Knowing One Day Will Be My Last

[Over the rainbow]

I see him everywhere, not really his physical presence but a car like his, a voice like his, a laugh, a song- my daughters eyes- they are his.
My heart races every time I think "it's really him, he has found us!"
A sound in the night, a honking horn, a bang, a dog barking- I never wanted to let him succeed in killing me- but he does, everyday I am haunted by him. I hate myself for letting him win!
It is a certainty he will find me, so here I am- alone- a knife lays near when I sleep, as I walk to my car I hold the baseball bat in my hand,all the while thinking to myself " if he has a gun, this bat won't matter.
7 years I fought the devil, I dare not say his name- never! So I named him the most evil name I know.
I used to be pretty, some would have even said hot, now its sweet pants, and t shirts. I don't want to attract any attention.
Life is grey, life? This isn't living, because I feel already dead, sometimes wish he would finish the job but then where would my beautiful daughter go?
It's her and I against the world, we are alone together.
God knows what would happen to her if I was gone. Would she go to him? I must keep alive so that never happens.
When will my fear end? When will I feel human again?

 

[sun seeker]

When will my fear end? When will I feel human again?

I don't know, but I applaud your courage. Thank you for these eloquent words. You have quite a gift for writing. I don't know the details of what happened to you, but I'm glad you got away. Hugs if you accept.

 

[Over the rainbow]

Thank you! Yes I accept. :hug:

 

[WillyKat]

You have a way with words. You've conveyed the hurt eloquently.

I think my reply to you is that you *are* human. Everything you feel is normal: fear, anger, adrenaline when you think about the possibility of him harming your daughter. You yearn to feel human though.

I suggest you read (if you haven't already) Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. In it, one of the first aspects of recovery (though its not really all that linear) is physical safety. From your post, it's clear you don't feel that yet. So to get to the point where you feel human, you need to prioritize your physical safety.

Knife, baseball bat. Well, OK. I would suggest pepper spray. It's not lethal like either of your other weapons are, so the possibility of hesitation to use it will be mitigated. Both of your anti-zombie weapons are deadly ones and you might hesitate to use them. Hell, so might I. Self-defense class: teaches confidence in your physical abilities to defend yourself, and it will go deeply into your head and give you a tiny part of that feeling you're after.

Keep in mind that there's no more dangerous animal on earth than a species called mother.

 

[Over the rainbow]

Willykat
Thank you, I will read that. I will listen to any advice at this point, I'm totally alone in this.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

{;ease get the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker and books on stalking to advise you.

I can feel your weariness in your words and I feel so bad for you and your daughter.

 

[shimmerz]

Boy oh boy, do I know this feeling as you have described it. So difficult to describe to others (and ourselves) the constant scanning, constant preparedness for 'something, I don't know what'. I remember telling my first counselor (who I couldn't stand) that every corner I turned, every time I opened a door, every noise I heard all came back to him or his goons. She dismissed me quite well by saying 'well with that type of behaviour, when (yes, she said when) he does find you, the way you are responding you will have no energy left to protect yourself". Really? Is that the best you can do? lol.

I don't know if you have built a safety plan, if you have a domestic violence counselor, if he you are 'findable' or hidden. I know that I could never, not for an instant, 'take it easy'. I couldn't be offline for a second. My dreams had me sitting up at night, frozen stiff because I was certain I had heard the garage door, or the front door open, or saw him in the bedroom doorway.

Mine did go away eventually but it was hard work. It wasn't because he went away (he is still in town), but somehow it has taken on less importance.

 

[Over the rainbow]

Shimmerz
It sounds like your counselor got her counseling certificate from the corner drug store! I can't believe she said that.
Thank you for your post/ everyone's posts thank you.
I have been completely alone in this until now.
I'm glad your feeling better now, I sometimes wonder if I am ever going to get better.
I just don't know how to stop feeling the anxiety and fear constantly, and I mean non - stop. Even at work.

 

[shimmerz]

@Over the rainbow , I hope you can find some sort of support. A really great DV counselor came to my rescue. She is still my friend to this day. So yes, I am better somehow. I wouldn't let the a$$hole get the best of me although some days I thought I wasn't going to ever have peace again. It took some time but there are no more signs of this type of behaviour in me anymore even though I still live in the same town. Keep up the faith! Don't hesitate if you ever need something?