General Massive Anxiety Attack, Oh Goody

[AlmostFellForIt]

Makes

@AlmostFellForIt - the OP is the supporter - her man has PTSD. She has an anxiety disorder for which I'm pretty sure she is in treatment.

Thanks.. Makes sense now.Not to hijack but I understand PTSD is considered an anxiety disorder right? So how common are anxiety disorders not related to trauma? Would this be like someone having a chemical imbalance or specific fear?

 

[darrenS]

i see the ptsd police are in full swing today

 

[darrenS]

@Solara , where in my post did i put the blame on her ?? secondly who made you the expert , l like a lot of people here get tired of your attacks and minimizing peoples issues because they don't fit your limited sphere of ptsd knowledge. I suggest you reread the post with an open mind , not one looking to define ptsd to your understanding -

 

[Wastinglight]

Thank you all for your perspectives, @Solara @darrenS, @scout86 @AlmostFellForIt. I really appreciate them, and agree with pretty much everything that has been said.

I have thought long and hard about this. First of all, I take responsibility for snooping. It's not great that I've done that, and I wish I hadn't. But now that I've found this profile, I need to deal with the implications of it still being up.

And if it was simply a case of him having an old profile up on a normal dating website, I would simply mention it to him and ask (not demand) that he take it down, for the reasons I have previously stated to him (by the way, this is the third dating profile of his I have found since we've been in a relationship. He took the other two down, but only after I made a big deal of it - so there is a reason for my hesitation to trust on this matter - well, that and the fact that I've been burnt before).

But, there are some additional problems that I didn't mention in my original post, namely:

1. This doesn't seem to be a normal, reputable dating website. It looks suspiciously like a site for casual sex hookups. And it seems he was (or is) very active on this website. His profile said he has 106 "friends", one of whom was a woman who felt it was appropriate to post a photo of her naked boobs as her profile picture.
2. His profile states he is looking for a "pen pal" OR someone to have "no strings attached fun" with. He has led me to believe that he has never been the kind of guy who has been interested in having casual sex or the like. He has always told me he was a "relationship guy", and didn't have time for "meaningless hookups". This webpage throws that statement into doubt. So okay, I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he's put his past behind him. I could probably get past that, but....
3. Now I am genuinely concerned that he has had casual sex with multiple partners. Not a hanging offence in itself, but when you consider that he's not a big fan of condoms.... now this becomes an issue that I have a right to know the details of. What if he's had casual unprotected sex with multiple partners? Should I be getting myself tested for STDs?
4. The fact that he lists his location as another town suggests that, even if he's still active on the website, he's probably not meeting up with anyone in person. However, that doesn't mean he isn't happily sexting away with god-knows-who, the moment I walk out the door each day. Which in my book constitutes cheating. Plain and simple.
5. Plus, it would be naive of me to think that I've now found all his online dating profiles. I'm starting to wonder whether he used to spend all day chatting up girls online before he met me....

I have decided to bring this up with him. It might be the conversation that ends the relationship but I feel that I have a right to know what's going on here. I am going to try to be calm and kind, and give him the opportunity to put forward his side of the story. Maybe it's not as bad as I fear it is.

P.S. Yes, I absolutely have massive trust issues, and I am trying to work through them. I start EMDR in a couple of weeks. But I now feel that the issue has gone well past the original problem of my anxiety (and snooping). I can't ignore this.

 

[Wastinglight]

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is, if I'm going to be in a committed relationship with someone, I need to know who they are. Because right now, it feels like he's not who I thought he was...

Any further comments appreciated. I need a reality check before I go ahead with this. I thought I had another night to think about this, but he's asked me to stay over tonight.

 

[Wastinglight]

Okay, lightbulb moment.

I've just realised that 8 years ago was around the time he first started experiencing the symptoms of PTSD. He wasn't diagnosed straightaway, I'm not sure how much time passed between his symptoms emerging, and him getting the correct diagnosis, but he would have been either undiagnosed or living with a recent diagnosis of PTSD at the time he created the profile on this website. And he was single at the time. Suddenly everything makes a lot more sense. Because the person I know now is a world away from the person who wrote that profile.

So maybe that may have had some influence on his behaviour during this time?

Or am I clutching at straws here? PTSD doesn't change who you are fundamentally as a person, after all. Or does it?

Or maybe he was just a bit of a root rat when he was younger.

I still feel like I should bring this up with him, but I think I might have to be careful when and how I raise it. Maybe he won't want to discuss it at all, it might bring up memories and issues that he doesn't want to share with me. Or maybe I shouldn't bring it up at all. Argggh! This is doing my head in! Curiosity killed the cat, eh? More thinking to be done. Am I getting all worked up about nothing here?

Opinions?

 

[scout86]

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is, if I'm going to be in a committed relationship with someone, I need to know who they are. Because right now, it feels like he's not who I thought he was...

I totally, 100% agree with this. It's very important, IMO.

So maybe that may have had some influence on his behaviour during this time?

Absolutely!

Does PTSD change who you fundamentally are as a person? Good question! I'd like to say "No" but I'm not sure that's really true. But, do I think it would turn an honest person into a liar? No. It might make it harder to trust, it might make someone less able to accurately assess a situation, but it wouldn't turn an otherwise honorable person into a skunk, I don't think. You have some really good insights in those last couple posts you made. Like you said, think about how you want to bring it up. Maybe from the standpoint of trying to understand rather than making accusations. I think you're doing a pretty good job of thinking this through.

