How Can I Keep The Truth A Secret From Those Who Care About Me?

[Bedbug]

I'm looking for a bit of advice on how to politely decline well-intentioned offers of help from my parents.

I've been off work for the past two months since I developed delayed-onset PTSD. Very briefly, I was sexually abused by an aunt 30 years ago when I was a child and, while I can see now how it affected my whole life, it has only really disabled me lately. I am slowly making progress in understanding what is going on and finding ways to cope with it, but I am beginning to have real problems with my parents and the stress is affecting my recovery badly.

They both know that I have been unwell for a while and when I didn't return any of their phone calls they eventually phoned my husband to find out what was wrong. He knew that I didn't want them to know the truth about the abuse, so he gave them both a vague version what was wrong with me now: depression, stress, panic attacks. He has been talking to them both regularly ever since, but they are both pushing to know more and want to visit.

I have never been very comfortable accepting help from others and I know I have hurt both of my parents in the past by pushing them away when I've been going through hard times. The only person I want close to me at the moment is my husband, but I know that I am not being fair on my parents. I understand their concern for me, but I just can't deal with this yet. I know it's also not fair on my husband to have to keep talking to my parents on my behalf and I know they both just want what is best for me and want to help. The problem is that what is best for me right now is to not have this added pressure from my parents. Neither of them know about the abuse and I want to keep it that way. I can't see any benefit to revealing it. To do so would only cause more heartache and I would feel even worse than I already do. It is bad enough that it happened to me without happening to my entire family. I am very clear on this point.

My problem right now is that I don't know what to say to them. Although I don't blame them for not recognising what was happening when I was a little girl, I still feel a lot of anger that they didn't protect me (I am working on resolving this). I have texted them both a couple of times but I am afraid that if I phone them they will push me for an explanation of what is wrong and I will get flustered and either blurt out something hurtful or reveal more than I really want to.

Ever since PTSD took hold of me I haven't been able to communicate verbally very effectively. I find spoken conversation extremely stressful. For the first few weeks I barely spoke a word and if it hadn't been for my iPod and being able to slowly write down what I was experiencing and then share it with my husband and my doctor in that form I don't know where I would be now. So, the obvious approach is to email my parents but I'm really struggling to work out what to say. I feel like I need some sort of "cover story" that will satisfy them, but my mind is already fully occupied with making sense of the truth without coming up with anything else. I don't want to lie to them, but I don't want to tell them the whole truth either.

I know it is going to be much easier to talk to strangers, neighbours, colleagues and friends when I do start getting back to normal. However, I know my parents won't be satisfied with the same vague explanations as others and will either feel entitled to more or better placed to help. This just isn't the case. If only my trauma had been something other than what it was, I might have been able to bring myself explain that have PTSD. As it is, I can't tell them and they can't help.

I wish my parents would just leave me alone for a bit longer until I am in a better state to deal with them, but I know that isn't going to happen. If I don't make contact within the next couple of days I am pretty sure one of them will turn up on my doorstep and that will be a total disaster. They are the last people I can cope with talking to right now. I feel like if I can't push them away from me now, they will push me over the edge.

Do any of you have any advice on how to deal with this? I don't want to hurt their feelings so I need to find a way to politely explain that, while they think that they are being helpful, they are actually causing me a massive amount of stress. Have any of you been in a similar situation?

 

[Purplemunchkin]

I've not been where you are, but didn't want to read and run.

I guess it depends on your parents, and your relationship with them.

I I don't want to hurt their feelings so I need to find a way to politely explain that, while they think that they are being helpful, they are actually causing me a massive amount of stress.

Could you email them, referring to your husband's vague explanation of depression, stress, etc and say exactly what is in the quote box above?

Some people would respect that and wait, maybe with the occasional gentle follow up enquiry, whereas others would push more. I don't know which category your parents fall into.

 

[BloomInWinter]

They are adults. They've been through hurt feelings before and will work through those again.

By keeping this a secret, you are hurting yourself, and your symptoms likely give them some distressing feelings already if they care about you at all. Worse, what they imagine is likely far worse than what you would reveal, as they may be thinking your symptoms are their fault.

Your job is to help yourself get better. If telling them will unburden you, and you think it'll help, then stop keeping your abuser's secrets. If you think they won't be supportive, start looking for a trusted friend who can just listen.

Chances are, you were not the only victim and they may have heard something about her already.

