well. Better to take the bitter pill up front. If the new fellow is a good guy - as soon as he found out you were married - he'd have (gently, politely) told you to call him when the divorce is final. That is what good guys do. Good guys don't poach on other men's turf, and they don't take advantage of women in emotional turmoil and they respect women's abilities to manage their lives. Only the bad ones would pursue you now. You are a wonderful woman, and you are not yet available. The guy you deserve would respect you enough to let you work out your current life before asking you to start a new one.

 

[StrongHeart]

Sunshine, when we're in a relationship that is healthy, we are not attracted to others. I really believe that we are meant to be monogamous and mate for life. But when we are in an unhealthy relationship, we will gravitate towards someone who fills the spaces we have in ourselves in that relationship.

So if you're feeling unattractive and someone makes you feel attractive, you will gravitate toward that person because that space is being filled. If you're feeling unappreciated and someone steps in and makes you feel appreciated, you will move towards that person. It's human nature to move towards what we're missing in order to fill in that space.

My suggestion for you is to figure out what this other man is doing to fill in the empty spaces. Name those empty spaces and then see if your husband has it in him to fill them. Then, figure out for yourself just how important it is to you to have those spaces filled. Remember, the new guy is only capturing your interest because he's filling in the empty spaces you have at this point in time in your life. If those spaces weren't empty, you might not even be giving him the time of day.

 

[Toria]

That is SUCH a good way of putting it! :happy:

 

[SeekingSerenity]

And, as a rule, good guys don't pursue married women. EVER.

You said he didn't know you were married? Do you wear a wedding ring? Men notice that on a woman immediately. I'm a man. I do.

It's human nature to move towards what we're missing in order to fill in that space.

I know that feeling all too well too. But I also know that I can never fulfil that feeling with someone else. Not just because I made a promise before God to always be with my wife, but also because I love her, and we don't cheat on people we love. Never.

Amethist has given you absolutely wonderful advice, and I'd like to support it. Only YOU know if you can be with your husband for the rest of your life, only YOU can make that decision. But if you do decide to end it, don't walk into another relationship before this one is completely over, until the ink is dry on the divorce agreement.

Personally I think you need a break. Like Amethist said, try to get away and have some fun, just try to look after yourself for a bit. You cant be a good supporter if you are also broken.

 

[Trembling]

Dear Sunshine,
honestly I cannot give you any advice, as I did some wrong things in my life, I made mistakes and decisions which were absolutely out of the "normal".

Now I am married with my PTSD man and sometimes I wonder why we have to go through all of this.
One thing I can tell you, and I mainly learnt it in this forum, never, never forget who YOU are, and in your case you even have your boy, do good things for both of you as was suggested here already.

Treat yourself as THE woman again, which does not need to include another man, but if you cannot bare it anymore, if you need more to be happy and go through life with a smile on your face, at least once in a while, than it is you who has to decide.

It is not your fault if hubby feels bad, it is not up to you to live his life, he needs to take the responsibility for himself.

I know it is always easy to tell these things to others, but thank your for giving myself the opportunity to put this in writing, it is helping myself too.

Good luck!