((((Reclusive, Brontie, Deer, PH, Robin, Anni, Marie, Froggie))))
I love you all. Thank you for all the lovely messages. OK news time.
1st Scotland.
I did take diazepam. Just 5mg. The journey was OK. I hid my fidgety hands under my scarf so H wouldn't notice - it annoys him when I fiddle and twiddle fingers. I resisted shouting out and if I was concerned or there was a lot of traffic, I closed my eyes and practised grounding. There were only 2 times when I shouted out.
The hotel was lovely, we were upgraded. The room had a nice view of a nature reserve which was popular with dog walkers. We arrived on the Thursday night and had supper in the hotel.
H had to work all day Friday so I had the day to myself. T suggested I took a bus into Edinburgh and did some shopping, no, that would have been too much, too many what ifs and panic moments. Instead I had a late breakfast and then sat in the lounge with my feet curled up either reading or listening to my audio book. Then I put off the excuses I was thinking of and went for a swim (it was bliss, I was the only one there) and then for a sauna. I lay back in the sauna and did some grounding exercises, wow, it was so relaxing, the heat easing away the tension. After that I went back to the room for a nice shower and more reading whilst watching the coming and going at the nature reserve.
On Friday night we went into Edinburgh for supper. On Saturday we spent the day wandering around Edinburgh. We were so lucky with the weather which was sunny but cold, nice to walk in. As we were on a budget we bought party food for supper and spent the night in the hotel room, listening to music, reading, grazing on party food and drinking the champagne we'd brought from home.
Once we had checked out on Sunday we were going to drive down to visit my brother and then on to visit and spend the night with my daughter. It was wonderful to see them both. We had supper with my daughter and spent Monday with her as well.
We arrived home safely on Monday evening. The dogs were so pleased to see us, it was a lovely welcome. I was pleased I had completed the trip and had not had any major panics.
2nd The dreaded Appeal.
After having a lovely relaxed breakfast in the park in the sunshine. H and I settled down to look at the appeal documents which had arrived the previous Wed. It wasn't to bad. We were due to meet with the union man an hour and a half before the appeal. We agreed he would do most of the talking to present the case. I did answer some questions. I also gave into drugs and took a diazepam. The appeal was awful, myself and the union man, my bullying boss and her HR rep, then the Chief Exec (it will be his decision) and his HR person. I think it went well, it certainly came out that the company had done things wrong. At the end my bullying boss just picked up her papers and stalked out - not a happy bunny. I was just relieved it was over. I now have to wait for the decision. Once home, I did relish life in the form of chocolate.
3rd Therapy
Todays session was so hard. I wouldn't give in and stop the session even when I was sat shaking, with tears rolling down my face. T paused it and told me it wasn't a contest for how long I can last. I remembered things, being trapped and crushed in the car. Remembered feeling so alone and scared and finally remembering that I thought I was going to die, trapped in the car. Very powerful. It took me a while to come back into the room. T just kept saying I was safe, I was in the room with him. We finished be grounding exercises and even though I waited the usual 15 minutes before getting into the car to drive home, I still felt as if I was not totally in the here and now.
T wants me to aim to go for 3 drives this week. Urrgh.
So that was my week. it is so good to be back, I did miss you all. I kept thinking of you all with me linking arms and sending love.
(((HUGS)))
KP
