Hi, my names Anju, I've never posted on this site or anywhere on the matter in fact but I think I need to deal with this now. Thanks ahead of time if you read my story, I really appreciate it.
I was 15, and I was the last one to see her alive, she dropped me off at school. She never picked me up from school, and after waiting for 30 minutes I ran home and for some weird reason I knew she was dead from the getgo..she was always trying to kill herself or running away so it was in me and my brother from a young age to fear the worst and expect it. I banged on the doors at home for an hour (had no key) and climbed the roof and tried opening every window. I though she would be lying dead in her room upstairs, over dosed on her depression pills. Sittin on the roof crying and looking thru the windows however I couldn't see herr, maybe she was in a closet I had been thinking. She was home for sure, the car was home.
My brother finally came, and he had just pressed the garage door opener on his car as he was pulling into the doorway as I had ducked under the garage, frantic to get inside and find her and save my mommy.
I chucked my shoes off in the garage, and opened the door leading to the entry. The entry has stairs that lead to upstairs and I was convinced she was upstairs somewhere so I was planning on sprintin up the stairs, but my mom had different plans.
I had thrown my shoes off and entered the entry to run up the stairs when it felt like a freightliner truck slammed into me and I let out a blood wrenching horrifying scream. My siblings were still outside but came seconds after my scream an horror. My mom had hung herself on the stairs.
I was the first one to see her dead, the last to see her alive. Even typing this really scares me..
From that day on, I forgot who my mom was for 2 good years. When my family was crying for my mom and grieving her I was crying because of how scared and horrified I feel. I developed a twitch, and codnt sleep alone for 2 years. It's only been 3 Years sonce she passed.
I think about her hanging there every day. Even when my PTSD isn't bad, I still picture her even while doing casual things like hanging out with a friend, eating a sandwich..
I only started to remember who my mom was (and not the corpse I found hangin there) this year
I'm so terrified of strangers, I have nightmares almost everyday but never of the event, but instead it's always someone or something killin me or hunting me down.
I'm almost 19 but when I'm home alone I take ridiculous measures to keep safe. I still live in the same house as 3 years ago so I put up barricades between me and the stairs, I check every closet, every bed, behind every couch. Sometimes I get an urge to turn around or look somewhere, because they're might be something. God knows what.
I can't sleep without a night light on still.. I get startled so easily.
This is everyday.
However when I get very stressed over homework school money or relatiozns, I feel the PTSD spirals uncontrollably and I find myself in these "episodes" that lat a day to two weeks.
Iose all motivation in these episodes, I don't care how badly I mess everything up. I eat bad, abuse things yell get angry get depressed cry starve myself binge yell; I ruin my life during these episodes.
Then..something inside me will tell me to get back up, that I can defeat this, so I recover (takes a day or two) and deal with my stress and work out and start being social again and all is well (minus the hyper vigilance that stays with ne ALL the time)
I haven't told a soul of this.. Of any of this. I know my brother and sister and Dad have recovered healthily from my moms passing.. They're stable and hsppy. I find happy comes and goes so quickly. It only stays if I'm not stressed, but it takes so little for me to be stressed and fall into my pit of horrors :(
I don't know what to do. Little things trigger me off into these episodes. For instance I found out this girl in y town commit suicide. I didn't know her and none of my friends even knew her but I can't stop looking at he'd face book and pictures and crying and that just made me fall back info these PTSD like symptoms.
Can someone please help me, is this PTSD? To fall in and out of the secondary symptoms (anxiety and depression) when triggered? What should I do? My famil doctor is horrible really, he had my mom eating around 8 anti depressants a day for years before she passed away.
***I'm super sorry for the horrible spelling and misplaced words, lol I typed it on my iPod and auto correct worked it's magic
I also dont have night sweats or have really vivid images pop up in my head like some PTSD sufferers do.
