Exaggerating Self Blame

[sun seeker]

I don't know if this is the right place to put this, or whether I can explain what is on my mind so it makes sense, but here goes:

I think I tend to exaggerate negative thoughts that come to mind about myself. Not even sure that this is the case. My therapist claims I do and that I am not nearly as bad a person as I think I am, and he has been right about other things (but not 100% - always the caveat).

Example: I'll be reading here on the forum and someone will describe someone in their life who is really bothering them, and immediately my mind goes to any tiny point that person may have in common with me and blows it up to reinforce the belief that I am exactly like that person and no one can stand to be around me. Especially if other people respond and agree that the person being described really is horrible and they should keep their distance. I feel like I have been exposed and everyone will know what a bad person I am and I should run and hide under the nearest rock.

Or, any negative trait I perceive in another person, I immediately try to eradicate in myself. I suppose that could sound character building, but it's exhausting.

Just writing this out I am seeing a few typical cognitive distortions, but even as I say that my mind twists and bends and tells me "yeah, but if you're drawing attention to this, it means you really are as bad as you think you are and you're just covering up."

Sigh. Is anyone else's self concept the minefield mine seems to be?

 

[Friday]

Everything that I believe is wrong with you, is wrong with me.
Everything I truly love, I love in you and I love in me.

-Indigo Girls : Hand Me Downs

<chuckling> There are more than a few times where that happens (people talking about negative traits) & Im like "Oh! That's me! I do that! Aaaaaaand here's why!" :p

Other times? I just DGAF. It's broken. I'll care later. Maybe.

And other times it guts me.

 

[sun seeker]

"Oh! That's me! I do that! Aaaaaaand here's why!"

So just because I'm curious, when you get into the "why" are you justifying or exploring with an open mind?

Other times? I just DGAF. It's broken. I'll care later. Maybe.

Wish I could do that!

 

[Friday]

So just because I'm curious, when you get into the "why" are you justifying or exploring with an open...

Probably some of both. Kicking knowledge is kind of a thing of mine. If I've got it? And it might be useful to someone else? And I'm not all f*ck the world (DGAF)? I usually share it.

 

[shimmerz]

If I didn't blame ourselves myself then I would have to blame someone else. That never worked out well for me when I was young, so the best target was me.

I was stupid, and idiot, not good enough, if only I would try harder, not skinny enough, not happy enough, not smart enough, didn't run fast enough, play ball well enough (get my drift?).

For me it was a cognitive distortion. Still is but is not as crippling an issue as it once was.

 

[DogwoodTree]

then I would have to blame someone else. That never worked out well for me when I was young,

Same here, at least, inside my own head. Outwardly, we could subtly insinuate that someone else was to blame, so long as it was someone who couldn't fight back. But even then, somehow it came back on me (I was the oldest, so it was my responsibility to take the heat for anything the others did out of their immaturity). And then I was responsible for handling my parents' difficult emotions and problems, too.

 

[sun seeker]

@FridayJones, to me from here, you are a great example of someone who doesn't do what I am trying to get at in the OP. At least when it comes to taking things personally and exaggerating them, which is what I'm doing. You seem to have a solid enough sense of who you are to not be swayed so easily. But, like I said, it looks like that from here, I can't say what it feels like to be you!

I was stupid, and idiot, not good enough, if only I would try harder, not skinny enough, not happy enough, not smart enough, didn't run fast enough, play ball well enough (get my drift?).

Right, yes. Not sure this is quite what I am saying though. Mine is more about character, not performance. One place it really gets to me consistently is when I see people calling other people manipulative. I am so hypersensitive to the idea that anyone could think of me that way that I immediately compare what that person is doing to what I do and put myself through whatever contortions are necessary so no one will ever feel I am manipulating them. Hide what I need, put myself through unnecessary pain, whatever I have to do so I know at least I am not that. Another place it gets me is if people are talking about their family dynamics. If they feel victimized by something someone in their family is doing, I immediately compare myself to that and check whether there is anything about me that could be construed that way, so I can either reassure myself or eradicate the trait. If someone is talking about how their parents messed them up, especially, I compare that to how I was as a mother (too late to do anything about it now) and land on anything I did that might have something in common with what they are talking about, and blow it up to take on mammoth proportions so it obscures any of the good I might have done, and ruminate on that incessantly.

I think it's about desperately needing to be approved of, so if it seems like a majority of people disapprove of some trait, I'll become hypervigilant about it to make sure I don't have it. So much so that it distorts whether I actually have it or not.

Certainly, I still blame myself because I might get hurt worse if I blame others. Not past tense, present. But that is a different phenomenon from what I was trying to get at.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes some of mine is founded, some might not be, but I'm too tired to fight it physically or emotionally anymore.

 

[shimmerz]

And is it about what YOU will think of yourself if you are manipulative (etc) or what will happen to you if others see you as such?

 

[sun seeker]

For me, they are one and the same.

 

[sun seeker]

(((Junebug))) you sound so tired. I'm sorry about that.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes shame guilt need no right failure ugh all the same.