I Cant Keep Going Like This

[Ghostybear73]

When I was just a teacher, my job was awesome. I was at the top of my game. I received the teacher of the year award and was flown to Florida for awards ceremonies and all the luxuries that a person could want.I had the autonomy to teach the way I wanted and what I wanted as long as I stuck with the curriculum and followed the benchmarks. My work was the one place I felt sanity in my insane world

At the beginning of the year, I was pulled in for a management position. I declined and my boss was upset. He asked me why I had gotten a Masters degree if I wasn't going to use it. Then the shoe drops and because I'm the only person credentialed to meet the needs of our accredidating bodies, I was forced to take it. Well, not forced with a gun to my head, but forced with the threat of dropping me to an adjunct position, which would kill me financially. Since this time, I have been totally stresses, major anxiety all the time and I. Hate being in what I call "the ivory tower.

I can't function because I don't play well with others. I guess you can say I'm a control freak and when I'm in the classroom, I control the environment. When I'm doing management stuff, there is a lot of people above me who I. Have problems with. Not because I can't work with them, but they are higher uo the food chain so I'm not in control. My sanctuary has become my worst enemy.

I hate my job now that its mostly politics (this is why I hate management). Anyways, I am trying really hard to maintain as though I was only in the classroom, but I an failing miserably. Of course none of this siys well with my PTSD and I can't handle it. I'm ready to throw in the towel and give up.

 

[jd9900]

Man I can totally relate. It is from a slightly different perspective but none the less the same.

I was a gifted network engineer. I worked for banks the world over as a "white hat" hacker. I spent my life and talents feeding corporate greed. I too was pushed into promotion because I was a "senior" engineer - I was not. I was only doing my job, but apparently I did it too well and people didn't understand why my dog was the only friend I had.

So day after day, shift after shift, I did my job. I''d fly to south Korea China (I can no longer go to China, let's just say the Great Firewall of China is up, running, and I am on their no fly list...)

I broke. I still am. I wish I had advice, unfortunately I just have sympathy for what you are going through.

Hold your head up - it is what I do, and in deed it has helped.

 

[nursenurse]

Time to dust off that resume, another pain in the arse stressor. PTSD or not, everyone needs to be in a job they love as much as possible. You spend a good chunk of your waking hours there, and the rest of your waking hours possibly thinking about being there. If you hate, your life will just tank.

I'm not sure how things work where you are, but is there another school board where you could apply for a teaching position? Is there anything else you would consider doing? Perhaps see a career counsellor to go over ideas and options with you? Where you are presently, you said you would take a financial hit if your teaching position changed. Is it possible to plan around that, then, for the time being? Your peace of mind and happiness should not bow to money, but I also understand financial obligations.

I was in management once, many years ago, and I thought I liked it. It certainly had challenges as the Agency was going through a crisis of its own when I accepted the position. One day, I had a major panic attack that mimicked a heart attack. I thought I was buying the farm, ended up in the ER. I had been going through some personal nonsense, and chalked it up to that, but took a leave of absence. I went in after 3 months to talk with my boss and occupational health, this was on a Friday, I was going to start back on modified the following Monday. All was well until I took the stairs out and said to myself "I am never setting foot in here again." Emailed the boss that night.

And I have never looked back.

What I am saying is you need to gather your strength and the courage for change. Your regular therapist if you have one, would be a good sounding board, and as I said before, perhaps a career counsellor. You need a Plan B. You have managed well with a job that agrees with you until recently, you know your limits. It is possible you may learn to like the job, but honestly I felt that in management I had less autonomy - always under a more powerful microscope. Remember the reasons you got into teaching in the first place - it was probably because you loved teaching! You could have your PhD and still be unhappy in the upper management world, and there is simply nothing wrong with that. Education is never a waste, those who tell you otherwise to strong arm you into doing something you don't want to do and don't like to do, are a waste. Good luck, with some thought, planning and support, you should be able to move on and be happy. Best of luck to you, life is too short to be doing something you hate.

