Fed Up With The Rollercoaster Of Emotion

[KP the nut]

I live in such a nice little town (pop 6500 ish). It is nice to go through the town (well one small street) and be stopped to chat by people you know, even people you don't know speak - it is so friendly and safe.

There is a couple of vacancies on the town council and I'm interested in becoming a councillor. It would keep me busy whilst out of work and keep my name 'out there'. Reputation is key and lots of opportunities could develop. I saw one of the current councillors and asked him, he though I'd be brilliant (his word), but that there was also a paid job going. 10 hours per week as a finance officer managing the town councils finances. Finances are not my main strength but I do have knowledge and I'm a quick learner (well I used to be). The role would also involve finding new grants, well that has been my bread and butter for a number of years. So I am going to investigate it further.

I'd love to work local, no commuting, being close to home and in a friendly environment. So watch this space. Our local medical practice has an patient participation scheme, where patients give their views on services etc, so I'll speak to them about that.

I do know I need to fill the hours with something positive or I will sit here doing sod all for my life.

I felt a bit low when I went out this morning but people are so nice.

 

[Froggie]

I made fudge for you all - enjoy

(((KP))) now I gained some more pounds/kilos just looking at it :p

 

[intothelight]

Kath,

Wow am I proud of you! What a great example of dealing with what myself (and a few others I've talked to) have been facing.

Whilst H and I were sat in the garden yesterday I tried to tell him about my fears if I can't cope working full time, he just thinks I will get over this, I'm not sure. Work has been such an effort, yes I enjoy it but the constant trying to keep in the moment and the commuting is just too much.

It is hard to recognize in ourselves the things that have changed. We are not exactly like we were before, and it is also really frustrating to have people not accept it for what is it "change".

I'd love to work local, no commuting, being close to home and in a friendly environment.

I am so happy for you that you have found a solution that will work for you. It is wonderful to see the words "I'd love".

Kath, if I read more into this than there is, please ignore me. I am just very happy for you.

Deb

 

[KP the nut]

Since the weekend I have felt so good. I feel as if a thick blanket of dispair has been lifted off me. I feel in control of PTSD.

On Friday, there was a major fire next to where I work. I could just hear sirens all afternoon, I was able to stay calm and grounded. I didn't know the cause until I left work. My usual roads were closed and there were 9 fire appliances, with blue lights flashing. A few months ago I would have had to pull over and compose myself, but although I was alert, a bit shakey and my heart was pounding I controlled it.

This is my last week at work, only 2 days left. I've need a nap each day after working full days but again I did it. I didn't feel guilty over taking the time I needed. Maybe I am starting to value me for who I am now.

T today was great, we cleared a target. I've realised how far I have come, how much progress I've made. I couldn't have done it alone, my family are amazing, my T is wonderful, my friends supportive and then there is all of you - thank-you.

I also had a dental appointment, 60 minutes of yuck but I now have 2 new teeth in my bottom right jaw.

Bedtime now, work in the morning.

((HUGS))

 

[Reclusive]

It's so good to hear about all your progress, KP! Especially with all those sirens and what not next to your work - you must be really proud of your self - as you should be! :D

 

[KP the nut]

How can such a good day and T session result in the worst nightmares for ages. I seemed to stumble from one to the next, each becoming more disturbing and vile. I've left a message for T.

Feeling v tired but I am at work.

((HUGS))
Linking arms

 

[Reclusive]

::linking arms::

Probably all the junk you stirred up getting moved to the top and processed. It's good to get all the nightmares out and each healthy step you take will clear out more.

 

[KP the nut]

: It's good to get all the nightmares out and each healthy step you take will clear out more.

(((HUGS))), that is just about what T said when he returned my call. I told him they were unrelated but he disagreed as they all ended up with me being trapped in some way - v yucky.

Last night was slightly better in that I can't remember the nightmare, just that I woke up shouting and screaming - just as well H has a strong heart.

Today is my last day at work. A colleague/close friend has just come in and is close to tears. I have leaving drinks at lunchtime to get through but even worse is the speeches and presentation which she has warned me about. I don't know how I will be, probably a quivering, tearful, nervous wreck.

If I didn't love the people and job so much it would be different. I'll go through the loss of the job all over again.

 

[Reclusive]

Well, try to calm your nerves and imagine the drinks and the presentation and the speech are big warm cuddly blankets that your fellow employees are trying to give you to take with you, so you'll never be cold and alone.

 

[intothelight]

KP,

You really are an inspiration. I am proud to link arms with you.:)

Deb

 

[KP the nut]

Thank you. It wasn't too bad. I have some lovely gifts including some lanterns for my patio. Everyone has bee so kind and thoughtful. I'm still at work. My email boxes are empty. I've left an out of office message, and kept it
clean :rolleyes:.

Now I am just trying to chill before I head for home.

I've still left the tissues on my desk for the last goodbyes :cry::cry:. Although I'll see everyone for lunch regularly.

 

[KP the nut]

Today is the first day I am officially without a job:eek:. I had to go for an interview at the Jobcentre to make a claim for unemployment benefit. Forms, questions, more forms, probing. Calling it a 'Jobcentre' is a joke as there are not jobs - can I get them under misleading advertising :rolleyes:. V poor attempt at humour, sorry.

So I feel like crap, I am an unemployment statistic. No T this week so all the thoughts are building inside me. I am a volcano waiting to explode.

Self loathing racing in like an unstopable tidal wave. And there was me thinking I was coping well. So stupid - again.