Childhood Being hit with a hair brush-abuse?

[Suzetig]

It is, of course being hit with a hairbrush is abusive, but that doesn’t mean your mum had any intention of being abusive - it’s one of those where the motive can be good but the action and outcome be quite harmful.

She may very well have meant that she loved you, and may have very calmly saw her role as a good mum was to discipline her child - which leaves you feeling you must have deserved it, which of course you didn’t because regardless of behaviour no one deserves abuse.

I bundle it up in a bracket of “they did their best with what they had, when knew better, they did better”. It’s used to be ok to beat women, send children up chimneys etc etc, when society knew better, things changed. Would your mum do it now, knowing how harmful it is? What does it give you to label her as an abuser as opposed to recognising her behaviour was (possibly inadvertently) abusive? I’m not saying you’re calling her an abuser btw just trying to help you think through the dichotomy of knowing someone who possibly loved you still caused you hurt.

None of which changes the impact on you, and the feelings you’re left with.

 

[EveHarrington]

Well, so what is confusing is that my mom was calm and said "I love you."
In a way this made it worse...

I’m really confused.

You started the thread asking if it was abuse...

Then later on got upset about how questions like this turn into a debate, while also saying yes, it is abuse.

This is incredibly confusing as the thread seems to have posted a question where both sides were welcome, but I’m guessing that you really only wanted people to tell you it was abuse.

This doesn’t seem fair to me, I mean it feels like entrapment as you didn’t outright say what kinds of responses you were looking for.

Just giving the perspective of someone responding. Kind of gun shy now.

 

[Gs172003]

Do you want to know how other people see it or do you want people to validate you?

 

[Friday]

As a parent you’ve really only got 2 good choices in disciplining children / eaching empathy & understanding; hurt them physically or hurt them mentally/emotionally.

Too much? Abuse.
Too little? Neglect.

Both of which have very predictable results.

 

[Scarlet13]

I am looking for validation, but welcome any comment.

I should have specified that. I am open to opinions either way, but I am really referring to my mother hitting me and my sister with a hair brush.

I am just stuck in the minimization of it because it was presented as a punishment in a calm way.

I want it to be abuse. I don't know why, that just feels right to me. I don't feel that because it was on my back side and it was a punishment that it is something else other than abuse. I think I am actually looking for validation on this, but don't know if that is fair, so sorry if it was confusing and the first post lacked these details.

The whole spanking argument seems to make the naming of this confusing to me and I am just throwing that idea out there.

No one can really tell me about what happened in my life here. I even don't remember everything.

I am just looking for any thoughts and opinions as well as validation if that is something some one wants to give based on what you have read.

Has any one struggled with thoughts similar to mine? How do you lable/process/name intense punishments like this in your healing?

 

[Scarlet13]

It is, of course being hit with a hairbrush is abusive, but that doesn’t mean your mum had any intent...

I think I am trying to get at the point that my mom was an abusive person and this was "disguised" as punishment.
I asked my sister what we got the brush for and she said talking with a tone that was perceived as sarcastic. Or whining. Or complaining about something.
She ended up breaking the brush on my sister.
Was she always a terrible horrible person?
No. She was intermittent.
But "abuse like" punishments get really hard to process and sort thru.
I should have made this thread specific to my situation in the beg.

 

[Mach123]

The way we grew up no, it's not. Watch what happens to kids who don't get spanked running rough shod over their moms in stores and you'll see that it's abuse not to correct them. (I do think there are other ways but at the end of the day I don't know how it's done) I understand the question and why it's being asked, and I think it can be abuse depending on the situation but, my mom hit me and not only with her hand, and it was not abuse IMO. If our moms came out if we were acting up around that neighborhood, we knew we were in deep sh*t. If one of the dads came out, we ran. If or moms whacked us we thought we were lucky. If she didn't belt you and said, "go to your room and wait till your father comes home," it was curtains. That's how it was. On many occasions, I think it should still be that way now. I grew up in a different time. It was bad in some ways but, people had more respect for each other? IDK. It's a good thread. Thanks, I think along these lines a lot these days.

 

[Lionheart]

This is just my humble opinion, so please take it for what it is......

I think spanking as discipline is one thing and can sometimes be considered reasonable in light of trying to teach a child, but when hairbrushes, switches, belts, belt buckles, other things etc., are used viciously in anger and inflict, deep red marks, cuts, and bruises, it is more clearly abusive.

Having said that, I think that if you are still questioning whether or not it was abuse all these years later, then it definitely had a negative impact on you and could rightly be considered abuse. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Scarlet13]

So I am trying to get through this confusion and thanks for the different opinions from both sides.
I really think it was abuse in my case even though my mother was calm and was not 'angry' on the surface.
She always held anger deep down.
The hairbrush, spoon, and yard stick were used with good intentions perhaps on the surface. She thought she was guiding us with love.
But we got these methods because we were sarcastic?
Because we complained sometimes?
I think, deep down, some people have a need to be abusive, and it makes sense to use punishment as the cover or the excuse for the abuse to happen.
She did feel some satisfaction or release in her actions. I do remember her anger there even in the calm voice.
People who are abusive don't always think they are nor do they want to own it.
So this type of punishment can satisfy someone who is abusive but will still let them feel good about themselves as "this is acceptable".

I think she did feel bad even when I cried, but she did need to do it some how.
She did stop after awhile and just used mainly emotional abuse and she also let her boyfriend take over.
Abuse is not always straight forward.
My mom had a very strict, religious narcissistic personality. She lacked empathy.
We were raised in the strict, Christian south and yes the belt happened in other house holds im sure, but my mother was abusive in other ways as well.
So, the "punishment" of the hair brush probably registered in my mind as abuse.

Do I think that every mom who disciplines this way is abusive? No. But, it gets tricky to tell.

 

[Suzetig]

Was your mum abusive generally? I ask because raising kids is very hard - I work very hard to stay calm with mine, they can drive me to distraction and yes I feel very angry with them at times. Even when I sound calm on the surface, I can be furious underneath. Now, I would never hit them because I know the damage it does but if I didn’t, I can imagine that spanking them would bring some relief for the tension I feel when I’m angry with them. I need to find other ways to relieve that stress that doesn’t involve harming my kids.

I’m thinking there might be more to your mums behaviour towards you than the discipline you describe. Physical punishment in the context of an otherwise loving relationship at one time (ie in my lifetime) would have been considered good parenting - indeed I still know folk who would argue that smacking their child is responsible discipline because the children are loved and cherished. Physical punishment that’s overly harsh, leaves marks or scars or injuries, which involves hitting with an implement is abusive but it wasn’t always considered that way.

What was your relationship with your mum like when she wasn’t disciplining you?

 

[EveHarrington]

I think if it felt abusive to you, then it was abuse!

There’s a big difference between swatting a child once or twice on the bottom with the flat side of a hair brush and using the bristled side to inflict painful markings on the body.

You don’t describe exactly what happened, so that’s why you’re likely getting a variety of responses.

 

[scout86]

It seems like the point of punishment is to teach that a behavior is "wrong". The point of abuse (such as there is one) is to teach the recipient that THEY are "wrong". Similar, but not the same, and it's an important difference.