Fed Up With The Rollercoaster Of Emotion

[AngelaMarie]

KP,
(((Hug))) Hang in there! At the end of the rain the sun always comes back out.;)

 

[KP the nut]

I am falling back a little today. Since therapy last week I have not had any time to myself, I have been constantly on the go, pushing myself forward.

Yesterday my daughter went home and today H has gone away on business. I am trying not to be hard on myself, but I have done none of the chores I was going to do. I keep thinking of the week ahead, the nightmares I keep having, Wednesdays therapy session, my father, being bullied, being left and alone.

I need to be kind to myself, to forgive myself for not being the person I want to be. I just feel so worthless, how can anyone like me when I don't like myself.

 

[AngelaMarie]

(((KP))) I like you! You also like me and other people on the forum when we do not like ourselves. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You have done excellent with your daughters and husband this weekend. You also helped drive people around this week that wouldn't have been able to get there without you. You did everything in spite of nightmares and very little sleep.

I think it's kind of normal to feel a let down and alone after you have been around your family for a while.

 

[Reclusive]

(((KP))) ::linking arms:: You've been doing SO MUCH lately, it's no wonder you're feeling a little down. Definitely be kind to yourself, give yourself a break, and take a little down time if you can. Maybe journal some of those feelings out and save it for your T when you have another appointment. Hang in there!

 

[KP the nut]

I am continuing to fight, to try and be positive, to be kind to myself.

It is so f***ing hard. I keep telling my self my dreams are my mind continuing to process memories - crap.

I'm here I'm managing but I feel so overwhelmed. The dogs have helped me so much today. Good doggies.

Thank you to the friends who have talked to me and helped when it started to become to much.

((HUGS))

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((KP)))))

You have worth to me. You are real to me. You're not alone, nor are you a bad person because you're overwhelmed...

 

[KP the nut]

So another rejection this morning. A letter confirming I did not get the job I was interviewed for on Tuesday. Crap.

 

[KP the nut]

The past couple of weeks have been good. Lots of quality time with my H, the sun has shone and we have made some memories to hold on to.

I am into a daily routine, I do things, I volunteer and this is a bit one, I am beginning to manage my symptoms successfully - or so I thought. I haven't had T this week as he was away. The last session was good, I really pushed and we cleared a target. We have one more target to clear and then we will do a forward plan - after that I will be on my own.

We were working on why I feel so trapped, confined, scared ............ and why these were surfacing in nightmares. T helped me remember 2 memories, one from childhood when I locked myself in an airing cupboard and the other during treatment in hospital when I was 17. We cleared the airing cupboard one and next week will start on the hospital memory. I am already well over my allocated 20 sessions and I know we can't keep deeling with new stuff coming up.

Last night I had another memory come back to me, I woke scared and shaking. It has been in my subconsious for 42 years so why now, why couldn't it have stayed hidden. Someone (I won't say who) locked me in an outhouse, it was dark and there were spiders (I've always had a deep fear of spiders). The only light came from around gaps around the door. This person then told me 'here's lunch' and she pushed a bread crust under the door. I can remember completely freaking out, screaming, shouting, clawing at the door, sorry can't finish.

 

[KP the nut]

Feeling calmer again, thanks to chatting about other things and laughing with a friend here.

I don't know how long I was locked in the outhouse. I think the noise I was making scared her, I know she meant it as a joke but there was nothing funny about it. I'd forgotten all about it and now feel sick that I have remembered.

I don't know weather to tell T as he has already told me we can't work on any more issues and I am supressing other things.

It was all going too well. Now I'm back to being anxious, I've started shaking again and I just want to isolate myself. At the same time I know I have come too far to allow myself to do that, so must just keep fighting.

 

[Sazza]

((((Kp)))))

Sorry you are struggling with this right now maybe just mention to T needs know where you are at. Sorry no wise words at moment but you are an inspiration in the way you fight things and have moved forward so keep at it.

Sazza

 

[KP the nut]

Thanks Sazza, your support is appreciated.

 

[KP the nut]

Then I read other posts and think WTF have I got to complain about. Others are dealing with far worse crap. Then all the 'bad' 'negative' stuff comes into my head.

The I SHOULD be able to deal with this
I USED to cope with life
I OUGHT to be stronger

I am trying to cut myself some slack and be kind and forgiving to myself. I feel such a useless, pathetic example of a person. I want to shake myself by the neck and scream at myself to GET OVER IT - SH*T HAPPENS - LIVE WITH IT.

Worthless, worthless, worthless