Relationship Am i even in the right thread?! i just need help!!

[Freida]

oh hun. Ok so....bout this. I'm going to say this not to hurt you or try to blame you but because I'm hoping it helps. Take what feels right, leave the rest, know that I can see you are a wonderful and caring person.

You are pretty much doing everything wrong

And He replied saying " unfortunately i dont think i can today im not feeling well and i have to do stuff for the va apt i have tom that got switched... Im really sorry "

Right now I have to deal with the VA twice a week. . I have to ramp up to force myself up to go. Sometimes I will be smiling and laughing but inside I'm undone. If they change my schedule in any way I'm going to be a raving bitch for the rest of the day. If hubby accused me of lying or bombarded me with his need to be noticed? I'd lash out - badly. And then I would disconnect. Not because I don't love him. Because I can't handle it. If he is very lucky I would stay in the same state. If he pissed me off too much I'd catch the next flight out of town.

VA appointments are hell. Pure and simple. If it's therapy, trauma therapy involves digging up their trauma and kicking it around the room for an hour. My vet falls asleep the second he gets into the car after an appointment and is sick for a few days after. Even if it's just a medical appointment for something else, the VA involves so much f*ckery and stress it's probably going to wind him up into a state too.

This is me. I come home and crash for 24 to 48 hours. And when I say crash I mean "don't f*cking talk to me --- why aren't you talking to me - hug me dammit - leave me alone dammit" and I sleep. A lot. Hubby has to just ride it out. It starts when it starts, it gets as bad as it gets, unless it doesn't, and it ends when it ends. I CAN'T change that. It doesn't mean I don't want to. I CAN'T

I think when civilians think of the VA they think of it like a clinic where a doctor helps you get well. It's not. The VA doesn't represent a safe place. It represents a shit ton of pain and horrible memories and sorrow. Then add a ton of bureaucracy and..... nobody wins.

Idk its hard for me to cope with the ugly side of this relationship.

And that's ok. I think that is what you need to realize. It's ok if you can't cope with it. This is life with ptsd. It doesn't mean sufferers are liars or don't want you around or are just crappy people. It means that everything in their life is affected by this disease. And it doesn't go away. It can get better, symptoms can be controlled, but it isn't something we get to leave behind some day and go on to a life full of unicorns and rainbows. And that sucks. Chances are very high that the guy you have now is the guy you are always going to have. he may have better days and worse days -- but it will never be just regular days.

An example for me? I can't handle neediness. I'm good for talking with people and offering advice and helping with problem solving, but neediness makes me crazy. I couldn't handle someone in my life who needed me to constantly reassure them of whatever. There is no room in my brain for that. And it would make me angry eventually because I know I can't respond the way they want me to. then I would feel guilty and that would piss me off even more.

And that isn't fair to you. If you want a relationship that offers that kind of reassurance then a ptsd relationship probably won't make you happy. Read the supporters -- how often they say to be happy they have to have a life away from their sufferer. If you aren't wired that way there s nothing wrong with that. It may just not fit in this particular box. And that's ok. You deserve to be happy. This might just not be how it happens.

 

[Sighs]

This ^^^ is what I was trying to say. Its ok to want more from a relationship than this one can ever be. But you can't force him to be different by carrying on about it. That's like throwing a tantrum because the guy in a wheelchair won't get up and walk.

 

[EveHarrington]

My guess is that he said his cell phone was broken because the relationship was stressing him and he needed a break.

I think that your anxiety is ramping him up and his anxiety is ramping you up so perhaps this relationship wasn’t meant to be.

 

[Veevivianvee]

oh hun. Ok so....bout this. I'm going to say this not to hurt you or try to blame you but because I'...

This was wonderful to read and i needed to read it
Thank you for your meaningful replies freida

 

[Veevivianvee]

This ^^^ is what I was trying to say. Its ok to want more from a relationship than this one can ever be....

