I am really struggling...

[Scarlet13]

So, I reached out to my therapist twice in the past 24 hours and now I am afraid she will dismiss me.
I am struggling with insomnia due to work related stress. I have suffered medical trauma in that I received severe insomnia 4 years ago from an SSRI I took after having a baby. This drug damaged my brain.
Now, 4 years later, I am healing a lot because of mindfulness and supplements. But it was a very dark time.
So, my t really helps calm me down. I am worried and paranoid she is going to think I am too much. I struggle with trust issues due to maternal abuse and of course I project that onto my t.
I am working so hard at using skills to manage this, but I cannot even think well. I did effective rethinking (dbt skill) over insomnia and created effective thoughts which helped. I did contact my t twice, the first time was just to get an email support response, the second was to ask for a phone session as I now keep having insomnia. I am a teacher and keep feeling like I have to be "on" for the first day of school. It is just so horrible. I cannot even reach out for help without fear I will be rejected. I love my t, but I struggle with attachment issues. This probably doesn't even make sense as again sleep deprived brain. I just feel like you cannot trust the world.

 

[Muted]

I feel like I can't trust most of the world too. I think that's part of having PTSD, it's isolating. Because your T knows you best, there are times that only they can reach you. It makes it hard in the middle of desperate situations when you need your t.

It's great that you can email your t. Mine almost dropped me, because I needed more support than she could give. I'm not sure what your t's rules are as far as contact outside of a session, but I hope you can get some help. Do you have any sleeping pills to help with your insomnia?

 

[Scarlet13]

Thanks for your reply. I am 6 mos out from a klonopin taper. I can take some as needed, but then I get hit with a wave of symptoms after it. I am very med sensitive. My t lets me email/text her. I am very careful to follow her protocol. I am just afraid of her rejecting me (she says she wont). We have been together for over a year. I try to indicate the skills I am using on my own, but my t dropping me is my biggest fear. I wish I could just securely trust her. I realized why I am not sleeping in the bath. I took a long, hot epsom salt bath. We are making changes at work and I feel like I have to be super great so my job is not cut and so I am too hypervigilent to sleep. So yep being fired and rejection are big fears. I really feel secure though with my job and my t, but I struggle with attachment security.

 

[Muted]

I think you're fortunate that you can text or email your t. If you're respecting her protocol/ boundaries and still concerned about her dropping you, then I think it would be helpful to work through those trust issues. Trust takes time, but if you feel like she's gone back on her word or is untrustworthy in other ways then I think it's important to trust your instincts. There isn't a relationship without trust.

 

[Scarlet13]

No, I trust her, I just have a maternal transference. So through my maternal transference it constantly feels like she will abandon me (because guess who really did that to me over and over again as a child.)
So she can really help with sleep and I have texted her twice in the past 24 hrs so I am a little worried about bugging her, but I tried to be very succint and professional just everything is so hard when you are exausted. I dont even know really what I am looking for with this thread. I wish I could trust her and trust my body. I felt like I really needed the help, so I asked.

 

[Scarlet13]

So things are better. I did sleep better. I did the DBT skill (effective rethinking) for work and insomnia and that helped. It helps to get to the root of the emotional problem.
I did hear back from my t. She cannot do a phone session this weekend (I am not surprised) but her text was encouraging. I honestly just did not want to be alone and struggling. So even just that text let me know she was there and I get to see her monday. Now I just need to keep dealing with managing all the stress of my life. It is like treading water. But I am better it is not so dark now.