Can you feel empathy?

[Never_falter2]

I think she said she has no empathy for them cause they have no REAL problems, but maybe I got her wrong.

 

[Mee]

I think she said she has no empathy for them cause they have no REAL problems, but maybe I got her...

Everyone has real.problems. We might not know about them; they might deal with them differently, not share them, they might have processed them.

My starting point in interaction with others is everyone has ’stuff’. I might not have found their stuff big but it's tested them and been their experience. It might not have been trauma, as in the kind of stuff that we experienced, but every one has experienced stiff that had tested THEM. Most of us will have experienced things that are not natural and we shouldn’t have done : so people who might not have experienced our type of trauma are equally entitled to compassion.

I Drew the same interpretation as Eve though.

 

[Supervixn]

I have less empathy depending on circumstances and if Im more symptomatic I can't engage or access my empathy as well. I think the situations out more than just broadly empathizing. If I lied about it, it would make me look like a more compassionate person. Im just being honest and dont mean to push anyones buttons or offend. This doesn't make me a bad person its just my style.

The example with bfs grandma is one where I compared it to other elderly people I've known and seen suffer. Unable to afford medication, in constant pain, lonely etc. His grandmother had memory problems but didn't deal with a lot of physical pain. She was regularly visited by family in an upscale senior living place where she had her own seperate apartment, regular hair appointments at the on site salon, and nurses to check on her daily. She died in her sleep, in what I can imagine was not a painful death. It seemed peaceful.

How much empathy do i need to have with that, lol. I dont view death as a terrible thing unless its torturous and painful and or drawn out. Death is a part of life we all will experience one day. Instead of feeling sorry that she died, because what good is that anyway, I recognize and acknowledge her death as a comfortable one. She didn't have a long drawn out painful bout with cancer, lose a home because she couldn't afford treatment or go without treatment. I'm looking at it logically. People die.

 

[Neverthesame]

I recognize and acknowledge her death as a comfortable one.

I wouldn't call Alzheimer's a comfortable death.
Ever watch somebody die from it? I have. There's nothing comfortable or peaceful about it. The disease slowly shuts down the brain, until eventually it causes death by respiratory or cardiac arrest. In other words, until they forget how to breathe or beat their heart.
This is after a long drawn out period of increasing cognitive impairment, which is unpleasant for all involved.

She didn't have a long drawn out painful bout with cancer, lose a home because she couldn't afford treatment or go without treatment.

Not sure where you got this idea, it is not correct.
It is long and drawn out, painful too.

It's goes way beyond being forgetful. It's terrifying for them. They become violent from fear, attacking people or harming themselves.

When someone forgets that shit isn't a good medium for wall art, clothing, food, and or substitute for snowball fights.

^ This isn't a joke, or exaggeration. Sometimes they hold it in until they begin writhing around in agony from gastric pressure. Or develop bowel obstructions from eating things that aren't food. Or poison themselves, burn themselves in a bathtub or freeze themselves half to death wandering the streets lost in the winter.
They crash cars, burn down houses, starve themselves, it goes on and on. These are all very painful experiences. A second degree burn still hurts like a motherf*cker whether or not you remember how it got there.

They do also absolutely lose their homes when they progress to a point of needing 24hr care. It's always expensive too. The options are usually "Oh my God that's expensive!" Or "Not unless I win the lottery!" When they need 24hr care, they really do need it. Chaining a dementia patient to something solid so the carer can go to work is not an option for the thrifty.

Even though the memory loss is progressive it's not 100% persistent, it's transient. They might forget someone one day, remembering them the next. This means that are very much aware that their mind is being ripped away from them piece by piece, with nothing they can do about it. It frustrates and scares them until the day they die.

She was regularly visited by family in an upscale senior living place where she had her own seperate apartment, regular hair appointments at the on site salon, and nurses to check on her daily. She died in her sleep, in what I can imagine was not a painful death.

If she was still this lucid, she probably didn't die from the Alzheimer's. They don't care much about getting a haircut when they don't know how to swallow food anymore.

Lastly, unless you watched her take her final breaths, you've no idea that she didn't wake up and thrash about in her death throws.
The body is usually manipulated in such a way so as to ensure the family doesn't see the deceased with their mouth and eyes open in a silent scream. Scares the shit out of people who think everyone automatically looks like they're sleeping after they die.

