He has combat ptsd, i'm a domestic violence survivor - now we're stuck

[Andreavs]

I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months. Here's his situation. He was in the army for 8 years, deployed 3 times to Iraq, lived through really horrible stuff. He's been about for almost 4 years and started working hard on his ptsd when he got out. Also, while he was serving, his wife had an abortion while he was deployed and kept it a secret from him, until he found out on accident. They divorced soon after.

I think he does a great job of managing himself, he currently meets with two VA counselors, he tells me about his coping techniques and really I've only seen his rage explode once about 3 months into our relationship and haven't seen anything close to that since. He's not perfect but he tries hard and never gives up or disengages.

Now, my mess. I got divorced just about a year ago. I'd been with my ex for 13 years, 5 dating and 8 married. We split when I found out he had been cheating on me for years and even had a baby with one of the mistresses. We were pastors of a church. It was then that I was finally able to admit that the whole relationship he had been emotionally abusive, making me doubt my perceptions, putting me down, disregarding my opinions and feelings, neglecting my needs. His family and everyone in the church turned against me, somehow they think if I had been a better wife, he wouldn't have done what he did. Of course. This has been super hard to handle because everything I thought was sure and true turned out to not be. I feel constantly on guard and like danger lurks around every corner.

My boyfriend makes me feel very safe, he's very supportive and gentle, but I still take some things he says the wrong way. I still have this quiet thought in the back of my mind of, what if he's setting me up, what if he just leaves one day, it's just a matter of time before he gets disillusioned with me and leaves. I know that this is because I'm still dealing with my trauma.

We just recently had a fight because I told him about this fear that one day he'll just change his mind about me, and he basically said that he was fed up with me putting my issues with my ex on him. We'd had discussions like this before and he was always understanding and kind, but he said that obviously that doesn't work so he's doing being kind. I have to get myself together and prove myself then he'll be compassionate again.

I know that it's wrong to put my issues on him and I regret what I said deeply. I am working on fixing the fact that I see the world as nothing but doom. I wish I could fix it faster but I'm doing all that I can. I'm going to therapy, talking to friends, reading books, but I still mess up.

He says he's frustrated that it takes so much work to get himself to be OK, and he does nothing but the best for me and I still have my negative reactions (they aren't constant but are frequent). He said we are still together but I need to prove myself before he gives me good things again.

Since I'm still working on establishing my filters of what's normal and acceptable, what's safe and unsafe, I wanted to see from others who know about being I inside ptsd, does this sound normal?

I do value very much all of his good attributes. To me, he's amazing. But I feel like he's not really understanding how hard this is for me. He says, if I can come out of where I was mentally, this should be nothing to you because you didn't see 10% of what I saw. That feels like an unfair statement to me because gravity is relative. I didn't experience exactly the same tragedy as he did, but proportionally, my world was destroyed too.

I guess I just want some feedback from people who know about ptsd. No one else around us really knows what it's like to be in either of our positions...

 

[EveHarrington]

To me he sounds like he's done a lot....speaking as someone with PTSD, it's HARD to be around people who are negative. I just can't do it. As I'm trying to bring myself up, it's like being weighed down by an anchor when you're already trying to keep yourself from drowning. I under you're trying to heal, but I also understand his need to disengage for the time being.

It's not fair for him to compare his past to your past, and I think that should be discussed as an off limits topic. People think that emotional abuse is a "lesser" offense but it's hella-hard to erase the damage done by someone who has emotionally abused us. It can't really be compared to going to war or experiencing combat. Two different types of trauma.

 

[Deadman]

Heres my take on comparing traumas. Imagine two people with identical broken legs waiting to see the orthopaedic surgeon. One speaks up and says, "I fell off my bike. How'd you break your's"? The other replies; "Thats nothing. I was hit by a truck. Why isn't your leg healed yet? After all you only fell off your bike."

A broken leg is a broken leg. PTSD is PTSD. Neither heals faster or slower based on how other people perceive the trauma.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

A broken leg is a broken leg. PTSD is PTSD. Neither heals faster or slower based on how other people perceive the trauma.

Well, not 100% true.

I think with the ICD 11 coming out with CPTSD will help this.

One broken leg can heal faster then the other depending on where it is broken, how it is broken, and what kind of break it is. And the person's body.

PTSD is the same way (and now CPTSD). I have seen many heal in a year where another takes 3. I have been in therapy 8 years and still going weekly. It is not a race but saying one doesn't heal faster then another just isn't true.

With CPTSD, emotional instabilty and unstable relationships is in that. So that a therapist will need to get the person stable first (DBT, meds, etc) before trauma processing. This is why I have been in therapy as long as I have. I had to get stable first. Now, I do have BPD as well, however, PTSD + BPD comorbid may reduce based on CPTSD proposal because, I personally do not fit into the "typical BPDer" per both my therapist and pain Dr. I was diagnosed with BPD mainly because of the extreme emotional deregulatipn, extreme relationship instabilty, and extreme self harm. But I do not do what "the typical BPDer" does (though I do fit the diagnostic criteria for BPD). And so I am thinking, as this proposed CPTSD covers this, it may take away many PTSD + BPD comprbid like myself.