I was also molested from the age of 5-10 by my cousin. But I have no negative feelings toward the incident. I isn't tell anyone and don't plan on doing so because is so blocked off to me I feel no emotions towards the incident besides embarrassment
I was 15, and I was the last one to see her alive, she dropped me off at school. She never picked me up from school, and after waiting for 30 minutes I ran home and for some weird reason I knew she was dead from the getgo..she was always trying to kill herself or running away so it was in me and my brother from a young age to fear the worst and expect it. I banged on the doors at home for an hour (had no key) and climbed the roof and tried opening every window. I though she would be lying dead in her room upstairs, over dosed on her depression pills. Sittin on the roof crying and looking thru the windows however I couldn't see herr, maybe she was in a closet I had been thinking. She was home for sure, the car was home.
My brother finally came, and he had just pressed the garage door opener on his car as he was pulling into the doorway as I had ducked under the garage, frantic to get inside and find her and save my mommy.
I chucked my shoes off in the garage, and opened the door leading to the entry. The entry has stairs that lead to upstairs and I was convinced she was upstairs somewhere so I was planning on sprintin up the stairs, but my mom had different plans.
I had thrown my shoes off and entered the entry to run up the stairs when it felt like a freightliner truck slammed into me and I let out a blood wrenching horrifying scream. My siblings were still outside but came seconds after my scream an horror. My mom had hung herself on the stairs.
I was the first one to see her dead, the last to see her alive. Even typing this really scares me..
From that day on, I forgot who my mom was for 2 good years. When my family was crying for my mom and grieving her I was crying because of how scared and horrified I feel. I developed a twitch, and codnt sleep alone for 2 years. It's only been 3 Years sonce she passed.
I think about her hanging there every day. Even when my PTSD isn't bad, I still picture her even while doing casual things like hanging out with a friend, eating a sandwich..
I only started to remember who my mom was (and not the corpse I found hangin there) this year
I'm so terrified of strangers, I have nightmares almost everyday but never of the event, but instead it's always someone or something killin me or hunting me down.
I'm almost 19 but when I'm home alone I take ridiculous measures to keep safe. I still live in the same house as 3 years ago so I put up barricades between me and the stairs, I check every closet, every bed, behind every couch. Sometimes I get an urge to turn around or look somewhere, because they're might be something. God knows what.
I can't sleep without a night light on still.. I get startled so easily.
This is everyday.
However when I get very stressed over homework school money or relatiozns, I feel the PTSD spirals uncontrollably and I find myself in these "episodes" that lat a day to two weeks.
Iose all motivation in these episodes, I don't care how badly I mess everything up. I eat bad, abuse things yell get angry get depressed cry starve myself binge yell; I ruin my life during these episodes.
Then..something inside me will tell me to get back up, that I can defeat this, so I recover (takes a day or two) and deal with my stress and work out and start being social again and all is well (minus the hyper vigilance that stays with ne ALL the time)
I haven't told a soul of this.. Of any of this. I know my brother and sister and Dad have recovered healthily from my moms passing.. They're stable and hsppy. I find happy comes and goes so quickly. It only stays if I'm not stressed, but it takes so little for me to be stressed and fall into my pit of horrors :(
I don't know what to do. Little things trigger me off into these episodes. For instance I found out this girl in y town commit suicide. I didn't know her and none of my friends even knew her but I can't stop looking at he'd face book and pictures and crying and that just made me fall back info these PTSD like symptoms.
Can someone please help me, is this PTSD? To fall in and out of the secondary symptoms (anxiety and depression) when triggered? What should I do? My famil doctor is horrible really, he had my mom eating around 8 anti depressants a day for years before she passed away.
***I'm super sorry for the horrible spelling and misplaced words, lol I typed it on my iPod and auto correct worked it's magic
I also dont have night sweats or have really vivid images pop up in my head like some PTSD sufferers do.
I was also molested from the age of 5-10 by my cousin. But I have no negative feelings toward the incident. I isn't tell anyone and don't plan on doing so because is so blocked off to me I feel no emotions towards the incident besides embarrassment
