Accepting Your Body?

[Hope4Now]

Part of my problem is that I hate my body. I always have. There are several issues. I don't feel like I was meant to be a woman. I have always felt really huge and fat even when I've been normal weight and I'm only 5'3". I've always felt big and ugly. And I have biggish depersonalization issues, so I don't usually "live" inside my body.

I know I need to find a way to feel safe and comfortable in my body if I am going to get better. It's the container for my parts. I'm stuck with it as long as I decide to stay alive.

Suggestions anyone from body dysmorphic/depersonalization land?

 

[Ronin]

Are there little bits that different parts would like? Something like reclaiming your body, by small pieces, by finding something parts individually like, or at least do for a time?

(E.g. because I'm not feeling very coherent - I like different hair colors than others of my group, in every case any time I'm having that particular color on, the hair is soo mine. Different color is soo their. And someone inside re-taught me to like my nails. I hated them, she adored the shape and was full of ideas how to get them better. My skin makes all of us sort of crawl, so that took collective effort to be reclaiming. Some parts of my body still don't exist on our collective bodyscheme too well, they're just, well, registered as There, not very connected to. It's alright for the time's sake because healing off it will take years. Things like that - map your body, in a way, find who can like what part, and leave out the rest, it's for later exploration when safer?)

 

[WildMermaid]

*warm :hug:* though I tower over you at 5'7" standing ;) @Hope4Now you are not alone in this. Body positivity is an on going struggle when that person inside has been beaten down and berated eventually he/she may just not want to get up anymore. I experience this regularly, especially after having been isolated away from peers (i.e.; fully grown women) for awhile. What are some things you DO like about your body? Even if you can just think of one thing right now, it will be a great start! Your body deserves to feel loved by you so be kind to it, to you. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sally-mcgraw/changing-your-body-image-monologue_b_4032444.html Also see what other bodies look like that are similar height and weight to your own. I love this website as it helped me identify my own "size" and realize that I do not see others in a negative judgmental light. It made me more aware of those cruel internal voices. http://www.mybodygallery.com

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I listened to Bessel Van Der Kolk talk on NPR a while back, and I found it enlightening and amazing what his take was on body reclaiming: he suggested that we (PTSD sufferers) can only reclaim through movement, i.e.. dance, yoga, cycling, etc.

I thought this was a nice shift from the "positive affirmation" approach that so many people have told me about (as I struggle so so so much with this as well). I like how it really is about reclaiming and ENJOYING our bodies, rather than just thinking that we are pretty or attractive.

Food for thought.

 

[Hope4Now]

@WildMermaid I liked the article a lot. Thanks. I will try this and see what happens. I usually just try to drown out the monologue.

Also see what other bodies look like that are similar height and weight to your own.

Argh...search returned no results. Guess I'm a Tigger...bouncy, trouncy...the only one :) :(

 

[WildMermaid]

@Hope4Now On the body website? Hmm, it has been problematic for me on safari but google search your height and weight and see what pops up.

@theshadowoftheliving I reclaim mine through cosmetic choices as well, tattoos, hair color, etc.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@WildMermaid This can be good, too. I do think, however, that we have to reclaim our bodies in terms of how they work as well, whether we are using them for sport or just for everyday living. But every one is different.

 

[watundah]

I agree with you, shadow. Hiking and biking or hitting the gym are helpful for being in the body and reduce anxiety at the same time. I'm 56 and still push myself at least 4 days a week as a way to stay grounded.

 

[Friday]

Not DID, so this may not relate. But since it may? Here's my piece.

Oddly, the TV series Dollhouse & book The Host have probably helped me the most. I despise this body when I start to forget the lessons I pulled from there. It's betrayed me, I betray it, and we both sort of sulk. Treating it as an entity other than myself... I'm just a visitor, a passenger, my body is not me... On the other hand changes matters. It's something I'm borrowing for a time. Then I can revel in it. Point A to Point B, and everything i can make myself do, feel, be; see, hear, touch, taste, smell... Hedonism. I can train it, sculpt it, shape it. I don't despise it the way I despise myself. (I also like myself, no problem feeling completely different ways at the same time, but it's the flat out self hatred that leaks over into hating everything about my body, as well). I don't need to hate my body, because it's not who I am. <chuckling> I still do hate my body a lot of the time, but I don't need to.

There was a time when I was my body. I asked it to do something and it responded without hesitation. We were one thing. Now, that's no longer good or useful, much less true. It's just a house for my spirit. But I also have custodianship of it. And I haven't been taking very good care of her. I'm trying to rectify that. I'm trying to also have patience. It took a good many years to damage it as much as I have. It will no longer respond as if I've been taking care if it for those years. It will take months and years to change. I'm thinking of it like restoring a house. There's wiring and plumbing, there's structural changes, there's cosmetic work, there's purpose & use, there are additions to build, there's furnishings & decorations. These alterations take time. But, as long as I have custodianship of it, I have the right to make the changes I want. Ownership, rather than renting, although I say visiting and borrowing. It may not be me, but it's mine. So what do I want it to be? And how can I get there?

