Other Enhancing internal communication

[Ireusa]

It sounds like your protector part is feeling very vulnerable. I wonder if it's that part that needs to feel safer?

I found out more about my parts by giving them pages in a journal (we make collages of pictures we find in magazines and the internet), writing stories, and letting them draw pictures. Maybe the most important thing was for Big Wendell to just be quiet and listen. The way he protected was always to speak for the little ones. Sometimes he was afraid they would be hurt, even though they were safe with our therapist. Sometimes he was afraid of what they would say. Now, he tries to stay more quiet and the little ones know that they can ask him to be quiet, too.

Another point is to not get fixed that your parts are a certain way. I have found that my perceptions change, and the parts themselves change, too.

It takes a lot of practice, and compassion. Compassion might be the most important--knowing you are all related, as it were, and learning to respect one another.

All of us have experienced change. My protector used to be demeaning and critical towards me. Now she doesn't show emotions but it is mainly protective as in no name calling, etc. She is demeaning and wanting to get rid of my young self, the trauma holder. We are going to attempt to wake my young self up and my protector bekueves it will be too overwhelming for me and that it will bring chaos.

After last week's therapy session I'm starting to believe that she also is fearing either my young self or the memories. It would make sense, to hide behind anger. But how do I help a part who is not very conversational, doesn't do many emotions and is normally in charge? How do I make my protector be more engaged in therapy so that she can also get support? Or maybe shift to be more compassionate instead of fearing/critizising?

I'm not doing too good with all of this happening. Thank you for your insights and your support.

 

[Ireusa]

One of my protectors prevents young ones from remembering. Protector has all kinds of ways to prevent memories from surfacing.

We enlisted P to help let her remember one thing. Just one, just briefly, then close the door. It was letting her remember her favorite doll. P needed to learn how to let one thing come forward and how to stop further memories from flooding. As Protector she had had her foot firmly on the closed door. It was staying closed!

Next asked for only favorite color. Slow process. But when we got to a potential problem...a room...we asked P if she wanted other protectors to be around to help. In case the door got stuck. At first she took offense..perfectly capable of doing her job..but said ok.

We had to retrain Protector in a more helpful way to do her job. At times she slammed the door shut. But then she learned there were others who were willing to come comfort her protectee. But P retains the power to slam the door..her purpose/duty. We get to make improvements in T & in the way the system functions together.

No way do my Protectors understand therapy, it's goals, it's benefits. They know their job, dedicated to it, do it well. We still need them doing it too. Just a little change in how they carry out their mission.

I'm glad you're making so much improvement! That is a lot!

We have also come a long way. My young self had been trapped all these years in the garage "where stuff happened". In July we took her out of there, demolished the whole house and took her to my safe space: a cozy room with a disappearing door. Nobody but me can get in but my protector, who initially agreed to help us get her out of there, has been freaking out with the prospect of waking my young self up.
My protector is stuck on believing that it will bring chaos and it will overwhelm me. Even though I am very scared as well, I really want to make it happen and every day my young self keeps on not waking up is another day she hasn't experienced safety and love.
I'm trying to explain -as I read in Coping with trauma-related dissociation- that when my young self finally feels safe everything will calm down but my protector is stuck in her ways and its been a few months already.

This is crushing me.

Thank you for your support.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I have been recently diagnosed with a dissociative disorder (in addition to PTSD, which I already knew).

I have been doing trauma therapy with an amazing therapist and parts work specifically for quite a few months now.

Right now 2 of my -broad- goals are:

*Reducing compartmentalization.
*Enhancing affect regulation.

I understand that practice and lots of internal communication could be the answer. I'm not good at internal communication. I do journal and sometimes my protector chips in.

I know that therapy is most productive when there is hard work both in and out of therapy. I do work very hard, but I feel that if I could get my protector more engaged it would really help.

She is currently not agreeing with waking up my young self, who is the trauma holder. Therefore, things are paused as of now. I am trying to teach her compassion by being compassionate but no luck so far.

What insight or ideas could you give me so that my protector is more engaged in therapy/is more compassionate?

I'm feeling a little defeated and I need help.

I use two methods to get the protector to lighten up.
First, my protectors have to trust me.....and they have to feel I listen, and respect their opinion. So, creating a relationship with your protector.....an essential component. Creating a relationship with your memory keeper....also super important. So, these are only things I have done....and doesn't mean they will work for you.

All of your protective parts have stayed hidden, and as children....they missed fun. So, incorporating daily fun really helped:
Food: Once a week, a favorite food.....I had kinda like Friday fun night....food, fun, relax (and play with little ones can be helpful, too). Include your parts in determining what to do.....and they'll feel respected and begin to respond...also, it will reduce conflict and you will be having a positive time in the process..
Favorite movies w/o violence having a happy ending.....are safe and fun.....protector can come watch....give an invite....and if there is a specific movie.....get Netflix or Prime.
Art.....get your parts to draw, use glitter, clay, use pastels or colored pencils......it is calming
Teach them compassion, sending cards to people, making cookies as a gift, helping others.....
Explain that they live inside of your body, so caring for the body is essential.....this involves functional skills and safety, too.
Jobs-there are all kinds of jobs your protector can do (help you recall your routine in the morning and evening-meds, time to get up, lock doors....think of everything safety.....and get protector on board keeping you safe in the here and now....that has been really beneficial.....protector needs a new job before quitting the old one.
Just my thoughts.

