General Massive Anxiety Attack, Oh Goody

[Wastinglight]

Oh sh*t sh*t sh*t.

I haven't had an anxiety attack that was triggered by my pathological fear of being cheated on in a while, but I just spent a few hours with a friend of mine, and somehow hanging out with her triggered me.

We hung out together and it was fine, she didn't say anything 'wrong', but she did talk about her online dating adventures. Actually, maybe that was what triggered my anxiety attack - the fact that my guy still had a few online dating profiles up a few months ago, and I had to make a big deal of it before he took them down.

For some reason, as soon as I got home from hanging out with this friend, I felt the compulsion to check the online dating sites again. I wish I hadn't. I found a profile of his. It appears to be a very very old one - from about 8 years ago. At least, he has his age as 8 years younger, the photo is very old and the city is also 8 years old - he no longer lives there.

The everpresent Voice of Doubt in my head was quick to jump in and say "yeah, maybe that's what he wants you to think, but maybe he's having an online affair, and the out-of-date profile might be his 'excuse' if I was was to find it."

Or, of course, it could be that it actually IS a long-forgotten profile, and he may not know it's still up. That is the most rational explanation. But when my anxiety is in full swing, rational thought is out the window...

Either way, I really really wish I hadn't looked for it, cos now I know of it's existence, I don't think I can ignore it. I have to ask him to take it down. I can't live with it being up on the net. How the hell am I going to bring that up though? He will know that I'm actively searching for profiles of his if I mention it. Goddamn it. I am such an idiot. I thought I was finally moving past my trust issues, but one moment of panic has put me back at square one. I have no way of knowing whether he is still using this dating site or not.

It's like my relationship with my guy is too good to be true, and so my anxiety-riddled brain has therefore concluded that it IS too good to be true, and has proceeded to find a way to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy, presumably so I can run away and be safe and alone again.

I know this post has absolutely nothing to do with PTSD but I had nowhere else to get all this crap out of my head, so I can start making sense of it.

Any comments, advice, vigorous-virtual-shaking-of-my-shoulders, etc. welcome.

 

[Friday]

What risk do you run in asking him to take it down?
What risk do you run in not asking him to take it down?

 

[Wastinglight]

Good questions, @FridayJones

The most likely scenarios?....

Option A: I ask him to take it down, and run the risk of him knowing that I've been actively searching for any online dating profiles and will conclude that I don't trust him (Footnote: I actually DO trust him - when I'm thinking rationally. When I'm having an anxiety attack however, all bets are off and my Anxiety Brain convinces me that I don't trust anything or anybody). Plus he will think I am a Crazy Person (although I have repeatedly tried to warn him that I'm a bit of a lunatic at times. Like now, for instance. So far he hasn't run away). There is a good chance that it will erode his trust in ME. Worst case scenario: It could mean the end of the relationship.

Option B: Based on my previous track record with this sort of stuff, I will try to keep my mouth shut and (unsuccessfully) try to forget about it, until one day I can't take it anymore and I just blurt it out anyway. Or it eats away at me until I decide that I really actually DON'T trust him anymore, and end it. Worst case scenario: It could mean the end of the relationship.

I just had a long talk with my very rational and well-adjusted, not anxiety-ridden sister, and she says I am talking crazy and I should just let it go.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

Ask and you'll find out... Don't ask , and you'll kill yourself wondering.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

Good questions, @FridayJones

I just had a long talk with my very rational and well-adjusted, not anxiety-ridden sister, and she says I am talking crazy and I should just let it go.

Sometimes people who don't understand the compulsion and knock on effects of these things will tell you"oh just let it go"... It's like saying to someone with depression , "oh just cheer up"... Might be good advice, means nothing though and it certainly doesn't solve the problem. It's almost a form of avoidance.

 

[Wastinglight]

Might be good advice, means nothing though and it certainly doesn't solve the problem. It's almost a form of avoidance.

Yes, good point. I am resigned to bringing it up at some point. The way my brain works, I can't see a way around it.

I'm afraid though. I'm afraid that it will harm the relationship, because let's face it, I've effectively cyber-stalked him. Which prompted my Rational Brain to ask the (rather pertinent) question: Are you sure you're recovered enough to be in a relationship right now?

But I'm even more afraid that my Anxiety Brain is right: what if he really IS up to no good behind my back? Then it will be a case of Anxiety Brain 1: Rational Brain 0. I'm terrified of that possibility, because it may have the effect of further entrenching these negative thought patterns. And I have read many posts from supporters on this very forum that report not-that-unsimilar dodgy behaviour on the part of their sufferers. Whether such behaviour is borne of PTSD or not is academic. The point is, people do all sorts of strange, shady, ill-advised stuff all the time. It doesn't matter to me why they do it. All I know is that, if they do it while they're in a relationship with me, I'm likely to lose my marbles.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

Ask yourself, if he was legit using this account, would he have an old city listed and have success claiming to be 8 years younger than he is?

