Cannot cry in therapy...or at all really

[Imnobodywhoareyou]

I've been going to therapy for 10 months, and I have only cried in therapy once. I cannot seem to allow myself to emotionally connect with my pain/trauma to process it and move forward. I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me. My T keeps telling me that I need to figure out a way to move passed the fear that is blocking me from doing so. I don't know how to do this. I spend most of the time very dissociated from my feelings when talki mg about my traumas bc it's the only way I can get the words out. It is affecting my emdr sessions tremendously bc I'm not allowing myself to fully connect with my target memories. Guess I'm just frustrated....can anyone relate or have any advice as to how to really feel and connect to my emotions?

 

[Friday]

How were you at crying beforehand?

Reason I ask is some people are criers; connect with it, feel relief from it, even enjoy it. Other people aren't. Either crying isn't how they connect with emotions, or crying makes them feel worse, & not crying is protective because feeling worse is a really bad idea right now.

 

[Imnobodywhoareyou]

I was emotionally void before starting therapy. I learned to shut down my feelings because I was conditioned to do so as a child and as a teen and adult, feeling was dangerous. It meant that I was losing control. I feel like I need to try. I want to cry. I just can't...

 

[Muted]

I understand, I would give it time. If it's major trauma your doing EMDR on, your parts may be protecting you from feeling it all at once, because that could overload you. You can still desensitize it gradually and that helps prevent being flooded and feeling everything at once.

Also, if there is a part that experienced the brunt of the trauma, whatever age that that part was created is the age that has to reexperience it in order to process it. Thankfully, with EMDR it process it much faster.

My T keeps telling me that I need to figure out a way to move passed the fear that is blocking me from doing so.

I completely respectfully disagree with your therapist, you cannot just move past the fear that's blocking it, because that fear is the part who's likely purpose is to protect you. Your therapist and you have to be able to work together and communicate with that part in a safe manner in order to find out specifically why that part was created, what's its purpose is and what it needs.

This isn't something you can tough out and push past, if either your t tries to force you to do that, there potentially will be MAJOR repercussions as a result. There has to be a level of respect for each and every part or they're not going to budge, because their job is to protect YOU!

 

[ladee]

I completely understand you !!! It took a lot of time for me to connect. No shame in that. Depends on how hard you were hammered for showing any feelings... I get that too... just be patient with yourself... feeling safe enough to do this takes time.. and it may not happen in the T's office... maybe after you are home and feel safe...

It was a sign of 'weakness' for me to cry. And like you, I wanted to, and it wasn't because I couldn't, it was because I had to do and learn a lot of other things first... to feel even remotely safe enough to cry.... When I was able to venture into that phase of healing, seems all I did was cry. Probably not, I just wasn't used to expressing thru tears.

You journey is very unique, just like you are... it will start to happen when it is time.... but you are aware there are tears there, so just be as patient as you can be... it will happen.... and sometimes still makes me angry... nothing is set in stone on this journey. For some of us, the crying takes longer... There is nothing WRONG with us.... it's simply not time and we don't feel safe enough to go there....

I really do understand. it's a complicated task to get to the tears for some of us... you are doing amazing if you know what you need to do eventually.... so give yourself a pat on the back and reassure yourself there is nothing WRONG with you.... you will get to it in due time.

 

[NightSky]

Yes. I am in the same boat. I've been with my T coming up on 2 years now. I've never cried in front of her. And if I start to feel even a little emotional I either laugh or shut down. So now, for the past few months, our work has been mainly on understanding why I am so afraid of emotions and starting to change those core beliefs. There's nothing I can do to change it. Like you, I just am too dissociated. So we are working a lot on staying present, and I am learning to identify how present I am in her office several times throughout each session. And she's learning ways to keep me there. It's working. But it's slow and frustrating. Keep at it. Figure out what it means to you when you're vulnerable and why. All of that is really important. It's not just that you "can't cry." You weren't born like that. So exploring the reasons is part of the work. You don't move past it. You move through it, with your T's help.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I really want to cry in front of my t, too and she knows this. She asks why and tells me I don't need to. Crying isn't a sign of anything. For me, I want to do it because I make it mean that I've finally opened up and have been vulnerable. But I've done that in other ways. So I still want to like it's a badge of honor but she's trying (pretty successfully) to instill in me the idea that things don't ever have to look a certain way to be completely ok. To accept where I am as it's something that's already whole.

 

[ladee]

What a great T @UnicornSightings , helping you to see 'wholeness' in a different way... how validating and supportive....

 

[anthony]

Guess I'm just frustrated....can anyone relate or have any advice as to how to really feel and connect to my emotions?

I'm not a crier nowadays. I could before the military -- doesn't come naturally anymore.

 

[Tinyflame]

I learned to never. I feel very terrified and ashamed if I do publically, at all.

It's terribly painful.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@Imnobodywhoareyou I was in the same place as you when I started therapy and it took me a while to be able to cry. Here are few things that help:

1. Being alone in my apartment.
2. Realizing that I am alone and no one can see me crying.
3. Imagine I am talking to a friend who went through the trauma.
4. Songs for me help.

It is still not alway easy to cry but it ns. I just cried for 15-20 minutes. These days I find it easier to cry sometimes I even shed few tears while walking in public.

 

[Imnobodywhoareyou]

Thank you all for your responses and will reply as soon as I can. I didn't mention that I am 6 months pregnant and have a 3 year old, so my life is a bit hectic these days. I find myself falling asleep as soon as my daughter is tucked in. Sleep....that's a whole different thread....my tiny womb gymnast has me up tonight. Off to attempt to rest. Thank you all again for your support and encouragement. It's good to know I'm not alone.