Relationship Communication Problems

[Sighs]

Sigh! My vet and I are really struggling at the moment. I know his stress cup is pretty full right now. And having combat PTSD the blue button seems to be activated a lot lately.He seems particularly annoyed by my communication style at the moment.

So, we've just bought a pedigree puppy. Her breed allows solid brown as well as brown and white coats. She has been registered as solid brown even though she has a few white hairs on one foot and a tiny sliver of white on her chest. My vet asked me if I thought the tiny amount of white "means she is not true to breed." My answer was "well, some of her littler mates were brown and white." He started yelling at me saying that didn't answer his question and why the hell can't I ever give a straight answer and what the hell is wrong with me anyway. Does anyone here understand my answer? Is it really that difficult to follow what I was driving at?

The next day we were talking about a potential new home for an newborn orphaned goat we've been bottle feeding. (See why his stress cup is pretty full atm?) The lady who wanted the goat was interested because she spins and weaves. My vet said to me "He (the goat) is not curly enough - she might not want him if he's not pure Angora." I said "Oh, she's not going to be able to resist him - he's too cute!" He started yelling and swearing at me saying that I can't seem to ever give a straight answer. He told me he hates these circular conversations and he's got to the stage that he doesn't even want to start a conversation with me because of it. He said I am getting worse and I wasn't like that when he met me. WTF? Again - surely my answer is not hard to understand???

I'm seriously thinking that if we can't even have a conversation then there is really no relationship left. We've been together almost 2 years. Guess the honeymoon is well and truly over. Not sure if the whole relationship is too.

 

[seedling]

I understand your answers. Not sure why they drive his behavior this way. Maybe straight, factual, yes or no type communication is easier for him. It's had to imagine that your communication style has changed that much over two years.
The two examples you gave were both about breeding in animals. Does this come up with unrelated subjects as well?

 

[Sighs]

Yes it does come up with unrelated subjects. We just happened to have a weekend filled with baby animals!

I'm aware that there was a communication problem in the incident which "broke the camel's back" so to speak and led to his PTSD diagnosis. So I know communication problems are a stressor for him.

Having said that I find it difficult to always answer "yes" or "no". I feel like my personality, spontaneity and sense of fun in the world is just being squashed. "Yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir."

 

[illusionist]

I can see this from both sides BUT it gives him no right to shout and swear at you...no right at all. When I'm stressed, on asking a question my brain can't process an answer that's not to the point. I'm hearing the words but they're jumbled in my head and I've got to decipher the answer out of that. So, on asking about the pedigree, I'd be looking for a yes, no, or unsure in the answer....same with the other question. When I'm not stressed your answer would be perfectly fine for me as I'd have the space to process it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

((Hugs)) I'm sorry you can't just say something offhanded in your own home without thinking about whether it is going to piss him off first.

 

[Sighs]

I knew he was stressed this weekend but so was I. We drove for 9 hours on the Sat and camped out overnight with our adult dog, a new puppy aged 8 weeks and a 3 day old goat that needed warm bottles every 4 hours. I can't always remember to factor in his need for me to do everything exactly "right".

Thanks @Sweetpea76 for the hugs! I feel terribly inadequate and as if I am making his PTSD worse because I'm not "up to scratch" all the time. The second time he saw he had upset me and apologised but frankly what's the point of the apology when I know it will happen again?

 

[illusionist]

You haven't done anything wrong....you just answered a question. I'd make damn sure if he tried that again, I wouldn't be standing there waiting for him to finish yelling at me....it go out of the room...then remind him of your boundaries when he'd calmed.

 

[darrenS]

as much as you need to set safe boundaries and enforce them , i think it may come from answers that are not hard and clear . there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you said , but while he is at near full stress level he may feel the need to grasp solid concepts, it may also be the fact that he is stressed and not finding a suitable way to recognise and deal with it - having PTSD does not give us the right to be abusive - i would simply turn and walk away - give it 10 mins and if his reactions still look iffy keep your distance until he can calm himself - you are not responsible for calming him or responsible for his reactions

 

[anonymous]

Maybe its a little bit o compromise? You know he's stressed right now, so perhaps make an effort to directly answer his question, but also add in your own embellishments. So in regards to the dog, for example, you could say "oh, other dogs of his breed have white areas and are purebred. His litter mates have white spots, so I don't think its anything to worry about!"

I have a feeling that this is one of those things that has been nagging at him for a long time. That is, the so called "circular" discussions have been going on since the beginning, but back then, it didn't bother him so much. Now that his cup is full, even though these answers aren't really so circular, they're getting on his last nerve and he is consequently lashing out.

Of course its not ok that he is lashing out at you like this. (Its very wrong, indeed.) Maybe give him some of the space he needs, and be sure to meet your needs as well?

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's the double standard of it all.

The logical part of your brain knows "he is sick, he can't help it, it's the PTSD and not him"... the emotional part of your brain is like "f*ck him, whatever flies out of his mouth is all good, but if I say ONE wrong word, or have the wrong tone or inflection, I'm the world's biggest idiot." It wears on you sometimes, and it's only natural to get a little resentful after being sworn at and yelled at.

 

[darrenS]

Maybe its a little bit o compromise?

I dont think there is compromise, i know i used to fly right off and felt i was right in doing so , compromise only gave me more room to further push a twisted argument. Now my ex wife immediately cuts the conversation and in doing so keeps me in check. I can get extremely angry when she cuts it off , but who am i going to yell at ? it soon sinks in...compromising on abusive reactions or behaviour in the case of ptsd only leads to more

 

[Sighs]

@Sweetpea76 hit the nail on the head perfectly. As I said, we were BOTH stressed and tired. He apparently gets to express his stress by being verbally abusive. I'm not allowed to give a slightly vague answer to a question.

Same goes for space and time out. If I take off to cool down myself or allow him to cool down then I am told "have your little rantie tanties on some other c*nts time". If he does it - well he needs space. He should be given all the time he needs. And when he gets back not a word should be said about it. All the better if his dinner is on the stove and a hot bath has been run... sigh!

Its not always possible to give him space. On the first occasion we were in the car, on a 4x4 only track, about 10km into a State Forest which has only one unmarked access track, about a 30 minute drive to the nearest town and a 3 and half hour drive home. All I can do is clench my jaw to stop crying (because the crying annoys him even more.)

I'm going to have to try to talk to him about this when his stress cup is less full... sigh!