How long do i have the cloud of my suicide attempt hanging over me?

[EveHarrington]

Good god, this is totes ridiculous.

I had a bad episode today and suddenly people are worried I'm going to try and kill myself again.

My attempt was over 5 months ago.

I even TOLD them I'm not suicidal and not thinking of harming myself.

FFS I handed over my tools of the trade last week so people wouldn't be worried. I can now see that had zero effect.

But yeah, that didn't stop my day program outreach person from freaking out on me and leaving me a nasty voicemail about how I'm a safety risk.

Safety risk? f*ck. If I'm a safety risk, section my ass, I dare you. I can guarantee that I can sweet talk the ER docs enough that they'd be confident I'm not a safety risk and don't deserve to be locked up. Remember, this is the SAME hospital that wouldn't lock me up after a near fatal actual attempt that had me on the med floors for 4 days. I can see the ER docs laughing at her for wanting to lock me up for having a bad day! LMAO.

It's just ridiculous that I've spent 5 months trying to prove myself and it all means NOTHING as I'm still a "safety risk" who needs to be watched like a hawk.

This is why I hate reaching out for help. My positive actions mean nothing. My words mean nothing. I have been reduced to being nothing but that crazy chick who hurts herself.

 

[Muted]

I think society in general can't deal with emotions etc... we don't take time to deal with stuff we try and force ourselves to be better as fast as possible and people want to shove a magic pill down our throats instead of dealing with what's going on. People learn to stuff emotions, because we expect people to be tough or put it in a box and forget everything. Constant pressure from the clock.

 

[Scarlet13]

I can understand what you are feeling. That you have worked hard and have proven yourself and you are seen as a safety risk.
I know you know that she meant well. I don't have to tell you that people care and that she was doing her job, you know that. But I get what you are saying. If I were in your shoes I would have felt hurt, insulted, dismissed. Maybe even less than human, being labeled a 'risk' not a human. I think I would have felt as though I was a burden and that maybe they saw me as weak and helpless.
I would have preferred the phrase, "I am concerned about you. What are you doing to manage this?"
It is nice to be trusted. It reminds me of a thing I heard someone say about people who self harm or have suicidal risk. That these people are not made of glass. I mean yeah these are serious thoughts, symptoms, actions but still people with these actions and thoughts ARE strong, they are capable of managing themselves. I get A LOT of suicidal thoughts, yet I am very resilient (I have to remind myself of this).
We just had three teens commit suicide in my area. I did not think, wow they are a safety risk. I thought, I wish they could have realized that they WERE strong. That it was in there. That inherent wise mind. And that people do care. But I think it is an issue of strength. @EveHarrington you are strong. It is there. You HAVE proven yourself. I can tell you are strong when I read your posts. I don't know you, but I am guessing you have a pretty feisty spirit. And feistiness equals strength.

 

[EveHarrington]

Cries.

THANK YOU!

 

[EveHarrington]

I can understand what you are feeling. That you have worked hard and have proven yourself and you are...

Doing her job? Yes.

Actually cares? That's debatable since showing concern for clients is a job requirement and I don't actually believe there is organic care for me. Bureaucratic red tape as my dad calls it.

Bottom line, I'm not trustworthy and there's not much I can do to change this. It sucks when you reach out for help and instead of getting help you are suddenly in the position of needing to reassure everyone else.

I'm just done. No longer reaching out for help beyond my family. At least I know I don't have to reassure my family that I won't hurt myself. They trust me even though the rest of the world doesn't. I refuse to have to prove myself and calm everyone else's fears in the face of getting help for myself.

Oh, wait, you ask..... Did I ACTUALLY get any help in all of this chaos? NOPE! I was too busy trying to calm everyone else down and my needs were lost.

f*ck them all. (Not anyone here, sorry!)

 

[Sideways]

Bottom line, I'm not trustworthy and there's not much I can do to change this.

Man, do I get this! At least 18 months since my last serious attempt and I'm still not allowed to have more than a week's supply of meds at a time. Which means I'm constantly at the friggin pharmacy. And prn meds? Not. A. Chance!