 

[Hope4Now]

I so miss hiking and biking and swimming...used to be able to do all those things until the pain hit me 3 years ago. I can do a little sometimes, and it feels good when I do. Yoga too. But I'm never in my body when I'm doing it...unless it hurts...then I'm in my body but it is not a particularly healthy part that is there. And whether I'm in or out of my body, I still hate it. :yuck::yuck::yuck:.

hair color,

So maybe I SHOULD make good on my fantasy of cutting my hair short and spiky and making it blue on the ends. My children said they would disavow any relationship with me if I did that (LOL). I think they'd get over it. But it would cause a lot of waves in my social circle. And it would be totally unattractive on me, even though it would please several parts of me. Hmmm. Tried to convince my hairdresser to do it a couple of times, but he refused. Said it was not in my best interests. LOL.

Not DID

I don't know if I am or not. Sometimes I think yes, other times no. I will check out the show and book. Really, I'll take anything. I'm rather desperate.

Treating it as an entity other than myself... I'm just a visitor, a passenger, my body is not me... On the other hand changes matters. It's something I'm borrowing for a time.

This really resonates. It is an entity other than myself. I've always fought against that, but perhaps I can go with the idea of borrowing it for a time...hmmm. Will have to think on that one. Thanks.

don't despise it the way I despise myself. (I also like myself, no problem feeling completely different ways at the same time, but it's the flat out self hatred that leaks over into hating everything about my body, as well). I don't need to hate my body, because it's not who I am. <chuckling> I still do hate my body a lot of the time, but I don't need to.

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: I totally get it. Thank you for sharing this perception/conception of yourself/body.

It's just a house for my spirit. But I also have custodianship of it. And I haven't been taking very good care of her. I'm trying to rectify that. I'm trying to also have patience. It took a good many years to damage it as much as I have. It will no longer respond as if I've been taking care if it for those years. It will take months and years to change. I'm thinking of it like restoring a house. There's wiring and plumbing, there's structural changes, there's cosmetic work, there's purpose & use, there are additions to build, there's furnishings & decorations. These alterations take time. But, as long as I have custodianship of it, I have the right to make the changes I want. Ownership, rather than renting, although I say visiting and borrowing. It may not be me, but it's mine. So what do I want it to be? And how can I get there?

Thank you for this. I am going to print it out and read it every day. This is really, really helpful.

 

[WildMermaid]

Eh I get what exercise I can. I work out my upper body, i do yoga, sometimes pilates, and I swim. Also when I'm in my chair I push my self hard and when in top physical form I can do 10 miles in it. Last two days my hands don't work much at all are in gloves, and i can't push my wheels. Days like this body confidence is low. @Hope4Now get blue and spiky or just blue or just spiky get down with your bad self, do what you need for your body. :)

 

[VioletButterfly]

:hug: Hope4Now -

I've been down this path for a long time now. To piggy-back on what FridayJones said, there is a saying I wanted to share:

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." The quote is by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (1881-1955), the French philosopher and Jesuit priest. This is a very important concept to master in traveling the spiritual path."

This quote has helped me to differentiate my body from my spirit. Right now my body is old, flabby, saggy, without nutrition, etc... My spirit, though, wants to heal and loves to learn. My spirit often feels pulled back and stunted by my "meat suit" (love that saying, got it from the TV show "Supernatural"). Hey, I take inspiration where I can get it. lol So, a lot of times, I concentrate on my spirit and just quite beating up on my body like most ladies do. I think we're programmed!

I have also found it helpful to connect with my body in a physical way, whether it's stretching, walking in nature where I mix the physical and natural, pretending I'm a ballerina while using my banister as a ballet bar, etc... just testing my strength and flexibility. Although I don't have the strength I used to have as a gymnast, I do have some flexibility left in the old girl. So, feeling the muscles contract and stretch helps me. I also find it grounding as to work our muscles you need your body and mind to focus. I would think this would help you focus on what you're doing instead of watching. Maybe it is something to practice.

I also find it helpful to buy and prepare nutrition foods. It gives me a focus and lets me know that I care about my body and my mind, and it takes both to cook without losing a finger in the process. The only other thing I've found that works is prayer. When I can connect to my higher power, then I can shut out distractions of distracting thinking. I'm not sure the degree to which depersonalization affects you. So that will affect if any of these suggestions might help. It just seems that focus and connection are key.

Body dysmorphia has been very difficult to overcome and I still deal with it. I guess I try to look at the body as a whole. I also focus on health now. I used to try to pick out one part that I liked (my fingernails), but I found that to be unhelpful for me. Dividing myself up into parts was too much like DID and that was something I struggled with while working with my first therapist who brainwashed me. Part of it for me has been acceptance of where I'm at right now. I am older and things do drop and droop, but I do see myself in the mirror now, not some other worldly Picaso creature that I saw 10 years ago when I couldn't even look in the mirror.. It's taken 10 years and a lot of acceptance of who I am as the whole picture me. Growing up, I was too big this way, that way, an the other - I just didn't fit the example my mom had of a petite little doll she could dress up in frilly frocks. I have fought weight my entire life and have used food to cope, yo-yo dieted, etc... The whole nine yards. I am a tall woman by certain standards and normal by others at 5' 7". My weight sits squarely in my belly so I look like I have twizzlers for arms and legs, but a jaw breaker for a belly. It used to be a gumball, but then my endocrine system got into the act. So, I see how I am and I'm not thrilled about it, but there are things that I can do to both ground accept myself. I try to listen to the still small voice inside which loves me and cares about me as a whole. I love to do art (little kid art) too.

I hope some of this has helped. Take care. VB I wish we had a butterfly emoticon!! :angelic: An angel will have to do.