 

[DMerish]

You've got the smarts, otherwise you wouldn't have been placed in the position you're currently in. Rather than using your smarts for doing what other people want you to do, use your smarts to work at a job that you like. If teaching is your passion, get back to it. A bit less income? Adjust your lifestyle and lower expenses. When you understand the change is needed for your happiness. Don't look at it as "giving up" - look at it as giving yourself what you need.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Ha, that's what my therapist says and I agree with you guys. I have dusted off my resume and have been looking (but here in California the job market is really bad). I would take a pretty good financial hit to do anything other than teaching here (I'm well into the 6 digits). Of course, I can live on practically nothing as I have before, so I can definitely find a job that is teaching only, but none one of the schools out here are hiring and if they are it's adjunct and I would lose my benefits (medical included).

I take quite a few psych meds (7), I have to have yet another surgery in the beginning of next year because my innards are falling out, which have precipitated OAB and incontinence . It's my understanding that a lot of these can be caused by my past. The rape, sodomy and having other objects shoved in there caused a significant weakening in my pelvic floor and walls, but who knows. I'm asthmatic and I'm iron deficient (not the simple B12 shot and I'm good to go). To top it all off I went from perfect vision to trifocals in a year. Just so you know, I just turned 40.

Another problem is that I'm overqualified (because of my damn degrees) for anything that doesn't include management. My next step is to delete all the shit on my resume that has anything to do with degrees and credentialing and start over.

I know it sounds like a bunch of excuses, but to be honest, It took me a long time to get into a position where I could buy a house, a new car, etcetera. Although I have lived without them (rent and downgrade on the car amongst other things), I really don't want to loose them. I worked so freaking hard to get where I am today.

I have not given up though, I will continue to throw my resume out there in hopes of finding something that will give me my happiness back at work!!!

 

[arfie]

I know the feel. I quit my last career job in 1995 because the SOB's wanted to promote me. In my case, it was an Equal Opportunity promotion. Construction in a company with government contracts. Whatever is claimed on paper, I was the "lead bitch" on the job site and the boy pups would have eaten me alive if I had taken the promotion. Even as an "equal" they were pretty brutal in their nips and scratches. I was not even close to believing management had realistic notions of what I was going through, much less the ability to support me through it.

A basic law of bureaucracy is that all shall be promoted to their level of incompetence and left there for life. So sorry you achieved that honor. Especially tragic for the extreme shortage of good teachers in our schools. Dare I hope you can use your new position to chip away at that fundamental flaw?

So or no, keep sharing the load. You are not alone.

 

[Ghostybear73]

.Dare I hope you can use your new position to chip away at that fundamental flaw?

That is a wonderful idea. I think I will try that and maybe get normalcy back at my workplace!!

Thank you

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Honestly I think the notion that people must use their degrees is a bunch of crap. Yes, there is such a concept as education simply for the sake of knowledge and not as a means to an end in terms of pushing yourself higher on the career ladder. It's a shame when education becomes limiting when it should open more doors and give us more choices, not less.

 

[arfie]

Thank you, Ghostybear.
One person cannot do it alone, but it comforts me to know the hope has acquired another voice.

 

[DMerish]

Honestly I think the notion that people must use their degrees is a bunch of crap.

I used to work as an administrator for a college. It opened my eyes. IMHO, now days getting a degree'd education and a job that corresponds to the degree is a game primarily controlled by the educational institutions, big banks and the government. At least in the US (not sure about other areas).

 

[jd9900]

Time to dust off that resume, another pain in the arse stressor. PTSD or not, everyone needs to be in a job they love as much as possible. You spend a good chunk of your waking hours there, and the rest of your waking hours possibly thinking about being there. If you hate, your life will just tank.

Like like like plus one like up carrot what she said this.....

Um. Yeah, Agreed. 1/3 of your waking hours are spent employed. if you are spending the other 2/3s hating it, it's time to move on.

 

[Britt.f7]

Money isn't everything, but it helps, as the saying goes. I'm sorry to hear that you lost your teaching position that you enjoyed. Very few people get to do what they love and I think it is awesome when you get to. It is a shame that that was taken away from you. Maybe they'll see that this new position is not meant for you and change their minds. It would be great if they realized that.