Boundary Against Abuser Not Respected By Family

[greenleaf]

This has been a difficult week... my husband has finally moved out, at least partially (still more stuff to get). He had been getting more manipulative and edged over into being emotionally abusive as time went on, until some inner part of me finally had enough... took a long time but is finally happening. I was feeling exhausted and numb this morning but with some relief too.

I think that part of the reason it was hard for me to keep a clear, healthy boundary, is the long period during childhood where my brother was violent and abusive to pretty much everyone in the family, but it was said to be "not very bad" (compared to axe murderers I guess) and I shouldn't "ruin his life" etc. etc. (It is hard, I've come to believe, for a parent to deal with the situation of one child abusing another child and the parent too. Parents can feel very responsible, motivates them to minimize etc. etc.)

So, that was Sunday that the husband finally vacated his couch and left... Today is Monday, the very next day, and a female relative who did not witness the childhood things but knows the story, calls and says that oh by the way your brother (the long-term, definite physical abuser) might come to a cousin's funeral, and essentially this is ok because he's "part of the family".

This brother has recently threatened her too, so she's clearly not immune... I have told her that my brother's actions resulted in a life of ptsd symptoms for me... So, why is this "part of the family" thing more important than safety from a violent person??? This feels like a repeat of a hundred childhood incidents, even though the person who said this wasn't there for the childhood issues. I know that denial exists, have seen it so many times from other family members but just can never accept it... and now wonder how much I'm going to have to cut myself off from more people due to their denial, selective memory, or whatever it is this time.

If I avoid this funeral because my brother is there, it makes a relationship with those relatives less likely... but would they even believe or respect anything I could say about my brother being violent? As is pretty common I guess, there is little "official" evidence because the family hid so much, and I even lied to medical people about causes for injuries because I believed so strongly they would be even less safe than my family, way back as a kid.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

My own eldest brother beat me repeatedly as a small boy. Personally I would avoid the funeral myself. I want nothing to do with my brother at all. Sending hugs if you accept them.

 

[QueenPhina]

Not feeling respected in the essence of taking into consideration your PTSD and symptoms is a horrible feeling, especially when it involves family.

The only advice I could offer would be this: if you feel like you absolutely need to be present at your cousin's funeral, then go - don't let their denial of events and the outcome of those events further change you (ie: not going when you really want to).. avoiding regret if you don't. Just stay far away from your brother and surround yourself with other loved ones. Don't give him power over partaking in a family function your heart desires to participate in.

However, the above statement was based on the circumstance where you express a strong desire to be present. But since these family members seem to not be able to respect you or process what occurred, it is perfectly acceptable to do just the opposite: if the anxiety and act of being in such close proximity to your brother is more overwhelming than the potential regret of not attending, than do just that - don't attend. You'll make a statement to your family - "I love myself enough to not be in a situation where I have to endure more than I already have" - and any family members who may not socialize with you anymore... honey, sometimes people walk out of our lives because it's what's best for us, and that's important - not what's best for them.

Sending prayers and thoughts your way for the best outcome for you. *Hugs*

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok, so you want a relationship with relatives who have decided to keep your abusive brother in their lives. WHY? Honestly, this sounds like a recipe for crazy making! You'll be fighting for them, to get them away from your big bad brother, but the bottom line is that they can make their own decisions, and they have made the choice to allow him in their lives. I think you should accept the fact that you can't control everyone else. You can't tell them who to associate with. They have to make that choice for themselves, and if they think its ok for your brother to be at the funeral, then that is something you will have to accept.

You can't control other people. You are the only one who is responsible for enforcing your boundaries as you are now an adult. You can't depend on other people to do it for you.

 

[GWhizz]

I've had to cut my entire family out unfort to keep a few dirty players away. If I really wanted to go to a funeral because I loved that deceased individual, I may go but I would be as discreet as possible, slip in late and leave early to avoid any contact kinda thing. You can't change how others think about another's action. Just do as you feel is right. My own mother doesn't see my father's actions towards me as abusive. I hold a love for her for some instinctive reason but I choose not to associate with her when she chooses to stand by my father and over his actions. Because of this I still blame myself as nobody else will be accountable or recognise any of it. Don't victimize yourself by placing yourself in a viral situation where you can be subject to further shaming and disrespect.

 

[Kintsugi]

I think I understand exactly where you're coming from. My older brother sexually abused me--and instigated about a dozen other boys in my abuse--for years at a young age, and he always kept me tightly under his thumb for as long as it lasted.

I missed a wedding primarily because he was there. I couldn't even call or write to say I wouldn't be there. I feel blamed for this. It was years ago, and it still eats at me. Even now, I feel like there's a PTSD-shaped elephant in the room with the couple.

Regardless, protecting myself comes first. Would he not come to an event because I was there? No, he would be there. I am the one deciding I can't do it. I need to stay away for me. The whiplash would be unthinkable... almost, since I've been down that road before. It sucked.

