Anxiety Over Letting Things Be

[yoshixvx]

Due to being raised in a violent home, I've always had a lot of anxiety around uneventful experiences and silence. For me, it's a parallel to "the calm before the storm" as a child, when I would mentally prepare and then wait on guard for my parents to come home drunk, because chaos always ensued. This was my state of existence for the first 14 years of my life, and it continued after I went into foster care (and realistically up until 2 years ago).

I believe my body and/or brain is still stuck in this flashback, because when things are going relatively ok/stable and quiet in my life, my mind looks for things to cause drama. It doesn't have to be something harmful (though it has been in the past) - it can be something as simple as suddenly hating the paint on my walls and feeling compelled to redecorate the entire house. But the impulse has been with me all of my life. I know that it ties into perfectionism as well.

My concern is that I may have an addiction to this state of being: having my life shaken and unstable. Years later, I have a great apartment and life is giving me the opportunity to work through these things. I am grateful. But even when I meditate, I can hear the thoughts racing through my head about myself or my environment not being good enough, or paranoid delusions about how other people view me/act. I know these are just thoughts, and I am working on controlling my reactions to them/perspective of them, but I am wondering.. does anyone else have this issue?

 

[arfie]

I like calling it, "hyper-vigilance." I have heard that term often enough for long enough to think it is fairly well established. For certain, it is fairly common in my own recovery network. Far from standard, but it is common. Many call it an addiction and I feel like arguing that is splitting hairs. Mine certainly has a boatload of habits attached.

Awareness was an all important series of steps in dealing with my own. It sounds like you are building a solid awareness of yours. Chew on it a while and see what grows.

You are not alone, yoshi.

 

[Maggiemay]

*Hugs*

I can definitely relate :(
My T has been trying to getme to do relaxation exercises at the o. When she 1st brought it up I had the worst dissociation episode ever. Since then I have built up to doing it for the 1st time today. I ended up having horrific panic attack afterwards, non-epileptic seizure & couldn't get up as muscles so sore! T seems to think I struggle to relax as then makes me fell vulnerabile and open to exploitation and worried something is seriously wrong (having also come from a violent home, silence used to mean serious injury :( - lots of domestic violence

 

[yoshixvx]

Thanks, @arfie! Makes sense that's it's tied to hypervigilance. I always assumed that HV was just obsessive scanning/preoccupation with perceived threats, not creating them. But I can see how the two acts are related.

silence used to mean serious injury

Oh god, this. Another puzzle piece falls into place.. thank you!! No wonder my body acts with agitation and restlessness.

 

[Justmehere]

Fixing things, and not just being still and letting things be as they are, is a huge defense mechanism for me. My therapist has been challenging me to let things be, and my anxiety goes through the roof!

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say that I can very much relate.

 

[franciemarnie]

I just wanted to share I am familiar with the "calm before the storm". My dad would come home at seven p.m. At five p.m., my inner tension would begin. My heart would race. My temperature would go up. I would literally get a fever every night. My extremities would go cold. I would feel sick just waiting those two hours. (He drank.)

Ugh. It's like these patterns were branded on our souls, hearts and minds. Into my twenties, maybe longer - when living alone - every evening at 5 p.m., my nerves would start to churn, and I would re-feel physically the whole thing again even though there was no dad or anyone going to walk thru my door at seven.

These habits are so hard to break. Ingrained experience in our formative years. But we can break them as time goes by with new experience.

 

[yoshixvx]

@franciemarnie I know the witching hour all too well. It has caused my ED and heightened anxiety after 7pm. I become a different person, regardless of how good my day has been. I try to stay busy and stay outside during those hours, which is more difficult in the winter. I am definitely welcoming summer nights!

 

[franciemarnie]

@yoshixvx re: summer- me too!! Can't wait!!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I can so relate. Safety and feeling safe is the number one basic human need and if one has never had it what a challenge and obstacle that is for us.

I too have a hard time at five pm. My parents were my abusers among other relatives.

For so many years, I struggled with worrying and stressing over every little thing. I think I must be ready because now I do not stress out so much except for on my bad days. I am having more and more good days. Now instead of stressing and worrying, I refuse to dwell on the past and the unknown future and just try to focus on what is happening now.

Easy to say, but hard to do. I think it takes so much practice.

Keep on your path and trust your gut instincts and follow your heart, you are so worth fighting for.

You are a good person who has survived horrendous abuse and dealing with the aftermath of it is a real bitch.
But keep on traveling the path and do not give up on yourself and you will someday have more and more good days.

When I first began therapy I had an illusion that three months of therapy and I would be on my merry way. I had so many false beliefs and illusions. I started therapy in 1985 and am just now reaping the benefits.

Like I said I still have bad days, but I keep on having more and more good days. These things I said I speak out of personal experience and are just my opinions. Keep what you like and toss the rest. I wish you the best on your healing process. Do not give up on yourself there is hope for a good future and many other fine experiences for you ahead.

 

[Dorian Gray]

For many years, I, too, would await the return of a family member with dread. Hearing her footfalls was enough to start a wave of symptoms. I am still triggered by loud walking (I actually have to move this week as my new upstairs neighbor has been really exacerbating my condition). The hairs on the back of my neck prickle; my ears perk like those of an animal; I have severe stomach upset, clenched muscles and teeth--cold terror.

I think our bodies remember things long after our minds have worked through them. I've been advised to keep a regular yoga routine and proactively breathe during the times of day where my adrenaline rises. Focusing on breathing and staying present seems to help, especially if I preempt the situation by being engaged before the symptoms begin, instead of just reacting to them. If you can show your body over and over that silence and stillness belong to you now, and not to memory, perhaps that will grant some peace. Best to you on your journey.