Im just being honest and dont mean to push anyones buttons or offend.

I believe you. I'm not offended. This is just information for you, take it as you please.

 

[Tinyflame]

I've got to say, i do this ^^ care for a living, including end of life, and it can go that way- and also not. But under any cause, it's rarely 'easy' to die. Definitely, if someone needs 24 hour care, or has Alzheimer's disease it will lead to one of the disasters above, not if but when, without extensive help and steps to prevent it.

Funny thing though, I've almost never not worked out with people with it, even those others could not manage. Some things are in my favour: I am small, long hair, softer voice, so they know more easily I'm a woman. I'm described as gentle, can normally muster a lot of patience. But what I think is the real key, is creating a stop-gap of peace over-and-over, just like we need with ptsd. 'Hearing' the person, and 100% engagement (very different than distraction). Based on trust.

JMHO though.

Far as the original question goes, I can usually feel lots of empathy, but not for myself. I'm struggling this very second to convince myself of any. Which I feel very disqualified for/ no emotion about, except maybe ~selfishness or guilt, and pressure. Idk the words.

 

[Supervixn]

She didnt make it to the phase youre describing. Im not being schooled or educated on anything i didnt know already, i expressed my personal experience with empathizing with an example i provided. Everybody chillllllllllll... it's Saturday and we're alive lol. Relax folks

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, that's the thing I guess with empathy, it's one part understanding from the heart, not just the eyes or the mind.

 

[alfa]

Personally, I do not feel empathy. I may say things to reassure whoever I'm speaking with, but most of it doesn't come from my heart. Like other posters have said, we've become numb. I've been called a "rock" plenty of times due to an inability to express negative emotions, sympathy, and empathy. I've tried to change but it's always very fake.
I'm not sure about your friend, but if I were in that situation, I still would want to hear about what was going on in your life regardless. He might not be able to express any sort of empathy, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to know what's been happening.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think she said she has no empathy for them cause they have no REAL problems, but maybe I got her...

No, she did not say that either. It’s easy enough to go back and read what she said.

 

[Freida]

I agree with @Friday and @CdnCopper -- I think kind of like they do ...but here's even more into the mess.

If you are breathing and you ain't bleeding and nothings on fire - it's not an issue. I did a lot of years in 911 and while I do have empathy and sympathy (sometimes) I don't always respond like people want me to when they are hurt or sick. If I'm not dispatching an ambulance or doing cpr it sometimes doesn't even register that people want a response. Now add the numbness that comes with pstd and I can appear as a seriously hard hearted beotch. My friends call me out on it when necessary but otherwise? It's just how I'm wired.

And yes --- it gets me in trouble some times. Which usually just confuses me.

 

[Friday]

it gets me in trouble some times. Which usually just confuses me.

Right??? It’s like... this is a GOOD thing!

99% of the time when I’m gettin in trouble I’m all “Yay you! Way to go! Awesome!” especially around elective -and quite a lot of necessary- surgeries, sent home from the ER kind of stuff. ....Or the response “no” to the question “was anyone at home? Anyone hurt?” In response to break ins, MVAs, etc. Phew! Awesome! ...isn’t what some people seem to want to hear? I don’t get it. No one in their right mind wants to not be able to afford surgery, not have a surgeon available who can preform it, have to be admitted to hospital because they’re too sick/injured/likely, etc. so forth and so on... so I reeeeally don’t understand the mindset of “Tell me how awful and terrible good news is”. :O_o: My brain just breaks. Especially in the moment. I’m relieved, they’re pissed at me.

I flat out give up when it’s clearly solution time (okay, so let’s phone a locksmith, fix the door, book a hotel room, call a tow truck... very now stuff)... and they want to put off what needs to happen immediately to talk about how scary what didn’t happen could be if it did happen. Um. Can we put off the Ryder Haggard forays until after we’ve stopped the rain blowing into your living room? Got you settled into somewhere snug and warm and dry with a cup of hot tea? Then collapse at will? Maybe? No. Sigh. Clearly not. Yes, yes, vewy scawey. You know what would be scarier? If dude came back and just waltzed through your off the hinges door. So let’s fix that, shall we... and THAT was the wrong thing to say. Again. Dammit.

 

[Freida]

@Friday that was awesome -- and yes!!!!!