General Girlfriend's past bothers me

[Mach123]

I understand and I'm sorry you feel like this. If one partner has been more promiscuous this feeling is not at all unusual. That it comes back to you in the end is true but they are your feelings right or wrong and it would be a mistake to pretend you don't have them. She did share this with you so she wanted to trust you enough to do that. That's no small thing. There was a song once, "sometimes I wish I didn't know some of those secrets of yours." There are a lot of things I wish I hadn't done. I can never make it so they didn't happen. Being intimate for me was never a thing I was able to take lightly. I wish you luck. We always can do better but I'm sure you are doing your best. That's all anyone can ask or expect.

 

[moonbyul]

I saw her again last night after the fight. I feel alot better about her promiscuity now. I hate that it took her having been raped before that phase in her life for me to feel better about it all, but me shaming her or having any sort of insecurities over her past just feels wrong now.

It was always wrong to judge her for her past, I know that, but being raised the way I was, it was hard not to. And yes, part of me felt, and I even verbalized it, that "if you were not satisfied with one guy in a night at one point, why would one guy be enough now". I did and do have fears that maybe I'm not enough for her considering all she's done, but she has explained that prior to me, she hadnt had sex in over half a year. Her promiscuous years were something like seven years ago now.

She had a promiscuous phase in college, to cope with a rape. I didnt know the rape part, and now, knowing the phase started because of a rape, it almost makes me want to just hold her and apologize for everything I brought back up when we got in our fight.

 

[Tracee]

Wtf is she doing sharing her past sexual stories with you?

That IS on her. You just don’t do t...

I agree. I mentioned my misgivings about exactly this in another post. I don’t want or need to know about someone’s love for porn, strip clubs, or prostitution. Why in the hell would you tell someone that, at the very beginning of a new relationship? What people want to do is their business. But ... I know no one is EVER supposed to be judgmental anymore. But some things are best kept to yourself. And it doesn’t necessarily mean prudery. I just don’t to feel like I need to douche with Clorox after being intimate. Or like someone is using my body for masturbary purposes. I don’t need to know you cheated on your wife with a hooker. And she was pissed for five years and sleeping in the other room. GO FIGURE.

God bless him. Which is Southernese for, “you poor dumb son of a bitch” :). Some folks need to learn what to say and when to say it.

 

[Tracee]

And before anyone judges me for judging, let me say that he tried to get me to go to a strip club and get a lap dance. Just so I would know how harmless it is. Yeah. Right. And all prostitutes are doing what they do because they just LOVE to sell their asses for money. Some, perhaps. But I’d be willing to bet most aren’t.

 

[Tracee]

And one of the things that he said that really pissed me off ... he was telling me about how he and his friend, his fellow Army buddy, would go to strip clubs on Friday/Saturday nights all the time. Knowing he was married at that time, I asked, “So wasn’t your wife upset about that?” And the response was, “Who knows? What was she gonna do?”

Grrrrrrrr ....

I call extreme bullshit on that kind of gaslighting and disrespect to your own spouse, the mother of your children. If you don’t want to keep your Willie in your britches, DON’T GET MARRIED! Or do her the kindness of a divorce if you can’t seem to manage it.

 

[Tracee]

And, yes, I know this sounds judgmental. I DON’T CARE. Basic human decency and respect never go out of style.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Different strokes for different folks. What one person finds normal another may find repugnant... and typically that doesn't make for a happy intimate relationship.

Some people want full disclosure. Some people can't handle it. There are differing levels of jealousy.

If you find yourself judging your partner, their past, or their sexual preferences, in all honesty it's probably best not to be partners with that person. Nobody wants to be with somebody whose past disturbs them because it's always going to bother them. Likewise, nobody wants to be judged by the person who is supposed to love them.

 

[zombycat]

As someone who has gone through a 'promiscuous phase' to deal with the after effects of sexual assault, I can tell you how hollow and ultimately unfulfilling it was for me. I can also tell you that I was never so happy as when I could put that kind of behavior in my past. I cringe now to think of the things I did, the things I allowed done to me, how meaningless it all ultimately was, but I've come to recognize that in its time, it served a purpose. Then I grew to a point where I didn't need it anymore. It sounds to me like she did too, long before she ever met you.

We all have things in our past that we're not proud of, that perhaps we wish we'd handled better. I'm glad that you are no longer holding that against her. You're in a relationship with the person she is now, a strong survivor, not with the person she was then.