It is not healthy for victims to keep the secrets of abusers once we are safe. It's frightening to reveal, but it is also a burden let down, once the dust settles. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you find profound healing.

 

[John_]

I've been through a similar dilemma, for me I do not speak or ever want to talk to my mother so that was the easy part. I also felt it best not to involve my farther because I didn't want to burden him with my problems however over time I have opened up a lot to him and have found his support invaluable. It's hard to know what to suggest for yourself as you say there's only so long you can go avoiding people before they will start becoming suspicious. Maybe you could write a list of pros and cons with your husband and then decide to tell or not.

I don't know if you have a stressful job but if you do maybe you could use this as an explanation for now and just say you'd rather not think about it at the moment and deflect the conversation onto something else.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

For myself, I was torn to shreds wanting to tell my mother that a trusted friend and neighbor had raped me when I was only 9 yrs old. I wrote down the first 42 years of my life to be able to read and re-read it time and time again. when I hit rock bottom I decided that it was time to finally tell my mum about the rape (no details missed). When I finally came to telling her the whole truth it was a shock as the rape had happened only 2 doors up from us. She was devastated and hurt that I hadn't had the courage to confide in her when I was a boy. (he held me down with a knife and threatened to cut my throat if I ever spoke about him). When I finally plucked up the courage after nearly 23 years to tell her, she was nothing more than my MUM. She held me after I had chased her away. Blaming her for all the hurt I had endured all my life. "Why had she not protected me when I really needed it? " . Why had she not seen what was happening?. Because I hadn't told her. My father died ten years ago and was my biggest confident all through my childhood. I hadn't even told him. (scared he would hurt or even kill my rapist).

Basically it is never too late to tell a loving parent what happened when you were a child. Tell them the truth and they willl be upset at first but in MY experience they will come round and support you 100%.

Hope this helps.

(only my perspective from my own experiences)

Loads of LOVE and HUGS ( if you accept them)

Laurence xx xx

 

[Echo]

@Bedbug, I am struggling with this, too, at the moment, only in my case, my abuser was my father and I know my mother knew. It is many years ago, so I also have late-onset PTSD. Our blood family is ostensibly very close, and my mother wields her power by insisting on knowing everything. She has never respected any boundaries. My fear is that she will, and may probably have already started to, manipulate everyone around the family with what she wants them to believe (that I am lying, an attention-seeker, mentally ill and therefore unreliable, malicious, etc.). My parents know something is up and have been pushing me all year and acting hurt. The stress is enormous.

I share this only because my therapist is helping me to write a holding e-mail/letter to them. The purpose of the letter is to give them my diagnosis (or at least just PTSD, not yet CPTSD), to tell them I need time and space to heal and to ask them to respect this. She suggests that I set a boundary by saying that I am telling them this in confidence, and that should I find out that they have not respected this, then I won't be able to talk to them about anything from then on. She suggests, in my case, saying that I am seeing a rape trauma therapist, without going into any details about what actually happened to me. I was raped as a young adult, after the child abuse had ended.

My parents were there when I was raped and did nothing, so I don't actually owe them any explanations as such. However, the point of the letter is that I need the stress of them trying to find out to stop or at least to diminish, and I need to gain some kind of control. Holding all the trauma inside is finishing me off, and my therapist is advising me to find a safe way of starting to tell. People in the family need to understand that you and I need to do this in our way and at our pace. If they cannot respect this, then they are part of the problem.

I know my story is different, but I hope there is something in there for you, too, as a planned, staged way forward for dealing with it.

All the best, Echo

 

[Lucycat]

I was sexually abused by an aunt 30 years ago when I was a child

My question would be what relation is this aunt to your mother? That for me would have a huge impact on what you say and to whom.

I entirely agree with @BloomInWinter above, about the keeping of secrets.

Basically it is never too late to tell a loving parent what happened when you were a child. Tell them the truth and they willl be upset at first but in MY experience they will come round and support you 100%.

But I cannot agree with this. My Mum has stuck by my abusive father, so now I have neither parent! I do speak with Mum on the phone at irregular intervals, but I could never say she has supported me since I told. I have not seen her for 2 years.

I know this is probably not terribly helpful at all. The words 'rock' and 'hardplace' come to my mind.

 

[scout86]

What part of "I don't want to talk about it" don't they understand?

