Hitting A Wall...

[nerdluvin]

Hi everyone,

I've started trauma reprocessing therapy a few months ago and it's been really difficult. I was warned that this particular type of therapy makes you worse before it makes you better while you revisit the events (in my case my entire childhood) and try to integrate the parts you've split off.

And there's the wall. When my therapist talks about re-integration it makes a lot of sense because no matter what I'm already triggered. I'm pretty much in a constant triggered state for the past few months. But still, there's this giant wall of terror between me and letting my past in. I feel like if I don't keep the lid shut I'll be consumed and obliterated. There won't be any "me" left and I'll stop functioning as a human being. (ironic, I feel barely human these days)

I've seen people refer to that exact feeling and I was wondering what people have done to help move past it.

Thanks

 

[Suzetig]

It's a good question. The ony way I've found is to build a very strong therapeutic relationship in which I implicitly trust my therapist. It means I'm able to start unpicking things slowly knowing that she's with me every step of the way, will catch me and stop me from falling apart. It's taken a good while, with me pushing and pulling all the time. I gradually noticed things about her that told me she cared, understood me and could be trusted. I do now feel less like I'm going to fall apart if I talk about trauma and abuse, it's still so hard and there are lots of tears and pain, but it is possible.

Just keep turning up and work on building the relationship until you feel able to do more.

 

[Hope4future]

@Suzetig I'm just starting to realize how important this trust piece in the healing process. I've ignored, downplayed it, flat out denied it, but now it's staring me in the face and I have to begin to allow myself to trust enough let go of emotion. I wanted to believe I could do that part all on my own. That wall is strong and fierce and ironically it takes kindness to dissolve it.

 

[Wounded Scribe]

Great. Today is day 1 for me, and the therapy you just described @nerdluvin.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It sounds like you don't have any coping skills or grounding skills to lean back on. Is this correct? If so, then this is where you need to start, not at the processing level. If you've already got your coping skills and such, then you may need to keep on practicing them until you feel safer. There is no timeline for how long this may take. If you've done all of that and are still terrified, it may mean that A) you are simply not ready to process yet (and that is fine) or B) you may need to take a leap of faith and jump in.

 

[nerdluvin]

My coping and grounding skills are really lacking, it's like nothing's working. That may be why it's so difficult?

I'll have to mention that to my therapist.

 

[Intrepid]

I think there is something about PTSD that makes it hard to put thing into words. It happened for me as a kid when I didn't have the words to even describe what I was going through. When you say you want to move past the wall of terror, I can totally relate. I also knew that moving past that wall would destroy me.

I found out that the wall was there for a reason. Those things on the other side got cut off because they could destroy the person I was when I experienced them (a normally vulnerable child). Cutting them off with that wall of terror took them away, which was good, but it also made them inaccessible for healing later, which was bad.

To get past the walls I went to many therapy sessions. I chiseled away at the darn things a little by little. I held on to every little success, every chip off of the walls, and moved forward.

It sounds like you are on the right path. Stay there. But take breaks and talk about other things with your therapist.

One more thing. I have times felt that when I get hit with the flashbacks I get re-traumatized. In a way that's true. This is really complicated.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yep, that will do it.

I pretty much ascribe to the 3 step model of recovery. Step 1, Safety and Security. This is when we stabilize and learn to keep ourselves safe (from both ourselves and in the world around us) and learn to be secure through the acquisition of grounding skills, coping skills, and self-soothing techniques. Step 2, trauma processing. This is when we actually get into the nitty gritty of processing and talking about what happened. Step 3, putting your life back together and moving forward.

Its important to go through these steps sequentially because if you jump into step 2 without having gone through step 1, then you may put yourself in a very dangerous place, become suicidal, and need hospitalization if you start to get into your trauma history and then don't have the proper skills to handle it all. And of course you can't really jump into step 3 without the previous 2 steps.

I'm currently in step 3 for the most part, but because of the age at which my trauma occurred, I will likely have ongoing safety issues so that will be a lifelong struggle for me. You can move back and forth between steps, so if you learn your skills and then decide to process but then realize its too much, you can go back to step 1 again. And you can be doing more than one step at a time as I am since I will always need to be working on my safety issues, but since I've processed my trauma, I'm ready to move back into life so I'm going to school and have a career planned out.

Ok so this is more than you asked for, but I figured I'd explain the three step model of healing. Of course this isn't the only model or framework used, as I know there are others out there with more steps. But maybe this will help?

 

[Hope4future]

I've found the three step model Solara explains to be helpful. It takes what is an overwhelming and formidable process and breaks it down into smaller chunks that allow for movement, growth, and a. way if gauging progress.