Fun things can also help wake up the little one...the one with the memories.....and it will not disclose if it doesn't feel safe to do so....so it has to learn to trust you, too......Give little one a lot of attention, a stuffed animal, a soft blanket, go to the zoo-animals might be popular, swimming....the water feels nice, and so forth. You are raising your inner child....what would you like to teach it?

 

[Wendell_R]

Maybe it helps to get to know Protector outside the therapist's office, and without any plan or agenda other than getting to know her. I know my teen kids talk more the fewer the number of questions I ask them. Do you know if Protector is interested in anything? Has a favorite place? Is willing to just be with you on a walk if you promise not to talk?

 

[TruthSeeker]

I know that once my protector could feel a bit of happiness via fun-then he wanted that for the little ones......fun became a way the major parts connected. When my protector relaxed....and felt safer, then it lightened up on the little ones. When they had fun, he wasn't so resistant.

 

[Ireusa]

I use two methods to get the protector to lighten up.
First, my protectors have to trust me.....and they have to feel I listen, and respect their opinion. So, creating a relationship with your protector.....an essential component. Creating a relationship with your memory keeper....also super important. So, these are only things I have done....and doesn't mean they will work for you.

All of your protective parts have stayed hidden, and as children....they missed fun. So, incorporating daily fun really helped:
Food: Once a week, a favorite food.....I had kinda like Friday fun night....food, fun, relax (and play with little ones can be helpful, too). Include your parts in determining what to do.....and they'll feel respected and begin to respond...also, it will reduce conflict and you will be having a positive time in the process..
Favorite movies w/o violence having a happy ending.....are safe and fun.....protector can come watch....give an invite....and if there is a specific movie.....get Netflix or Prime.
Art.....get your parts to draw, use glitter, clay, use pastels or colored pencils......it is calming
Teach them compassion, sending cards to people, making cookies as a gift, helping others.....
Explain that they live inside of your body, so caring for the body is essential.....this involves functional skills and safety, too.
Jobs-there are all kinds of jobs your protector can do (help you recall your routine in the morning and evening-meds, time to get up, lock doors....think of everything safety.....and get protector on board keeping you safe in the here and now....that has been really beneficial.....protector needs a new job before quitting the old one.
Just my thoughts.

Fun things can also help wake up the little one...the one with the memories.....and it will not disclose if it doesn't feel safe to do so....so it has to learn to trust you, too......Give little one a lot of attention, a stuffed animal, a soft blanket, go to the zoo-animals might be popular, swimming....the water feels nice, and so forth. You are raising your inner child....what would you like to teach it?

Thank you so much for all these ideas. If I'm honest I'm a little overwhelmed with this. It's not that new. But it is new that I'm trying to change things around and actually listen to my young self and try to have some harmony...

I am very grategul for all the info yand ideas you shared. Some times I do fun things and think about them. But since my young self is asleep/paused I don't know if it makes sense or if she is even aware. That is why I'd love for her to wake up, even if it is very scary at first.

Oh well. You gave me lots to think about.

I know that once my protector could feel a bit of happiness via fun-then he wanted that for the little ones......fun became a way the major parts connected. When my protector relaxed....and felt safer, then it lightened up on the little ones. When they had fun, he wasn't so resistant.

This is such a great idea. She tends to get active when I'm triggered but maybe I could try to share some fun things or communicate more.

It is funny that you asked about her interests because that is part of my homework from therapy this week. To try to learn more about my protector, what she likes, her interests, etc. I know a few things, but would benefit knowing more from her. She is/was very cold and reactive so this is somewhat recent that she is open to a little conversation. Sshe is otherwise guarded and not very trusting. She did talk for the 1st time to my therapist about 3 weeks ago. It didn't go that well, but it is progress and I'm grateful.

She does have her safe space inside. I'm thinking about adding stuff for her. I've started to get a coffee omw to therapy thinking she could like it. I'm trying. It is just hard, for her to open up and become unstuck and for me to get a handle on how to get better at internal communication.

Thank you so much for your help.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Thank you so much for all these ideas. If I'm honest I'm a little overwhelmed with this. It's not that new. But it is new that I'm trying to change things around and actually listen to my young self and try to have some harmony...

I am very grategul for all the info yand ideas you shared. Some times I do fun things and think about them. But since my young self is asleep/paused I don't know if it makes sense or if she is even aware. That is why I'd love for her to wake up, even if it is very scary at first.

Oh well. You gave me lots to think about.


This is such a great idea. She tends to get active when I'm triggered but maybe I could try to share some fun things or communicate more.

It is funny that you asked about her interests because that is part of my homework from therapy this week. To try to learn more about my protector, what she likes, her interests, etc. I know a few things, but would benefit knowing more from her. She is/was very cold and reactive so this is somewhat recent that she is open to a little conversation. Sshe is otherwise guarded and not very trusting. She did talk for the 1st time to my therapist about 3 weeks ago. It didn't go that well, but it is progress and I'm grateful.

