Relationship Tired Of Ptsd - Found Relief ...... But With Another Man - Pls Help

[Sunshine71]

OMG thank you Anthony - I am choked to read your message.....

I dont think I know what is normal anymore.....

Hubby has just come back from the gym - he is putting on so much weight and has already had a heart attack (not even 40 at the time)

His arms are sunburnt and he forgot and sat in the steam room.

He called me panicking and said can I run him a cold bath - He does this when he seems to over heat inside. I though he was having a heart attack and thats why he needed to cool down.... I have been shaking with worry until he got home not knowing whats going on.

He has since told me to Fxxx off, bending over double, holding his head and punched the wall.

He said he is sorry but it is really bad, itchy and feels like ants biting him.

I know it must be annoying however surely this is too much - Its now 3 hours since I took our son to his kids club and I have got no work done at all.

I am sorry to you all and to my hubby too - I am just want a normal little life now and everyday there is something horrible to deal with.

Oh well must crack on.

Thanks and love sunshine

 

[Toria]

T

I just dont like my life - maybe it isnt real - an hour chatting with a guy who is really funny, strong and an adult isnt real - but it made me happy - something I dont remember feeling for a very long time.....

I just wish it was with my hubby..... but it never is.

Sunshine x

Oh Sunshine - this could have been me 18 months ago. Every bit of it.

I use music as my "therapy" and when I was feeling bad I kept listening to one song over and over - these are the lyrics:

And I want and I need​

Somehow to believe​

In the choice I made​

Am I better off this way​

I can hear the voice inside my head​

Saying you should be with me instead​

Every time I'm feeling down, I wonder​

What would it be like with you around​

So I, I made my way​

Cold and roaming in the wild​

I'm forever changed​

By someone I never knew​

Now I've, I've got a place​

I've got a husband and a child​

But I'll never forget​

What I've given up in you​

And I want, I need​

Somehow to believe​

In the choice I made​

Am I better off this way​

I can hear the voice inside my head​

Saying you should be with me instead​

Every time I'm feeling down, I wonder​

What would it be like with you around​

And I want, I need​

Somehow to believe​

In the choice I made​

Am I better off this way​

It summed up the way I felt at the time. I hope that you make the right decision for you. I know I made the right one for me - I found this Forum and I'm stronger than I ever have been. Not always happy - but I have my friends on here to prop me up and in turn I hope I can help prop others too.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you so much Toria - such meaningful words and words I need to read several times.

I spoke to my counsellor today and I helped. She knows all about what we are going through although to be honest it sounded like she was happy for me in a way.....

It all sounds so crazy I dont even know a great deal about this guy - what I do know I am drawn too however I will do anything silly....

After hubbys nightmare sunburn we have had a OK day - our son is back from his kids club so lets see how it pans out this evening.....

Please universe show me the way and please please help my hubby feel good....

Sunshine

 

[amethist]

Hi Sunshine

Much as I said before that you should choose wisely, I did not mean that you should not choose for yourself.

Some can make it through the rough patches some can't. If you have had enough and can't take anymore, then no one here should say anything against you looking for a better life for you and your son.

We all know how hard it is being a supporter, we all know that we loose so much of who they were too.

There may come a time when your husband is so much better than he is now, if you can wait then good, if you can't, then maybe put a time to reevaluate your life. 6 months this time next year, it up to you.

Just remember if you decide you cant take anymore, to put some time between this relationship and the next. jumping from one to the other wont help you close this one down.

Do whats best for you and your son after you have had a long hard look at everything.

Amethist

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks Amethist....

I really appreciate this and hope life is treating you well....

To be honest I have only had 1 boyfriend before hubby and we have been together over 20 years so I really have no clue as to the 'protocol' or what to do!!

I hope and pray as we all do that hubby will get better...... I wont be doing anything silly mainly for fear of making hubby feel terrible and also as I am a really nice person!!!!

Today I am just cracking on as hubby has gone to his office space.... although last night hubby freaked out badly because of his sunburn and even had to take a lorazapan :O( :O(

I haven't heard from the guy so who knows perhaps it wasnt as I thought and that could be a good thing....

Yours, confused,

Sunshine xx

 

[myvetswife]

I was in a similiar situation a couple of years ago.

Hubby terrible, really agressiv and so on. Did see he had a problem. Then an old friend contacted me. I went to visit him to get out of the house. And he was there for me. Telling me so many nice things.

I could not stand the relationship with my hubby anymore and I splitt up with him. We still lived together. One day he realy feaked out and I had to save his live. The police came and took him in a clinic as an inpatiend. I could not do anything realy. That bloke was there for me. I still kept in contact with my hubby. Not that often but still kept contact.