What BloomInWinter said has a ring of truth in it. But, I've had some experiences that leave me questioning the wisdom of having these conversations too. Are you saying that they won't accept something like, "Right now, I have enough to deal with and discussing it with you is something I just can't do. I'll let you know when I want ti discuss it, Meanwhile, just trust that I'm getting the help I need to work things through."? I mean, you ARE an adult. You don't OWE them an explanation.....

Having said that, I guess I should add that the whole "parent/child" thing is a relationship I don't quite know what to do with, so I probably shouldn't be offering advice.

So, maybe my first question is, are they actually "well intentioned" or is it more complicated than that? Do you have the kind of relationship where you're quite sure they will believe you and support you and put your best interests first, or not? Do they respect you and your judgement, or are they sure that they know better than you, or something else? If there's a good chance that telling them will start WW III, I can see wanting to postpone that until you're feeling more up to it.

You probably have to tell them yourself, but I'd suggest you just tell them you're not ready to talk about it, but you're handling it.

Good luck!

 

[Deleted member 20280]

But I cannot agree with this. My Mum has stuck by my abusive father, so now I have neither parent! I do speak with Mum on the phone at irregular intervals, but I could never say she has supported me since I told. I have not seen her for 2 years.

What I mean by this is that as parents (being a dad of six as I am). I "parent" would listen to my children with an open mind and be more likely to be open minded to any form of disclosure of abuse from a family member. I myself did not disclose the abuse I suffered at the hands of a close family friend as I had been threatened with my own life if I ever spoke one word about it. There will always be someone we CAN trust and I appreciate that this person will be individual to each of us in our own way.

Laurie71

 

[Bedbug]

Purplemunchkin, I like to think that they would respect that. I'm worried about hurting their feelings by pushing them away, but I'm probably hurting them even more by not saying anything at all. Who knows what they are imagining? I know they need to hear something from me, even if it's no more than what my husband has already told them. Just the fact that is comes from me might make it different. I will try doing that.

BloomInWinter, I have "unburdened myself" to my husband, my doctor and two trusted friends. I don't need to tell anyone else and I refuse to put my parents through the pain of knowing the full truth. There would be nothing to gain from it. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for your reply. I just think that telling my parents the truth would only cause pain unnecessarily. Thank you for your kind wishes.

John, they are already suspicious. My dad, in particular, doesn't know my husband very well and I think he suspects that I have hidden myself away because I am the victim of domestic abuse at his hands. I have to tell them something.

Laurie, my parents would also be "devastated and hurt that I didn't have the courage to tell." It sounds like you needed your mum's support. I don't need that from my parents. That's why I don't see the point in hurting them. Thanks for the hugs! :)

Echo, thanks for sharing your story. Like you say, different circumstances but it still helped. Maybe just telling my parents that I need time and space to heal, and asking them to respect that, will be enough.

Lucycat, the aunt is on my father's side but she is not a blood relative.

I agree that keeping secrets can be dangerous and I do worry whether I was (am) this woman's only victim. However, at the moment I only feel strong enough to do what is right for me. After that, I need to do what is best for those closest to me. I can't get too influenced by potential other victims too. They hopefully don't exist so "outing" this woman will do no good. But, if they do exist, I have to be selfish right now and just look after myself and my immediate family. I can't cause more suffering, even if that means overlooking potential suffering. Does that make sense? Does it sound awful?

Scout, I think I need to tell them exactly what you said. I think they'll probably respect it. I just resent having to say anything, but I suppose I'd be more upset if I thought they didn't care at all.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Laurie, my parents would also be "devastated and hurt that I didn't have the courage to tell." It sounds like you needed your mum's support. I don't need that from my parents. That's why I don't see the point in hurting them. Thanks for the hugs!

YOU are welcome, any time. xx xx

Laurie ( once sufferer, now SURVIVOR )

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well this is my take on it. You think that YOU would be the one hurting your parents. News flash----it was/is your abuser who is hurting your parents, and you're compounding it by keeping them in the dark. From everything you've said, your parents DO care but you're so set on being strong and independent of them that you're willing to shut them out. Instead of healing TOGETHER you are just hurting them more. This will probably come out in the future and at that point they will be devastated. It's understandable that a child doesn't tell, but you're an adult who is keeping a secret from parents who appear to genuinely care. Secrets drive people apart. Please don't think that one day you'll wake up and be ok and everything will revert to old times as they were before with your parents.

But, you don't want comfort from your parents. You seem to want nothing, so why not be blunt and just tell them to eff off?