 

[Wastinglight]

think about how you want to bring it up. Maybe from the standpoint of trying to understand rather than making accusations

Thanks for your advice on this, and this is my plan @scout86.

Now that I've ratcheted down my anxiety a few notches, and stopped awfulising, I've been able to consider the situation from a more objective point of view. And I've remembered a few salient pieces of information that suggest that it's probably not anywhere near as bad as I first feared.

Firstly, he has actually told me in the past that he had a number of dating profiles up, and he spent a lot of time talking to girls who were also in a bad place, and ended up becoming friends with one of them, and they hung out together for a while. There is, of course, the possibility that this is the PG-rated version of the story, but it still doesn't mean he was a skunk, necessarily.

BUT, now that I've really thought about it, there are a couple of indications that make me pretty darn certain that he hasn't spent all that much time sleeping around. I'm not going to spell that out on this forum, but hopefully you take my meaning.

And, if I'm completely honest with myself.... I consider myself to be a Relationship Girl, through and through, and this is the image of myself that I have presented to my guy. However, when my last relationship broke up, even I set out to have a few one-night-stands with guys. Admittedly, I ended up dating those guys, so they didn't turn out to be one-night-stands after all. But my original intention was definitely for a wham-bam-thank-you-mister.

I DO think that he probably did spend a lot of time on this and other dating websites in the past. In fact, he still spends a lot of time chatting with people online - only these days, he seems to spend most of his time on forums related to his favourite hobby. His preferred method of communication with people (including me a lot of time) is via chat, text or email. So ya, I imagine that there was probably some sexting going on there, but on reflection, I'm pretty sure he hasn't spent all that much time in the bedroom.

Oh, and to clear up some earlier confusion in this thread:

the OP is the supporter - her man has PTSD

Correct.

I think you need some CBT, OP

I have been practicing CBT for a number of years now. One of my main strategies is to resist the urge to have a knee-jerk reaction, and instead, sit with the problem for a few days, consider all the possibilities, talk to a few trusted confidants (that would be you guys), and THEN take appropriate action. In other words: respond, but don't react. I DO tend to think of the worst case scenario first, and then work back from there.

So, in a way, I would say that my CBT strategies have worked quite well in this instance. In the past, I would have immediately raised this issue with my partner in a confrontational manner, made all kinds of horrible accusations, and would have made quite a mess of things.

The snooping thing is something I definitely have to work on. I've gotten a lot better, but it's a case of two-steps-forward, one-step-back for me. And my slip-ups in this regard are always directly correlated with the occurrence of severe anxiety attacks. I'm not excusing my behaviour, I realise that it's self-destructive, and may even cause a lot of damage to what might be an otherwise perfectly good relationship.

I do have severe trust issues, and I have spoken to my partner about it. He said he does understand my obsessive behaviour to some extent, because he has trust issues after being cheated on in the past too. I have gone to a lot of effort to try to explain to him that I become irrational when I have an anxiety attack, so he is aware that I'm like this.

PTSD (rejection, abandonment, trust) , i share the same fear after having a relationship for a long time with an older woman who was basically a serial cheater

Yes, this is what happened to me too. Several of my past therapists have told me that I definitely suffered trauma. But I don't have PTSD per se.

I am really hoping that EMDR will help. One of my therapists has told me he thinks that my trauma goes right back to being bullied repeatedly throughout my school years, so my trust issues go back to when I was a kid. I don't think it will be a quick fix. I am hoping that I can keep my relationship afloat while I work through this.

 

[scout86]

So, in a way, I would say that my CBT strategies have worked quite well in this instance

I think so too and I just wanted to say that. I'm really pretty impressed.

Stuff like our knee jerk, automatic reactions to things are hard to eliminate. I'd like to think it can be done, but it's hard. Learning to slow down and THINK before reacting is maybe even more important. As far as your relationship surviving? If you're half as willing to work on stuff as you seem to be, he'd be crazy not to work on things with you. JMO, but there you go. (I still wish we had a "high 5" emoticon!)

 

[Wastinglight]

As far as your relationship surviving? If you're half as willing to work on stuff as you seem to be, he'd be crazy not to work on things with you. JMO, but there you go. (I still wish we had a "high 5" emoticon!)

NAWWWW! Thanks for the validation @scout86. It means a lot. I know I still have a long way to go, but when I think of how badly I have managed situations in the past, I realise that I really have come a long way already.

 

[Wastinglight]

Still haven't brought this up with him. I thought about it all weekend, but I'm worried that now is a bad time to broach the subject. He told me last week that he felt he was at breaking point - not because of anything I've done, but due to other stuff going on with him at the moment. He seems to be doing better this week, but I know from past experience that just because he looks like he's doing okay, doesn't mean he is. There are a couple of clues that have got me thinking that maybe things aren't that great for him at the moment. There's probably never a good time to raise this kind of issue, but because it's not really an urgent thing, I keep putting it off. I don't feel like I can let it go though, even though there is a risk of creating a rift between us. The discovery of this webpage has raised questions that I need to have answered.

Ugh! So hard to know what to do, when I'm not even certain that this is a big deal or not :rolleyes:

 

[scout86]

Difficult situation! I think it's pretty cool that you're thinking of him and how he's doing, all the while you're also worried about what you found. Does he look at for you and consider your feelings the same way? If so, it sounds like a relationship to be jealous of! How about it you ask a more general question, like "Is everything ok with 'us', as far as you're concerned? Are there things you think we need to be working on?" What ever fits. That way you can get a feel for whether or not your concerns are based in reality without making anything that might sound like an accusation.