After 3 month I realised he saw that he has a problem. And I fell back in love with him. We got together again. And me knowing what is up with him helped a lot to. Next year we will be married 20 years. And it was worth giving it another try. But my hubby said if I would not have left him, he probably wouldn't have done so much for himself.

I dont say splitt up with him ok?! I just wanted to share my storie to you, so you see that things like that happen (God do you's understand my horrible english?)

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks so much for your amazing story Myvetswife and your English is FINE!

I do hope everything is working out for you.

My hubby took pills upstairs with him last night - Just becuase he went over drawn and was charged £70 - I know I didnt help but I said I cant cant take on his new business bank account too - I have to check our personal accounts about 5 times a day incase a Direct Debit comes out - We are up to our overdaft limits.

We manged to have a good chat and he calmed down..... It was horrible - he said he just cant deal with life and wants to end it all....

And...

I have had to contact the other guy for work reasons..... 2 emails (yesterday and the day before) and he hasnt replied....

I thought what a waste of time - he must have just been leading me on.... I thought I will be the adult and take the bull by the horns... and called him. It went to voicemail.

When I emailed him before and texted too he replied straight away.

So all I can think is that he has wasted my time.... maybe he is a liar and married himself - I have no clue.

I feel now he hasnt been emailing etc I am out of this 'spell' - however it has shown me what fun is again and what I dont have with hubby....

As much as I want to support hubby I wish I could say it is because I love him and not because as I fear - that I simply feel I have too :O(

Thanks for being there and thank you again for your wonderful messages....

Sunshine xxxxxx

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Sunshine. It is such a relief to know you can still feel those feelings. Or at least it was to me when I hadn't had them for years. I think it was so brave and honest of you to tell him you wanted the sparkle back. I wouldn't worry too much about the other guy and where he is at - he did his job, reminding you of a bit of who you are and what you want and enjoy. So thank him for that and move along. If you decide to move out of your marriage, I am sure you will have no trouble finding a new guy.

My advice (worth what you paid for it!) Whatever you do, don't start a new relationship until you are done with the old. And the swimming rule applies here - you can't save someone else if you are drowning yourself.
As I recall, your husband is on medication but not doing therapy - is that right? And (if I'm remembering right) you two are not really operating as a "team" working on his PTSD. Sorry if I am remembering wrong, its a bit late for me, but I wanted to respond. If I am remembering right, he could do more.

Are you taking care of yourself? How, exactly? Is your husband making efforts to take care of you? Or is he just being lumpish? The thing is, it is really really hard (even with PTSD) to be entirely/totally depressed and checked out all day every day if you are trying to help someone else. At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself if he is actually holding up his end of the deal? For me: My H and I have lived apart for a year or so now, and I can say that he has never stopped TRYING and WORKING to make things better. Not always the best approach or technique - but he had intention and followed it with action and that is the important bit. He's done horrible hurtful things, it has been confusing as hell - AND he is still making the effort. And that matters to me.

Might your husband need a "swift kick in the pants" to really grapple with his trauma and heal it? I don't mean to offend or be harsh - but it seems you guys have been in a holding pattern for a long time...

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks so much for your amazing reply Eleanor.....

Hubby has been having CBT and counselling for over 2 1/2 years and now wants the space to see whats what without it..

I says he is making an effort - everyday is a struggle and he wants to die.....

Just being here is such an effort....

This is when he is down - at the moment he is getting on with some work for someone. Just a little bit.

This morning something blew over and he threw the equipment down, he talks to me like shite and then now apolgises.

I am deserate for a break and suggested camping as we dont have the money to do much - I am worried incase we are all there with nothing to do - I said this to him and I hoped he would say We will have fun, there will be things to do - instead he says well dont go then.....

What am I hanging onto?

I am so tired??

The other guy texted me yesterday - he took my breath away with some of the things he said....

I cant talk to hubby - he flares up says he gets confused and doesnt know what to say.... He then tells me he wants to die - I just cant hear it anymore - I am dying too

OMG it is wonderful to feel wanted again. To feel attractive and have some grown up time - not running after my little son.

I didnt realsie what I didnt have until now.

I dont think I will ever get it from hubby. And I dont mean it in a selfish way - I have done everything and I am wiped out - and no nothing for me - just work work work

I have done the best I could working as a team - I have cried out to everyone for help in how to be better and no one can help me - other than this amazing site....

I am not sure about the swift kick in the pants - he just cant get the images out of his head and I am concerned that the medication isnt helping either....

