I have ADD. I also have drug induced mania from the anti-depressants I have taken since the assaults. In many ways I don’t care for the medication that causes this side effect but the other meds are not a possibility for one reason or another and I accepted early on in my cptsd that I would not survive without pharmaceuticals.
I have many opinions about psychotropics, especially about the companies that produce them, the social prejudice that believes every organ but the mind can suffer disease and the financially based govt regulations that prevent an open free market that would encourage true research instead of short term band aids…. But, I digress.
Being manic compounded by ADD, it is not surprising that I come across distracted and spaced out, unable to take in information from others. I understand this perception and acknowledge it readily. But it couldn’t be further from the truth. In all honesty, I am so perceptive, or perhaps better described rapidly hyper-sensitive to others, their signals, words and most importantly the message behind everything on the surface, that I must tune out to a certain degree to be able to tolerate their energy. Subtle cues I pick up instantly, and in many cases my hyper-diligence allows me to finish their sentences in my mind before the words are uttered.
I am annoying, or better stated, I annoy people. Especially men. Sure I get the occasional compliment about my “bouncy energy” but far more often I am treated like an insolent child and reprimanded for not “listening”.
I rarely, if ever, debate their experience, as it is fruitless, but there is something about this experience they have that brings out the worst in them. I have never been treated as poorly by men as I have been since being medicated. And that, by the way, is saying a lot, because I have been severely mistreated much of my life.
I am now questioning my quiet acceptance of this behavior. I feel bullied and a clear misogynism that puts me down as a woman. How could a woman dare to not head their every syllable? But honestly, what man has ever really listened to me?
As a child, a teenager, an adult and now as person with ptsd, my father has always stared intently into space while I speak, not often even an “uh-huh” to pretend. This familiarity has been my life experience, then this experience gained speed and incredible intensity in the last decade. Assaulted, insulted, mistreated and dismissed to the point far beyond mild mistreatment. My father meets most of my statements with his raised voice yelling “Listen to me!”. I am expected to forgo even polite acknowledgement that I am following.
I have reached a limit. I don’t need them to like me, to get me, to believe I hear them. I need them to know it is no longer acceptable to speak with me in a disrespectful tone, insisting I kneel at their feet listening passively.
I learned and adjusted to this behavior in men as far back as I remember. How do I now take action to take care of myself, being respectful, while insisting on respect? How do I take action to end the bullying? Has anyone had similar experiences and can you share your ideas about how to BE different?
I have many opinions about psychotropics, especially about the companies that produce them, the social prejudice that believes every organ but the mind can suffer disease and the financially based govt regulations that prevent an open free market that would encourage true research instead of short term band aids…. But, I digress.
Being manic compounded by ADD, it is not surprising that I come across distracted and spaced out, unable to take in information from others. I understand this perception and acknowledge it readily. But it couldn’t be further from the truth. In all honesty, I am so perceptive, or perhaps better described rapidly hyper-sensitive to others, their signals, words and most importantly the message behind everything on the surface, that I must tune out to a certain degree to be able to tolerate their energy. Subtle cues I pick up instantly, and in many cases my hyper-diligence allows me to finish their sentences in my mind before the words are uttered.
I am annoying, or better stated, I annoy people. Especially men. Sure I get the occasional compliment about my “bouncy energy” but far more often I am treated like an insolent child and reprimanded for not “listening”.
I rarely, if ever, debate their experience, as it is fruitless, but there is something about this experience they have that brings out the worst in them. I have never been treated as poorly by men as I have been since being medicated. And that, by the way, is saying a lot, because I have been severely mistreated much of my life.
I am now questioning my quiet acceptance of this behavior. I feel bullied and a clear misogynism that puts me down as a woman. How could a woman dare to not head their every syllable? But honestly, what man has ever really listened to me?
As a child, a teenager, an adult and now as person with ptsd, my father has always stared intently into space while I speak, not often even an “uh-huh” to pretend. This familiarity has been my life experience, then this experience gained speed and incredible intensity in the last decade. Assaulted, insulted, mistreated and dismissed to the point far beyond mild mistreatment. My father meets most of my statements with his raised voice yelling “Listen to me!”. I am expected to forgo even polite acknowledgement that I am following.
I have reached a limit. I don’t need them to like me, to get me, to believe I hear them. I need them to know it is no longer acceptable to speak with me in a disrespectful tone, insisting I kneel at their feet listening passively.
I learned and adjusted to this behavior in men as far back as I remember. How do I now take action to take care of myself, being respectful, while insisting on respect? How do I take action to end the bullying? Has anyone had similar experiences and can you share your ideas about how to BE different?