But, anyway, my point is PTSD may take a shorter time where as CPTSD will likely take a longer time due to needing to gain stabilty first.

Icd 11 ptsd diagnosis

So, that may help this but everyone heals at a different rate no matter the diagnosis. I do not like to trauma compare as there really isn't a measure for trauma because its how the person experienced it and the issues it causes today. There really isn't a way to measure that. I could say that my trauma was equal to going to war. It was in many ways. But, then again, there are unique things about war that I didn't see or experienced just as there are very unique things about being raised in a cult. I think all trauma has their unique things. Therefore each one different and experienced differently. Two people in the exact same trauma (say two siblings) expetience it different and one way develop PTSD and the other one different. There is no way to measure that.

That is why trauma comparing is a useless activity, in my opinion. And in the end, does it matter who had it worse? It is not about what happened but what we are going to do with it now.

 

[Deadman]

It is not a race but saying one doesn't heal faster then another just isn't true.

I didn't say anything of the sort. Rather

Neither heals faster or slower based on how other people perceive the trauma.

 

[lolamay]

Thank you guys for your responses. I really appreciate input from as many informed sources as I can get.

A few hours ago we decided to go on a break, I guess it would be called. Since I know that since I am pretty early into my healing process, and don't quite have a handle yet on keeping myself in check, and that that inability complicates his own process, we both decided to de-escalate our relationship until I get a better hold of myself.
I hate how this all happened because I feel like I failed him because I know how much it means to him to finally live someone again. I feel like I flopped like a wet noodle when I needed to rise to the occasion.
He said that he would wait for me because he thinks I'm worth it. That meant the world for me to hear.
I feel like I have a long road ahead, turns out what my ex would do is called gaslighting. I feel like Peeta in the Hunger Games, having to re-learn everything after being brainwashed.

Anyway, it was helpful to hear that his reaction was normal and reasonable and that I was right, it was unfair to compare traumas.

 

[BlueOrange]

Since I'm still working on establishing my filters of what's normal and acceptable, what's safe and unsafe, I wanted to see from others who know about being I inside ptsd, does this sound normal?

'Normal' as in 'healthy' or 'normal' as in 'the kind of stuff that you expect when both people are sufferers'? For me, it's the kind of stuff that I'd expect.

He's kinda-sorta right, in that he can't be expected to always be there for you. But he's wrong about the solution to that problem - the solution is not to turn mean, the solution is to say "I don't have what it takes to help you right now, please look for help somewhere else." 'Somewhere else' could be your own therapist, or a good friend, or these forums, or... somewhere else!

And you're kinda-sorta right, in that you recognize that he has limits, and that you asked him for something that he couldn't give you. But you're wrong when you say 'I shouldn't have asked', because the only way that you can know how he's feeling is if he communicates with you.

Based on what you're saying, you're both working really hard, with your attention on the right things, and you're also imperfect. That's OK. It's not the destination that you're working hard to get to, but it is the right road.

A broken leg is a broken leg. PTSD is PTSD. Neither heals faster or slower based on how other people perceive the trauma.

That's 90% true, but the 10% is important. I broke my leg, and nobody believed that it was broken, so I spent the next 12 hours being expected to carry things to the house, and I complied with those expectations. I don't think it helped my leg to heal. Similarly with the PTSD, there's a bunch of pressure to perform and to 'be over it' that can do you a lot of harm if you internalize it (it has certainly delayed my recovery).

The way other people perceive the trauma influences they way that they treat you, and impacts the environment that you're trying to heal in. Depending on how powerfully they act on their perceptions, it can have a very significant impact. (I've been helped a great deal by the way that people on this forum perceive my trauma.)

 

[Deadman]

that can do you a lot of harm if you internalize it

Yup. Which is why I was making a case for not comparing traumas. But to each their own I guess.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

That's 90% true, but the 10% is important. I broke my leg, and nobody believed that it was broken, so I spent the next 12 hours being expected to carry things to the house, and I complied with those expectations. I don't think it helped my leg to heal. Similarly with the PTSD, there's a bunch of pressure to perform and to 'be over it' that can do you a lot of harm if you internalize it (it has certainly delayed my recovery).

Yes!

And @Deadman, I didn't comprehend how

based on how other people perceive the trauma.

fits in the setence you put it in, which is why I said what I said. How people precieve my trauma is also huge. It shouldn't be but it is. Most especially since it is the entireity of my family. Not just a few that I could brush off but over 100 people all saying it didn't happen. That has an huge impact on me. PTSDers heal at a different rate either way but my family not believing a word of my trauma threw a wrench in it and just my family alone took up 3 yrs of my therapy. Adding 3 yrs to my healing.

