Undiagnosed Can Finding Out About An Affair Cause Ptsd?help!*long*

[~Inthedark~]

Hey there everyone,been a LONG time since I've posted on a forum, so forgive me if I ramble,hope things make sense,as I loss my train of thought sometimes! :)

It's been 2 years and a month since I found out about my bf's affair,which completely devastated me!

I am constantly thinking of it still to this day,it's basically everyday,the slightest things can set my mind into a devastated trance like state,when that happens it's almost like I can't focus on anything else going on around me and I get agitated by everything.I get into deep thoughts at these moments and my mind just over analyzes and obsesses. I obsess mostly about whether he is telling me the truth at all about everything we've discussed after the affair, that bothers me the most.Often I feel like I can't stay with him,but I feel guilty because I should've left him earlier, I also don't want to regret anything if I leave him(we do have a 2 yr old,as well which is why even stayed) I feel like if he's lying(which how would I know)then I'd want to know to make the obvious choice,but I won't ever fully know. I don't know if I could have PTSD.

A little about our relationship, if some insight into this helps. We have quite an age gap,I don't think it's any relevance to this,who knows. I am 20 and he's in his early 40's,maybe me being younger caused me to be more vulnerable,I don't know At the time of the affair I was pregnant and I knew before the affair how shocked,in denial (had a vasectomy) unprepared and scared he was. I was too! He told me often how he doesn't believe how it could happen so many years after the vasectomy. I expressed I understood but was only with him. I still never ever thought he would cheat. I have social anxiety. I don't have any friends or any good support system, but when I met him I felt complete. I feel he's not the same person,the person I knew would've never done that to me. He used to say he hated liars and cheaters because his ex wife cheated on him and that's why they split. Once told me he would NEVER cheat on me! How naive I feel and used.

I guess I thought when I took him back that I wouldn't be thinking of his affair two years later, but I am! I STILL check the other woman's facebook,sometimes everyday,(atm it is) or weekly. I once went a few weeks without doing so,then a bad thought gave me the urge to check her FB again. My persistent thoughts seem to fluctuate in intensity and it's been really intense lately. I have SOO many things bottled up, I want to ask the same questions again,but I hold it in and it builds and I often have fits of anger toward my bf,but I don't express what's going on deep down, because he gets tired of hearing the same thing and we always wind up arguing over it anyway. When I first found iyt I was ALWAYS constantly asking questions: why, where, when. I always asked for tiny details and I still want to ask. I'm never satisfied with his answers because I feel like there not the same answer he's previously given and that just p*sses me off even more,why bother?
I still cringe when I hear her name,or even names similar. Her name's Christa (even hate writing it). Like if her name or something similar is said on tv I'll feel ill and try to divert my bf's attention without being obvious why.

I still have "triggers" when I see someone with a similar look to her, hair, style, personality and my heart beats fast and I feel like he's attracted to them. When I found out about the affair she texted me to "leave Ron alone" (eyes are watering,now) and I can still recall as I remember this exactly how I felt at that moment. I died inside. As a note I knew he had had sex with her prior to me finding out that it was an AFFAIR. During our break she had texted me and asked "were you with me last night ". She was trying to pose as him...how stupid! anyway. I called her back and said "who's this", she said "Christa" then Ron grabs the phone from her and I say "who the f*ck was that" he said, like any cheater would, "a friend". He admitted to having sex with her ONCE because he was hurt and confused, although claiming we were on a break he begged me to take him back and said he would tell her to not contact him if she would call. Well, I thought he would. I feel so stupid to have thought that. I think we argued one night and I left his place and I remember him saying"Is that what you want?,ok". I think that was a threat.

Well, we never actually said we weren't together anymore. I was sure we still were,he was still leading me on like we were. So I assumed we were still together at this time and one night I received a text from her AGAIN! It said "Leave Ron alone". I called back of course, she eventually picked up and I'm not sure exactly what was said at first but I recall her saying she was his girl and that he was trying to get close with her son. She talked about how he was weird during sex and the things he would say to her etc. She said he would let her erase my pics on his phone. I said I should come down to his place (where she was) and go from there. I remember how I felt when I first seen her. She wasn't attractive at all. I didn't understand and she was blonde, something he claimed not to like.