If he was 'deceitful' wouldn't he do it under a different name and all.

Sounds like an old account to me.

 

[scout86]

If he really WERE trying to strike something up online, lying about his age might not be a problem but lying about where he lives? I mean, if he actually wanted to MEET someone in the real world, wouldn't that be a problem?

How aware is he of how you feel about this stuff and how well does he understand it?

I've been trying to think this through and I can't even come close to seeing it from your perspective. I've then been trying to imagine being in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me..... Well, I was and it didn't last long because I have problems with THAT. But here's what I decided about that. A person, such as myself, who values trust and being trusted and who is committed to being trustworthy, shouldn't BE in a relationship with someone who can't trust them. It's not healthy for either party. There was no way I could ever meet my SO's standards and he was always going to be looking for things I'd done "wrong". No peace for him. I, on the other hand, was going to be spending my life walking on egg shells, looking over my shoulder, and feeling hurt because I was trying as hard as I could and it would never be good enough. We needed to be in relationships with different people. HE is. He's now happily married. And I'm happily living by myself at the moment.

I guess where I'm going with this is, if a relationship is worth having, to me it needs to be based in honesty. So I think you should be as honest with him as you'd like him to be with you. If he understands your obsession, telling him the truth should be ok. If he doesn't understand if and can't live with it, that's a different problem, but it's still a problem.

 

[darrenS]

i personally think it has everything to do with PTSD (rejection, abandonment, trust) , i share the same fear after having a relationship for a long time with an older woman who was basically a serial cheater. I firstly would stop stressing about it , so you can develop a healthy plan to address it. I would also fight the urge to research your partners movements behind their back, its a slippery slope.

You battle with guilt and fear whilst doing it and then if you find anything that could be questioned , you have no clear way to address it, so in essence it creates a living hell. I have been guilty of the similar actions.

How i overcame it was to think of the good my partner was doing for me, if at any time i felt the urge to spy, i would look at myself and honestly look at the reasons "why i felt so insecure".

There is no easy way to approach it other than be frank and honest with your partner, tell him what has happened. You cant demand he take it down and you have to take responsibility for your actions, anything less and it will continue to bite you.

I understand how your trying to rationalize it, but in all reality it is your problem, and if its that strong , then maybe your not ready for a relationship just yet. You also have to learn not to put all your value into the relationship , but back into yourself. If you have been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour , i can tell you it is soul destroying and causes you to think about every move you make as you feel your being watched continuously.

I would simply own up to it and also be prepared for any reactions , your partner may get frustrated , may get angry, may walk out ...who knows. But at the end of the day it will be his choice as to what action he will take , you have no control over that, but what you do have control over is dealing with it. we do these things by choice, we make a decision and we go ahead and do it, its not like we are unconscious and black out , then proceed to do it, we make a decision to spy and its at that very point where we can change it, by simply deciding , regardless of our fear to not do it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@darrenS

You're in the supporter forum so no, this has nothing to do with PTSD and everything to do with the inability of the supporter to trust! In fact, we can take the PTSD factor out of the equation completely because it is not PTSD related. So in a normal relationship with no PTSD? Spying on your partner is UNACCEPTABLE and yes, it can indeed cause major problems, even the destruction of the whole relationship.

I am like @scout86 in that I cannot see things from the OPs perspective. If a partner didn't trust me and spied on me, it would be OVER. The trust is either there or it isn't. There is no building it back up once its gone because it will never, ever be the same.

Saying that she should confront her partner IS indeed putting the issue on him when she needs to "fix" her anxiety herself. Uhm, yes, please research anxiety. Its like saying other people have to do XYZ in order to make you feel better. Nope, nope, nope, anxiety doesn't work that way! You MUST relieve it by yourself, within yourself and NOT make everyone else change. (This is like Psych 101...) In fact, I've been through some of the best trauma treatment and we were ALWAYS taught to fix the anxiety ourselves using what is between our own to ears because THAT is the ONLY thing on the face of this planet that we can control. So yeah, today you confront your partner and he takes the profile down, but that does nothing for your trust issues.....tomorrow you'll talk to a new friend of his, this friend will say something different, and your mind will freak out yet again......when does this stop? Oh, ya, when you fix the anxiety in your mind. Changing the world, even trying to change your partner will do nothing.

I think you need some CBT, OP.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

I'm lost, has the OP been through therapy and ruled out having PTSD ?

 

[Sighs]

@AlmostFellForIt - the OP is the supporter - her man has PTSD. She has an anxiety disorder for which I'm pretty sure she is in treatment.