 

[Friday]

Ah Family. Capital F.

I'm about to cut off having a relationship with my mother, who has been one of my closest friends, because she insists on having a relationship with my abusive Ex. Okay that's fine. Her life. She can have whomever in it she chooses. She wants access to her grandson (my son) when I don't have custody. Fine. That choice means she's about to lose me, and access to her grandson, when I do have custody.

She thinks I'm being retaliative. I'm not. She's making a choice to keep him in her life, which keeps him in my life. So I have to walk away from her, now, too. We each have choices. You want him around? Fine. That means I'm not going to be. That simple.

Does it mean she's mad at my ex? Nope. She's mad at me. Shrug. That's just the way it works. She doesn't understand abuse. She doesn't understand that passing information -like a normal person- has terrible consequences in my life, and my son's life, because my ex is not a normal person. She doesn't understand, and I can't make her understand. All she sees is that "I'm" the one putting her in a situation she doesn't like. Worse, that her actions have directly hurt me, puts her on the defensive. So it's a double hit.

I've tried to sit her down and explain that when she does A (normal), my ex does B (f*cked up thing) which causes C (terrible thing in my life). She can't make the connection. Because A is normal? She's in the clear. She's in the right. It's not her fault. A is normal, and right, and what should happen. And she's furious at me for even suggesting otherwise.

A lot of people? Just get stuck there. "We're a family". Yeah. That's normal. And, taken on its own a good thing. But when there are other factors in play? We don't live in a vacuum.

It's not the people who create the sucking hole of a vacuum normal people get mad at. It's the people tapping on the glass threatening their happy idea of safety and normalcy, pointing out the sucking wasteland outside their happy little bubble.

 

[GWhizz]

their happy little bubble.

Yes so true. My family definitely exist in a 'happy' little bubble. One that denies mental health problems really exist or that abusing your children wasn't just some old-fashioned normal. My mother's favourite quotes: 'no one's perfect' or 'there's no such thing as normal - what family is?'. Maybe there is no normal but there definitely is the very abnormal.

 

[Rumors]

She thinks I'm being retaliative. I'm not. She's making a choice to keep him in her life, which keeps him in my life. So I have to walk away from her, now, too. We each have choices. You want him around? Fine. That means I'm not going to be. That simple.

I wonder if this is a very black and white frame. I mean your son is also a part of his life. You are stuck co-parenting with this guy regardless so there will be a certain amount that he stays in your life no matter what you do. You may reframe your moms need to maintain a "relationship" with this man as just merely doing it to be with her grandson. If that is the case then I think I could manage to deal with it because I know someone else is looking out for my son when I can't be there. I certainly cannot know what you went through and can only offer a different perspective. I imagine it was terrible and I am very sorry you had to go through that. At some point, however, I wonder if you just have to only think about your son and what is good for him. I would think it would be important for him to see some semblance of stability in his familial relationship in that you and your mom make things work. When too much chaos interrupts a kids life, they become damaged goods and I KNOW you don't want that. I am certainly not suggesting you put yourself into harms way, but I am suggesting you be very smart in your relationship with your mom and the things you share and figure out a way to make that safe and stable place for your son. Very sorry...

I've tried to sit her down and explain that when she does A (normal), my ex does B (f*cked up thing) which causes C (terrible thing in my life). She can't make the connection. Because A is normal? She's in the clear. She's in the right. It's not her fault. A is normal, and right, and what should happen. And she's furious at me for even suggesting otherwise.

I wouldn't bother trying to explain. I would probably instead say, "this is what I expect/need from you in order to maintain an open relationship with you". If she doesn't abide by those needs, then I would suggest you don't share those parts of your life with her but keep things stable. If you don't think your son doesn't share information or your ex doesn't probe him for info, you would be wrong!!! Kids can innocently say things that the other spouse uses as ammo!!!! You certainly don't want to make your son pay for the mistakes of the adults around him even if you end up having to sit on some things. It is what we do as parents to provide some semblance of normalcy to our kids life. I try and think of it as doing better than my parents may have done for me.... Hope that makes sense. I can't imagine how tough that must be!!!! Really sorry.

 

[greenleaf]

Thanks for the responses... I think for me, my adult actions need to include protecting myself, esp. "younger" parts per the structural dissociation thread...

The

'happy' little bubble

thing was really applicable in my family. I think some people keep the bubble as their ultimate reality, whereas I learned early to keep this particular bubble in a snow globe and occasionally think how pretty it looks once per year, but that's about it. I think my reptile brain decided that the chance of being killed was more real than the pretty flakes.

 

[The Albatross]

Boundaries are for myself... they do not extend voluntarily to the actions of others. My family though and spouse and in-laws are put on notice though that there are some situations I will not/can not put myself in.

Boundaries will be tested, it is time and consistent application that eventually alters the familial "status quo".