I'm rambling,sorry,but I feel these details can give me a better answer to if I have PTSD. Basically that day he told me while confronted that he loved her. H e said "sorry,but I do love her". He said things like,"can I just have both", "me and her get along","you're both beautiful". Why this bothers me SOOO much is because he denies she was attractive to him sexually. He said he meant she was beautiful inside. he didn't enjoy sex with her and that he was trying to leave for a while but didn't know how. His answers to things also seem to be opposite from previous responses. I have a REALLY hard time believing him! Could I have PTSD I heard people on here say you can get it from an affair.

HELP :( II have a therapist but we're dealing with my anxiety/depression at the moment. Again,sorry for the rant..Thanks

 

[TLight]

I can really sympathize with your situation and I'm absolutely sure you are experiencing all the symptoms you speak of and they must be incredibly painful.

My advice, get this guy out of your head and don't allow him another moment. He's a pig and if you want a pig, then continue your own suffering, but that's on you.

As far as having ptsd from an affair........sorry, but no way. PTSD is truly a living hell, disabling your entire life. It is caused by extreme stressors, like death, torture, horrific accidents, and terrible abuse.
No, you do not have ptsd.......you are just experiencing a horrible part of life caused by a selfish bastard.

 

[Barberian]

The best way to find out if you have PTSD is if you go to a trained, licensed mental health care provider.

No one here is going to say you have or don't have PTSD. That would be practicing mental health care or giving mental health care without a license.

 

[Justmehere]

That sounds awful what you have been through and the symptoms you are having now.

None of us could really diagnose. The symptoms you are having could fall under a number of mental health probelms.

It does sound like a horrific betrayal and loss. Lots of people really struggle to trust and with obsessive like tendencies that can be triggered by all kinda of things after such a great betrayal.

Mental health symptoms being triggered by external things isn't unique to PTSD.

What you have been through is very hororbel. My heart breaks for you.

It doesn't sound like a life threatening, I'm-about-to-be-killed kind of trauma and that kind of life or death trauma hits the nervous system differently. It's not better or worse, it just is. When the body believes it is about to die, it can lead to PTSD. When someone goes through what you have, it can bring on a few symptoms that are similar and other awful symptoms. But a PTSD diagnosis requires that threat of imminent death for PTSD to develop. Without it, it's not likely PTSD.

Not having PTSD doesn't make your pain and loss any less valid or real.

I highly suggest talking with your therapist about what you are experiencing, and see what she thinks is the best diagnosis, and what she thinks the best path to recovery is.


(Edited to fix autocorrect typos)

 

[silkleaves]

Really am sorry to hear you are going through this...I went through something similar with my ex when we broke up about 4 years ago. It's true, this event in and of itself would not cause PTSD. Finding out about an affair is devastating for sure, but not the fear based trauma of PTSD.

HOWEVER, we know not anything of your history before this happened....and I can personally attest to it that if you already had PTSD, but was not aware of it because you taught yourself to cope in ways to avoid feeling anything, stress like this can put you over the edge.

When I talked to my therapist about it I just could not believe I would be that upset over a breakup so many years later, that it would completely ruin my life the way it had. And she said the stuff I was talking about had nothing to do with the breakup at all, and that if it wasnt that, it would have been some other stressful situation that would have put me over the edge...basically, my stress cup topped off and overflowed and it just so happened to be my breakup that did it. But it in no way caused my PTSD.

So, I really do also recommend seeking help from a therapist... the breakup may be a stressor to what is actually a completely different deeper issue from a trauma that you are not dealing with...or..it could just be that you are taking the breakup hard and that is also a good reason to talk to a therapist, so that you can get past that.