She does have her safe space inside. I'm thinking about adding stuff for her. I've started to get a coffee omw to therapy thinking she could like it. I'm trying. It is just hard, for her to open up and become unstuck and for me to get a handle on how to get better at internal communication.

Thank you so much for your help.

@Ireusa I tried writing to mine questions on a piece of paper and if I drew a blank, I'd read it and try asking later....I started with yes/no answers.....and I got mental answers for yes-and nothing for no......and wrote the answers down next to the question. Sounds dumb, but if it was a question about doing something....then I tried it and if I had fun (and didn't get any protective feedback) I kinda assumed it wasn't a bad experience for my protector. So, simple stuff like getting on a swing-how did it feel?, going to the zoo and checking out the animals-how did it feel, playing with your neices/nephews-how did it feel, watching a disney movie, do and then check how you feel in general and write it down. That's kinda how I started (dancing to loud music when nobody was home and mowing the lawn using the tractor mower-both a big hit and I felt really great afterwards)....sounds silly to write...but keeping track on paper my feelings about an activity or event... helped, a lot, too.

 

[Ireusa]

@Ireusa I tried writing to mine questions on a piece of paper and if I drew a blank, I'd read it and try asking later....I started with yes/no answers.....and I got mental answers for yes-and nothing for no......and wrote the answers down next to the question. Sounds dumb, but if it was a question about doing something....then I tried it and if I had fun (and didn't get any protective feedback) I kinda assumed it wasn't a bad experience for my protector. So, simple stuff like getting on a swing-how did it feel?, going to the zoo and checking out the animals-how did it feel, playing with your neices/nephews-how did it feel, watching a disney movie, do and then check how you feel in general and write it down. That's kinda how I started (dancing to loud music when nobody was home and mowing the lawn using the tractor mower-both a big hit and I felt really great afterwards)....sounds silly to write...but keeping track on paper my feelings about an activity or event... helped, a lot, too.

Thank you for sharing. It doesn't sound silly at all. I'll do more of those, definitely. ?

 

[TruthSeeker]

@Ireusa I'm thinking that your little one could just be quiet.....mine can feel close, and then so very distant.....where communication is challenging. When parts are close, they are felt and sometimes comment, or want a special food, to cut the grass on the mower...a favorite. When they are distant....the time frame, that part of me is less available....harder to remember that time period of that part, but vague......and the memories are far away too. I don't know if that helps. So, I look at it from a distance point of view....how far away from myself personally does that child part feel? It will wake up......when it trusts you.....and you are acknowledging it....and protector lightens up a bit. Go to Michael's or Hobby Lobby....
lots of fun stuff there!

 

[Ireusa]

@Ireusa I'm thinking that your little one could just be quiet.....mine can feel close, and then so very distant.....where communication is challenging. When parts are close, they are felt and sometimes comment, or want a special food, to cut the grass on the mower...a favorite. When they are distant....the time frame, that part of me is less available....harder to remember that time period of that part, but vague......and the memories are far away too. I don't know if that helps. So, I look at it from a distance point of view....how far away from myself personally does that child part feel? It will wake up......when it trusts you.....and you are acknowledging it....and protector lightens up a bit. Go to Michael's or Hobby Lobby....
lots of fun stuff there!

Such a compassionate tender response. Thank you!

 

[shatter eyes]

I began to know my different parts not too long ago. I noticed for me when i relate and accept the child then the protector actually steps back more as i gain control of awareness instead being on auto pilot. Doodling, writing, taking time to try to remember my day helps, journals help, and working with my T.

I have a purple whale that squirts water in the bath and floats. Doors locked, shower curtain closed, very dim light, i feel safe when there is silence and just the sounds i am aware of. Splish splash swims the whale...squirt. This is when the protector rests and that is good because when he is tired everything gets amplified and he protects me by getting very aggressive which is often not appropriate for the context.

 

[Ireusa]

I began to know my different parts not too long ago. I noticed for me when i relate and accept the child then the protector actually steps back more as i gain control of awareness instead being on auto pilot. Doodling, writing, taking time to try to remember my day helps, journals help, and working with my T.

I have a purple whale that squirts water in the bath and floats. Doors locked, shower curtain closed, very dim light, i feel safe when there is silence and just the sounds i am aware of. Splish splash swims the whale...squirt. This is when the protector rests and that is good because when he is tired everything gets amplified and he protects me by getting very aggressive which is often not appropriate for the context.

I'm having a hard time understanding the part of accepting the child so that the protector steps back.

In my case my protector protects me from the trauma holder. She used to be more of a persecutor, if that makes sense. She used to be demeaning and hurtful towards myself as well but she's calmed down a bit. Now she is only demeaning and hurtful towards my young self, but she is starting to become curious and accept there could be other answers/nothing is black&white.

I like coloring pages and so do both my protector and my young self. My young self is paused/asleep as of now so she doesn't get to experience much of anything really.

I am very grateful for all the support I am getting. Thank you!