Relationship Is It Too Much To Ask For An Apology?

[Peach]

@The Albatross Thank you. I don't call him names too terribly often, but I will do my best to be aware of his reactions to make sure he isn't growing tired or insulted by them. So far so good. He laughs and argues about if an adult can be a brat...he seems to think it's suitable only for kids. It certainly isn't. LOL Or he want's me to clearly define some of the more creative names and put them in order of severity.

Truthfully, I suspect that he likes that I am completely upfront with him about what is going through my head - to the point of TMI about my gyno appointment or whatever. There are no mind games and I know his exwife was very manipulative, vindictive, and controlling, so it's probably a relief. What you see is what you get.

 

[Sighs]

@Wastinglight - I'm not religious, but it calls to mind the serenity prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Personally, I've talked calmly about it, I've ranted and raved, and cried and thought about leaving and told him if he continues to do it I won't help in future etc etc. He dissociates when he's stressed. I now think of it like Tourette's. Am I always able to 'water off a duck's back' it? No. But I've accepted it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Yes, its unpleasant for me, but no amount of talking or 'setting boundaries' is going to prevent it. So I either remove myself until he has calmed down or clench my jaw and get on with the job at hand.

I guess deep down I know this is true... It's been my standard for awhile. Let it all roll off, and when he gets to be too shitty, just leave him to cool off for awhile... repeat as needed. I've been getting it in a double dose lately, so it is rubbing me a little raw right now. It's easier to let a stream trickle off than a river.

 

[Sighs]

@Sweetpea76 - :hug:.

It's easier to let a stream trickle off than a river.

And some days when you're already cold and wet even a stream is too much. You're human too.

 

[Peach]

SERENITY NOW!!!

 

[Wastinglight]

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I totally get that. And I try to take that approach too. There's also something to be said for "picking your battles"!

But the reality is, for me at least, that even when I achieve serenity, it has a habit of "wearing off" after a while, if nothing changes. For me, it's been more than 4 months since my guy entered a "bad patch." For a short time at the start of the year, he was "himself" - loving and affectionate and we went out into the world together and socialised and we fooled around and held hands walking down the street and he even started talking about the possibility to going back to work. Then gradually he got worse and worse, and the worst of it is, I can't help but wonder what part I might have played in this happening.

I am hoping that this bad patch will end soon, because after 4+ months of hard slog, other people are starting to notice the change in me - I cannot manage stress at work at easily as I once did, I am less tolerant, less friendly, more introverted, more angry. I know that I will continue to try for him, as long as I can, but if nothing changes, there will come a day where my brain says "enough"!

I have hope, because I know that there are a lot of stressors acting on him at the moment, and there are matters that I believe will be resolved in the near future. But I NEED to feel like he is at the very least listening to me. Any small gesture from him at this point would make a huge difference.

That's kind of what I mean. I hope that makes sense. Perhaps others experience it differently, but my point is, that we can only take so much, if nothing changes.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I just had to listen to a rant about how I am 90% of his problems, he is sick because of me, and he knew this shit would happen if he got involved with me. I just sat there and listened to him like some kind of pathetic dishrag. WTF

 

[Wastinglight]

he knew this shit would happen if he got involved with me

Yeah, I get that too: "You knew what you were signing up for!" he says. Oh no, I didn't!

It's funny how we just sit there and take it, isn't it?! Afterwards I always wonder how I've managed to train myself to be so bloody passive....

 

[Sighs]

:hug: @Sweetpea76 - that's awful. So sorry you are going through this. Time to ''give him some space' til he can play nice?

 

[Sweetpea76]

He is at his... he is just sending random salty texts.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He's being super condescending... discounting my life experiences. Evidently I don't know what the real world is like because I haven't been shot.

 

[Peach]

:hug: Sorry he's being like that. :sorry:

There must be something in the air! Several of our guys seems to be in even more of a mood than usual this past week or two.

I haven't complained about Tater cause so far he is playing nice, but that business with ATOS is getting to him in a big way. I just feel bad that he's drowning right now.:( I'm trying to keep him distracted with funny pics and random conversation. That does work to an extent, but the freakin company keeps calling him and dragging him back under.:mad:

There was something good to come from this. Before I knew he was struggling, I asked him last Friday if he wanted to skype on Saturday (it would have been 2 weeks since we had skyped last) and instead of getting mad and saying, "I told you only once a month (cause I'm being a stubborn bugger)" he said, "I'm not up for it right now. We'll see how it goes next week." This week doesn't bode well so far, but I definitely consider his response a good sign that he's maybe starting to get past his attempt to keep his I'm scared, don't let yourself get attached to her plan in effect. :D