 

[~Inthedark~]

Thanks all for the replies. I think I should mention, since I see many people mentioning death as a reason for one getting PTSD ,my sister died 3 months after I found out about his affair. She was sick for a year beforehand (he knew this). She had leukemia and was in and out of the hospital, mostly in we were told she wouldn't make it twice. She went in remission then she got too sick.

We weren't really close and we had a fight before she got sick. When she was in the hospital we apologized and spoke more often! The last thing she told me on the phone was to call her more often,and I never got to and that bothers me..There's more to this and why it might have a part but basically I have unresolved feelings regarding her death because we never got to be close.

I didn't mention it because I didn't think they could be correlated. I do occasionally bring up to my therapist how I feel ,but never in great depth and I'm feeling so depressed that I just wanted to reach out and get some opinions and perspective because I've read several other articles/forums etc that said it IS possible to get PTSD. I might just have the same similar symptoms, but something else? I don't know..it's frustrating

 

[~Inthedark~]

HOWEVER, we know not anything of your history before this happened....and I can personally attest to it that if you already had PTSD, but was not aware of it because you taught yourself to cope in ways to avoid feeling anything, stress like this can put you over the edge.

That makes so much sense,you're right,I'll have to discuss this with my therapist. Thanks!

 

[silkleaves]

* As I try to say whenever I try to explain something to my understanding, but may be completely and totally wrong...for anyone who knows any better, if I am completely wrong about this, don't hesitate to set me right!! :) **

My understanding as far as death, is not death in and of itself, or even watching someone die or knowing that people do die... but being in a situation where your own life was threatened in the course of anothers death. Such as in the case of a mass shooting, war, a hold up maybe...where someone / people around you are being killed and you are in danger of what you see happening, also happening to you. Also something like a car accident, where people in the car with you, or in the other car are killed, knowing that you could have died too.

This can bring on survivors guilt, because you escaped death where someone else in the exact same situation did not, the threat to your life was there, you were so close, your body gets thrown into a panic and has a hard time letting go of the feeling you will be killed at any moment...that can be a cause of PTSD.

ETA: Oh and of course direct threat to you...any situation where you are in fear for your life.

 

[NovemberStar]

The official diagnosis of PTSD cannot come from EMOTIONAL TRAUMA - in your case, betrayal. For the trauma to lead to a diagnosis of PTSD, there needs to be a life-threatening threat to yourself or to someone close to you. The death of a family member from illness would not qualify for the diagnosis. Witnessing the SUDDEN and / or violent death of another person would.

That aside, not having a diagnosis of PTSD doesn't mean someone wasn't or isn't traumatised. It doesn't mean they did not experience trauma, or that what happened to them wasn't traumatic.

But PTSD itself is a very specific diagnosis and from what you have shared, I do not see it fits the criteria. HOWEVER - that is my opinion, and you are best to seek professional help rather than self-diagnose and self help via internet.

Hope that helps.

 

[Chava]

Ruminating, obsessing, trance-like states, and not being able to focus can all be symptoms of depression, too. So I think it's good you have some support for that, whether it is stand-alone depression or a combination of things...

I like what was noted above about past trauma and being put over the edge with new stress and loss. And losing a family member is very hard...even if not very close (this happened to me and it was very murky to try and process). It sounds like a couple big losses together. If I experience too much loss in a period of time I have to process the grief and other difficult feelings while also trying not to completely shut down.

 

[Justmehere]

As I read through the symptoms you describe, your symptoms are suggestive of a number of mental illnesses. Nothing stands out to me as something solely specific to PTSD. However, you could still have PTSD related to other events in your life, and it's best to have a professional determine this. I'm really glad you are going to talk to her about all this.

Thanks all for the replies. I think I should mention, since I see many people mentioning death as a reason for one getting PTSD ,my sister died 3 months after I found out about his affair.