Oh dear likeminded friends on here - I wish you all the best as we all contiue on this difficult journey.

Love Sunshine

PS THANKS again Eleanor xxxxxxxx

 

[Toria]

What about counceling for you Sunshine? Certainly if your husband is threatening / contemplating suicide then his doctors should know - it sounds as if he's found out what's what without it and it ain't working!!!

I'm sorry - I don't know what his trauma is from - but might there be specialist help out there?

 

[Eleanor]

Sunshine, you are in such a vulnerable place - I really really feel for you, and am kind of scared for you too. It is so so easy to do things because of how they feel - even if it is a stupid and overall harmful thing to do. And I am a "push the envelope" kind of person, so I am probably projecting here - but please please please don't take any risks. If I were you (and I was a number of years ago with my ex) I'd adopt "Orthodox Jewish Woman" rules and never ever be alone with him - and minimize any electronic contact. It is just ALWAYS worse to start something new before being finished with the old. And, as a rule, good guys don't pursue married women. EVER.

I so know the TIRED - bone marrow deep, spirit sucking exhaustion. And the constant anxiety on top of it. The stomach twisting fear. It is an awful awful way to live.

Ok, I'm back on the same page again. CBT and counseling work and help people recover - BUT ONLY WHEN the person puts everything into PRACTICE diligently. Just going to appointments won't do it. Has he done EMDR? That (and really really heavy meds) is the only thing that really helps with the compulsive mental images/flashbacks as I understand it. Is he actually taking the anti-depressants? (I know this sounds paranoid - but "non-compliance" is the number one reason anti-depressants don't work.) Has he told his Psych that they are not working? Or else, in a much darker vein, he is manipulating you by threatening suicide. He might also be both, genuinely depressed and suicidal AND manipulating you with it. I am just throwing stuff out there in case any of these things hadn't occurred to you, not trying to diagnose (which I am wholly unqualified to do in any case) remotely. Sometimes people just "go through the motions" in therapy too, you know...:(. Why did he go?

Go camping without him. Take your son. "We are going to have a mother-son wilderness weekend! We never have time just the two of us to have an adventure. If you want to take him next weekend, you can do that." Have a good time. Model having a nice life. If you are worried about your husband committing suicide while you are away, get him hospitalized before you go. Seriously.

Here is the bottom line - you are not responsible for his mental health - or even his survival. Of course if he tries to kill himself, and you are around you will respond and try to save him - BUT if he tries and succeeds while you are away - that is on him. If you think he is at real risk for suicide you need to have him hospitalized - the holding pattern at home is not helpful to him and is very very destructive to you. This is not something that can be healthily adapted to or lived with - for him, you, and ESPECIALLY for your son. Apologies that come without plans for improvement that are effective and implemented are not really apologies in my book.

I don't know if he will get better or not. I surely, for his sake, your son's and yours, I truly and genuinely hope he does. But whether he does or not you have to care for yourself and your son. And if the best course is to divorce him, that is what you need to do. I don't know what you can or should do - but I can give you permission to leave him if that is what will save you. You don't need to drown with him.

It may also be that he is just not up to being a contributing participant any kind of a relationship, in which case hospitalization or living apart really are the best options. :cry:

I am so so sorry you are living through this Sunshine. (((((((((Sunshine)))))))))

 

[Sunshine71]

WOW thanks so much Eleanor....

Your reply is amazing and I am very grateful. I do send you hugs too.

We did all go away and it was tough - there were some good parts and hubby stressed too - I asked if I could just have some time out and enjoy being away from work - It was only for 3 days....

My son seems to only be happy when watching cartoons or playing the playstation and I want him to enjoy other things too!! Its healthy!! He just sulks and throws woblers when he isnt getting his own way - and his own way is just watching cartoons or playing the playstation - he is only 6 :O(

And ....

I asked the 'other' guy what he wanted.....

He said just to get to know each other better.....

He doesnt know anything of hubby with PTSD - he just knows that things are 'difficult' and that I havent even looked at another guy for 20 years +

He also said that he wouldnt have asked to see me if he knew I was married. Howver he does now of course.

And thanks too Toria - I had some counselling 2 years ago for about 10 months - she made me work however I feel didnt provide any answers. I have been seeing someone on the NHS - I was allowed 6 sessions - it was just like going to see a friend and just talk - I am not sure if that is right for counselling?

This has ended although I will apply again.

Hubby says he loves us.

He says that he is just worn out and everyday is a struggle.

I crave a more 'normal' life - just one where we hold hands and enjoy life as a family.

Thanks SO MUCH again Eleanor.

Love Sunshine