Undiagnosed First One To Find My Moms Body (strangled Herself) At 15

[Anju5]

Hi, my names Anju, I've never posted on this site or anywhere on the matter in fact but I think I need to deal with this now. Thanks ahead of time if you read my story, I really appreciate it.

I was 15, and I was the last one to see her alive, she dropped me off at school. She never picked me up from school, and after waiting for 30 minutes I ran home and for some weird reason I knew she was dead from the getgo..she was always trying to kill herself or running away so it was in me and my brother from a young age to fear the worst and expect it. I banged on the doors at home for an hour (had no key) and climbed the roof and tried opening every window. I though she would be lying dead in her room upstairs, over dosed on her depression pills. Sittin on the roof crying and looking thru the windows however I couldn't see herr, maybe she was in a closet I had been thinking. She was home for sure, the car was home.

My brother finally came, and he had just pressed the garage door opener on his car as he was pulling into the doorway as I had ducked under the garage, frantic to get inside and find her and save my mommy.

I chucked my shoes off in the garage, and opened the door leading to the entry. The entry has stairs that lead to upstairs and I was convinced she was upstairs somewhere so I was planning on sprintin up the stairs, but my mom had different plans.
I had thrown my shoes off and entered the entry to run up the stairs when it felt like a freightliner truck slammed into me and I let out a blood wrenching horrifying scream. My siblings were still outside but came seconds after my scream an horror. My mom had hung herself on the stairs.
I was the first one to see her dead, the last to see her alive. Even typing this really scares me..

From that day on, I forgot who my mom was for 2 good years. When my family was crying for my mom and grieving her I was crying because of how scared and horrified I feel. I developed a twitch, and codnt sleep alone for 2 years. It's only been 3 Years sonce she passed.

I think about her hanging there every day. Even when my PTSD isn't bad, I still picture her even while doing casual things like hanging out with a friend, eating a sandwich..
I only started to remember who my mom was (and not the corpse I found hangin there) this year

I'm so terrified of strangers, I have nightmares almost everyday but never of the event, but instead it's always someone or something killin me or hunting me down.
I'm almost 19 but when I'm home alone I take ridiculous measures to keep safe. I still live in the same house as 3 years ago so I put up barricades between me and the stairs, I check every closet, every bed, behind every couch. Sometimes I get an urge to turn around or look somewhere, because they're might be something. God knows what.

I can't sleep without a night light on still.. I get startled so easily.
This is everyday.
However when I get very stressed over homework school money or relatiozns, I feel the PTSD spirals uncontrollably and I find myself in these "episodes" that lat a day to two weeks.
Iose all motivation in these episodes, I don't care how badly I mess everything up. I eat bad, abuse things yell get angry get depressed cry starve myself binge yell; I ruin my life during these episodes.
Then..something inside me will tell me to get back up, that I can defeat this, so I recover (takes a day or two) and deal with my stress and work out and start being social again and all is well (minus the hyper vigilance that stays with ne ALL the time)

I haven't told a soul of this.. Of any of this. I know my brother and sister and Dad have recovered healthily from my moms passing.. They're stable and hsppy. I find happy comes and goes so quickly. It only stays if I'm not stressed, but it takes so little for me to be stressed and fall into my pit of horrors :(
I don't know what to do. Little things trigger me off into these episodes. For instance I found out this girl in y town commit suicide. I didn't know her and none of my friends even knew her but I can't stop looking at he'd face book and pictures and crying and that just made me fall back info these PTSD like symptoms.

Can someone please help me, is this PTSD? To fall in and out of the secondary symptoms (anxiety and depression) when triggered? What should I do? My famil doctor is horrible really, he had my mom eating around 8 anti depressants a day for years before she passed away.


***I'm super sorry for the horrible spelling and misplaced words, lol I typed it on my iPod and auto correct worked it's magic

I also dont have night sweats or have really vivid images pop up in my head like some PTSD sufferers do.
I was also molested from the age of 5-10 by my cousin. But I have no negative feelings toward the incident. I isn't tell anyone and don't plan on doing so because is so blocked off to me I feel no emotions towards the incident besides embarrassment

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Anju and welcome to the forum :)

I am so sorry for your loss and the way it has impacted on you. I can understand why it has affected you differently to your father and siblings - it sounds like you felt you had some sort of responsibility. I don't mean in the slightest that any of this was your fault, but somehow you felt ( still feel ?) like you could have done something to prevent it. That is a terrible burden to carry round.

It is a shame your family doctor is not helpful - is there any chance you could see another one?

I cannot possible say whether or not you have PTSD - only a trained professional ( with expertise in the field) can tell you that. But what I do think is that whether or not you have PTSD you certainly need real life help and support to work through this. You have certainly suffered a trauma and it sounds as if the years prior to that were no 'walk in the park' either.

With help the memories can be processed and packaged away. Never to be forgotten - but you can become in control of them. I am glad you are starting to remember your Mum as the person she was.

I would expect at times you feel anger and hatred at what she did to you, and then feel guilty for thinking like that. These emotions can be incredibly hard to deal with. You don't have to suffer alone.

Best wishes,
Lucy x

 

[Anju5]

Yeah that's true, just today I was sitting staring at pictures and wondering how much did she hate me, she knew I would find her most likely and not even a note good bye to us or her kids.. I just don't know hat to think when I get like this.

I'm hoping tomorrow I'll wake up go for a run and numb It all out until they resurface and bubble out agan.

Maybe I'll tell a friend about these feelings or my brother

Thanks a lot for replying Lucy :)

 

[thematrix]

Anju5, I'm not the best person to give advise but a family doc isn't the way to go.

Can you try and access a mental health proffessional? Be completely honest and tell this person everything and how you feel. Please. Make an appointment as soon as possible.

What happened in no way is your fault. Your mom was not well. Please remember that. She didnt hate you, she was very ill. This is not your fault.

What you have said makes me very sad, and I can only imagine how you feel. You are very young, and now is the time to access help so this doesnt affect you in the future even further.

Please make an appointment and take good care of yourself. And please, please remember this is not your fault.

I dont know if anything I have said is helpful. Please make that appointment. You need to talk about this and be honest, dont keep it inside.

Sending you a hug.

 

[crazynightz]

Hi Anju5,

I just wanted to say that it is wonderful that you are reaching out for support. Perhaps through a mental health professional you can be put in contact with a good therapist who is experienced in trauma work? I'm writing from New Zealand, so I'm not sure how your health system works. Do keep sharing when you need to, with anyone you feel you can really trust etc. Perhaps you have phone counselling support lines where you are? These can be wonderful when say, in the middle of the night you just need to talk something out. I want to send you a big hug too! Keep reaching out :)