I probably am missunderstanding what you mean by one doesn't heal faster or slower based on how other people percieve your trauma. So you may want to reword that so that I do understand it. Up to you of course. Because I do not see how people preciving your trauma makes PTSDers heal at the same rate. I am not getting what you are saying there.

I am not sure if this is still on topic so I appologize if it isn't but I wanted to explain why I advised what I did.

 

[lolamay]

So, I'm kind of a mess right now and out of places to turn....
All of my friends know about my situation with my ex and so of course they are wary of my new relationship, since my relationship history is obviously not great. Throw in the "ptsd" factor my boyfriend has and needless to say, people aren't exactly happy for me. But I am. I really feel supported by him.
I don't even know if I have a question or if I'm just looking to vent.
So after that conversation we had that I talked about in my initial post, we decided we should take a break until I get a better handle on my emotions and stop responding out of fears I'm projecting onto him. I have learned quite a bit about cognitive distortions and that completely sounds like something I go though.
I just had a session with my counselor where I was bringing him up to speed with what had just happened with the decision to take a break, and I also felt a little judgment on his part towards my boyfriend, saying something like, if he can't handle himself around you and your weaknesses, where does he get off telling you to be stronger?
That just hurt my feelings so much.
I don't know if that's just my emotions running away again, or feeling like my own judgement is being disregarded again (as has happened to me historically), or the fear of being completely wrong about who my boyfriend really is, or just feeling defensive that someone I really care about is being misjudged.
I tried to clarify it with the counselor but honestly I had just retracted into myself at that point and wasn't really engaging anymore.
And what's worse is that I don't have my person to run to right now. I don't have my hug and place of comfort to come home to anymore. I see that this is a great opportunity for growth and learning how to soothe myself, exactly what this break is for. But. I'm just sad right now.
Rambley, sorry. Just reaching out I guess....

 

[Bethan124]

Hi Andreavs, I am a fellow survivor of domestic abuse and feel your pain and understand your feeling that nothing you knew is real etc. I just wanted to say that I think your boyfriends words were unfair when he said "I have to get myself together and prove myself then he'll be compassionate again." I don't think you have anything to 'prove' to anyone. He shouldn't threaten to cut off the kindness to you because you are scared, fearful and anxious following your harrowing experience. The kindness is what you DESERVE. It does not need to be earned. If he is not in a place to give you that, maybe he's not going to be good for you? It's obvious how much you respect and admire him, but you should be respected and admired by him in equal measure - in actions and words.

 

[dulcia]

while he was serving, his wife had an abortion while he was deployed and kept it a secret from him

We split when I found out he had been cheating on me for years and even had a baby with one of the mistresses.

Sounds like you've both been through some heavy relationship shit.

I still have this quiet thought in the back of my mind of, what if he's setting me up, what if he just leaves one day, it's just a matter of time before he gets disillusioned with me and leaves.

I told him about this fear that one day he'll just change his mind about me, and he basically said that he was fed up with me putting my issues with my ex on him. We'd had discussions like this before and he was always understanding and kind, but he said that obviously that doesn't work so he's doing being kind.

Personally? I've started keeping thoughts like these to myself. I'm not talking about bottling it up until it explodes (or implodes), but keeping it to myself either (a) for the most part or (b) for now. By that, I mean I either... (a) If I am having serious doubts or insecure/disruptive thoughts, I'll approach him with a little bit of it. Maybe a "hey, are we okay?" or an "I'm in an off mood". It's me reaching out to him to let him know what's going on with me and opening the door for support without offloading the entire internal battle that's been going on in my head for the hours before I've decided to even bring it up. If he's stressed or already feeling pressure from somewhere else, he might not have anything super supportive or loving to say at the moment and I will seek support elsewhere -- from my mom, my best friend, or post in my journal here -- until he is more able to talk to me, which is the (b) for now part. More often than not, a simple "we're good, sweetheart" or a "no reason to be in a bad mood, I promise" is enough for me to diffuse the swirling thoughts and ground myself in reality again.

That's not to say that sometimes I don't just bombard him with my shit when I'm feeling particularly unsure or that sometimes he just can't handle it and lashes out at me, but the keeping it to myself for the most part can be helpful. Also, waiting to react is something I'm working on. If an insecure or nervous thought pops into my brain I can obsess over it, turning it over and over in my mind until a tiny spark has been fanned into a massive fire. I've found that waiting until I can get that fire back down to a more manageable (and reasonable) size to react (or respond) usually has a better outcome. (Disclaimer: My SO has PTSD, I do not. I have had DV in a previous relationship and have trust issues that I struggle with almost daily. I wouldn't characterize my relationship as entirely healthy, so take my suggestions with a grain of salt, but we're working on it.)