This sounds more like complex grief. Complex grief can be a heavy burden to bear. I also wonder if there are some abandonment fears and perhaps attachment problems for you that were around before and after all this. You have said you have depression which can lead to all the symptoms you are facing, and losing family to cancer can make it all the more difficult. Attachment and abandonment problems usually develop from childhood family patterns, and bring on a lot of fear based behaviors.

What others say is right, for PTSD to develop, it has to be your own life on danger, like a gun-to-your-head-oh-my-gosh-I'm-going-to-die kind of danger. Losing a sister to cancer and having it be tied into a husband having an affair is terrible, but different.

A grief support group might help. Many hospices offer free ones and people can go years after the person passes away. I have gone to one and some people there had a lot of the same symptoms you do.

I've read several other articles/forums etc that said it IS possible to get PTSD.

Internet forums and articles (including here) can be wrong. If you are wondering if you have the major mental illness of PTSD, the best source of information is the professional sources.

Therapy is for what we feel and dealing with that and this seems like a major part of your life.

The professional diagnostic manual called the DSM 5 and it requires as criterion A for life threatening trauma - our own life in danger. Perhaps there is something in your past like this, but a professional is the best to determine if it is PTSD or not.

I understand that you have been reading and searching around for anyone who understands. That's good! But thinking you have the major mental illnesses of PTSD based off what you read on Internet forums and articles, while also seeing a therapist but not talking to her about how you feel, it is a little concerning. It is a little like if I read webMD about physical symptoms, and I begin to wonder if I have cancer and go seek out cancer survivors to relate to regarding my symptoms, and I see a doctor at the same time but don't talk to the a doctor if I have cancer or not.

It's really good you are going to talk to the therapist about all of this.

I get how you are looking for others who understand, and struggle with the same. A professional is the best source and you have one you see already. If you ask them what the diagnosis is and I think it will make your search a lot easier. There could be things that happened or went on for you that you don't recognize that could be leading to PTSD.

I also get the sense that you are craving validation of how awful of an experience you went through.

I might just have the same similar symptoms, but something else? I don't know..it's frustrating

It is frustrating to sort out mental health symptoms, I highly recommend you focus on talking about how you are feeling in therapy. Or consider a new therapist where the focus would be on these symptoms and feelings, and I think you will find a lot more relief from what you are going through.

If you do have PTSD that developed from events where your own life was in danger, there are great treatments for it.

If you don't have PTSD, it is a very good thing. PTSD is a hellish mental illness to battle.

 

[silkleaves]

If you don't have PTSD, it is a very good thing. PTSD is a hellish mental illness to battle.

Before I was diagnosed, I came across info about PTSD, saw some similarities to what I was going through, and right off dismissed that I could have it because for one, I was trying to stay in denial of what happened to me...and for two, I did not want PTSD. I actually talked myself out of most of the symptoms, even though it wasn't just what I was going through right then and there, but many things about myself I had been blowing off and trying not to pay attention to for over 20 years...because from everything I read, all I could think was...well that would suck!!!! Even though, "hilariously" enough, it was exactly what I was dealing with. I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

My diagnosis brought on relief, because I no longer had to wonder what was wrong with me, but also I felt...so hard to describe... I felt like...well, before my diagnosis, I did have that feeling of this is something I will get over eventually, going into therapy, I was hoping they could fix me. But the diagnosis brought on the realization that due to my trauma, and how long I went without any help, it wasn't a matter of I'll be fixed up and be able to get over it, but a matter of, learning ways to cope with something that will always be a part of my life.

I'm blabbering on (sorry, I'll confess, I'm on my 2nd glass of wine, and I rarely never post when I've had something to drink) but I guess my point..well my musing...is on how it's sort of confusing to me how someone would so easily accept this is something they have. It really is hell... It's hell to be able to go to work and have a few great days, weeks, months...and then be completely incapable of something so insanely simple like getting up off the couch. Of being terrified of having anyone depend on you for anything, knowing that I'm probably going to let them down because I will end up disappearing for several months. I feel like a complete disappointment and waste of a life. If it wasnt for being diagnosed...I woudl still be in denial, because I do not want this at all.