Lol omg! Is it terrible that i laughed at that last bit?
When you say it like that makes what I'm doing seem so stupid and half the time its because i dont even know what im doing or what i should do

 

[Veevivianvee]

My guess is that he said his cell phone was broken because the relationship was stressing him and...

..idk
I don't even know why my anxiety is so high
I've been wanting to see someone about it but that makes me anxious too

 

[Freida]

Oh hun you are NOT stupid! You have a great heart - you are just into a situation you weren't really prepared for.
And yes - seeing a therapist is a great idea -- weather you stay or not. This whole thing has beaten you up emotionally, you might need some guidance on how to get back to yourself and get your anxiety down. And if we can all do it so can you! :):hug:

 

[Mytime]

I agree, seeing a therapist can help a great deal. I know it can be hard at times. In relationships you support each other and share your feelings. Sometimes we just need a little reassurance. Being in a PTSD relationship, you need to learn how to handle your own emotions and soothe yourself when he is struggling. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying he can never be there for you. Just when he’s really struggling to keep his head above water, he has to put himself before anyone. You have anxiety yourselves and if you react because of it, can only push him away more. Working on how you react to your anxiety and insecurities would help in how you communicate with him. One suggestion I would give you is.” When anxiety or insecurities are up don’t communicate until you have them down and under control. Because when they are up, you may not be seeing what is truly going on around you. And never say anything you don’t truly mean. Because once words leave your mouth, you can never take them back. Sometimes conversation need to be put on hold until a better time. At the appropriate time, each of you setting boundaries. I understand how hard it is in the beginning, but please try not to beat yourself up. What’s done is done. You can’t go back and change your reaction or a conversation. All you can do is move forward and work on you.
Sending you support and a hug if you except :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Is it really fair for you to complain about his disorder when you yourself have an untreated anxiety problem that you don’t want to get help for?

 

[Veevivianvee]

Is it really fair for you to complain about his disorder when you yourself have an untreated anxi...

Thanks eve! actually made an appointment for Thursday. Never said i didn't want help just said that it made me anxious for certain reasons.

I agree, seeing a therapist can help a great deal. I know it can be hard at times. In relationships you...

Thank you for your reply .
"Whenanxiety or insecurities are up don’t communicate until you have them down and under control." I appreciate this! Definitely something i need to learn to do in general
For some reason I've taught myself that if i just get everything I'm feeling out it will help me to feel less anxious

Oh hun you are NOT stupid! You have a great heart - you are just into a situation you weren't really pr...

Thanks freida! I really appreciate your kind words. I've made an appointment to see someone for Thursday. Things are definitely tough for me right now and i never expected it but I do need to find level ground again hopefully it will help

 

[Mytime]

Letting everything out on paper would be good. It could help bring it down for you. But if your letting it out, by reacting to your anxiety or insecurities, it can push people away. Being connected to your true feelings and not having them driven by anxiety. ect. You can approach and communicate your feelings with clearly and calmness. Which in return, can also help you understand and hear the response of the other person.

 

[grit]

I do not have any scientific research to back up but my personal experience tells me bonding while in trauma is extremely strong...so strong that actually it is one of the reason I have cptsd and could not get rid of my mother (who gave me this). The bond is that strong...of course work in progress now.

With your b/f, it is like being in hostage situations, the bond of those people, you cannot break it with a metal...figuratively speaking. I think you need to accept this and also I think, you need to build your own network of support and life and let this person have space to recover and heal and same for you.

I am not relationship expert, but I do need a lot of lone time and this was one of the first I had to negotiate with my husband (then b/f). I got it and work around it that it has become natural that I can have my space while he is around it now.

Not sure if you were looking for advice and hard to give one cause I would never know a lot of factors. but the battle body, consider this as part of his body...(for lack of better analogy) and build your own life so you are not over thinking all his feelings toward you.

battle buddy! not the battle body! so confusing...