The argument from my pdoc is that it doesn't take much for my mood to seriously slide backwards, that 18 months is actually not a long time, and that statistcs are seriously not in my corner now that I've made a few serious attempts.

Pfft! I can say I'm safe till I'm blue in the face. I have no idea how many years it's gonna take before people are prepared to believe me!!

 

[EveHarrington]

Man, do I get this! At least 18 months since my last serious attempt and I'm still not allowed...

Does it feel like you're sacrificing freedom?

 

[Sideways]

No. I make peace with it by reminding myself that what I did was serious, and extreme behaviour has consequences. This is a consequence. Sux, but the alternative, people brushing it off as "Meh, your attempt was over a year ago, you should be fiiiine!" would be worse.

To get to that point? It was pretty serious. It's appropriate that the people around me occasionally remind me of that, and that it's not something they take lightly. Nor should I.

It becomes a real pest when you know "I'm safe now, please trust me!" It is. I want my pdoc in particular to believe me when I tell her I'm okay. But, she takes her job seriously, and I know she recognises that for some people, depression can be fatal. She wants to make it harder for me to try again, because it keeps me safe. And my safety, for her, is more important than how much of an inconvenience it is for me.

5 months feels like forever. I know it does. But it's not long in the life cycle of mental illness. What's the risk if maybe, suddenly, something happens and you're not okay anymore? The people around you are saying "Sorry Eve, but you matter, and we don't want to make it easier for you to end up where you were."

Plus, I think sometimes it takes others a while to recover as well. It's pretty distressing having someone you know make a genuine attempt, and even if you've moved on, they might still be struggling with it a bit you know? Especially if they haven't had to deal with traumatic events before:)

 

[EveHarrington]

No. I make peace with it by reminding myself that what I did was serious, and extreme behaviour...

Neither of the people stressing on me were around for the attempt so it's a lot of guessing on their part.

I'm not able to wrap my head around the idea that I matter to them and they actually care about me. I still think that I am not genuinely cared about and fall under the "we generically care because suicide is socially unacceptable" umbrella.

 

[Sideways]

I'm not able to wrap my head around the idea that I matter to them

So yes!!! I totally hear you!

 

[Neverthesame]

It took a long time... Years... ugh..

But, eventually, they'll forget. It just takes alot of surviving.

 

[Scarlet13]

Neither of the people stressing on me were around for the attempt so it's a lot of guessing on th...

I really understand this. And the truth is that yeah, with some mental health workers, maybe they don't care or maybe they don"t know how to care in the way that you need to feel better. You get labeled based on your deficits and you do not get the benefit of the doubt. You are seen as the crazy one, the loose cannon. I experienced this when I had post partum depression. I was so hypervigilent over the baby that I did not sleep. I then had a 5 mos manic reaction to the SSRI they gave me on top of the post partum. I worked my but off in that situation. That drug was giving me psychosis like symptoms and I pushed them aside in my brain so I could take care of my baby and my toddler. I have a whole background in infant care and I knew how important attachment was. I was really struggling, but really fighting for my life and so I resented it greatly when it seemed every doc I went to (psychiatrist, nurse, pediatrician) gave me that look and that tone that I might hurt my baby. They would blatantly ask me about this. And it hurt. But there are women out there that do harm their kids in post partum and harm themselves. It was ironic because it was the medicine that majorly increased my suicidal thoughts. I couldn't not have a suicidal thought. But never was I given the benefit of the doubt. Never was I treated like I could be a good mother and have skills and push through everything that was there. But these people were only doing their job. They have to be concerned about the risk of harm. Its not personal. I am lucky that after many bad mental health care professionals, I did find people that trusted me, that gave me the benefit of the doubt. Now I am trying to figure how to have symptoms, how to have those bad days without it raising so much concern. I think the key is to communicate that I have skills. So I can be suffering, having suicidal thoughts, but I am managing them. I love practicing ACT concepts on my self. I accept that I am suffering greatly, I am not trying to get rid of my suffering, but I am responding to it in mindful ways and then communicating that.