I Wanted To Speak Up But I Couldn't

[Jnean]

I cried a lot tonight. Had a triggering night hearing other peoples stories of sexual abuse.

 

[ladee]

I am sorry that you were overwhelmed.. but we also know, 'exposure' to the things we have endured help us in the long run... have a good cry. You will speak up when you speak up. Nothing wrong with just listening. Maybe you will next time, or the next time after that. Be kind to yourself, first and foremost...
Glad you shared, you are not alone. sending comforting hugs if you accept.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I'm sorry to hear that, Jnean. :hug: are you in group therapy?

 

[Jnean]

Yes. It will help me heal. I've been through the worst already and I'm safe now. Safe to cry, safe to heal, safe to talk with you all, and accept your hugs and kind words. Thank you.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I'm in group, as well, and after the first few sessions, I walked out feeling like I'd been flayed. It's getting much easier for me. Is group new for you?

 

[Jnean]

yes first one tonight, been feeling roughed up on the inside but I know I feel scared of exposing my secrets.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I never would have believed it, but it really does get easier. :)

 

[Jnean]

thanks I'm hoping so. Feels like such a long journey like I have so much further to go.

 

[Jnean]

what did I want to say? I may not be ready to lay my weapons down but I'm trying to deal with flooded images and body sensations, piecing my abuse together feels like the largest puzzle to me with missing pieces.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I can strongly relate to how you feel. Nightmares can be so horrible, they can feel like little traumas on their own.
How are you doing now?

Hugs if you accept.

 

[Jnean]

thanks for checking in, when I was 7 I knew it wasn't my daddy loving me anymore, I wanted to say something but I was too scared. He stunk of alcohol, no one would believe me if I tried to speak up so I left a light on. My happy place was filled with toys. I would go there when my little girl was screaming inside. By the time I was 7, I was beaten, molested and raped, it only got worse. So not sure how I'm doing. I had to live in survival mode for so long, I didn't care if I died. I tired to kill myself, I cut, did drugs. Now I am actually feeling scared that I won't survive, how can I if more comes up in therapy. I feel broken already so how much more can break. It feels like I'm in a very dark tunnel crawling in my own blood as an infant, a child, a teenager, and now an adult. I'm flooded with faces from my past who have hurt me badly. Why was I a target, can I make it with out self harm, drugs, or worse.i have to.

 

[ladee]

@Jnean , will you make it? I certainly pray that you do.. You have had a horrible life. As most of us here. Why am I here? To learn, to face it, to heal it, and to let it go. I have been on this journey for many years. And at the beginning I felt the same as you... I had to learn to break it down into parts that wasn't larger than me . Was I pushed by my T's at times.. of course I was... because they knew I just needed to heal it. We tend to spend a lot of time in fear, when doing some work eventually takes care of it.. and speaking of myself here ...
So, hoping you have a T, are on meds if you need to be, and you are able to get the most out of peer support as many of us have experience to share... but I also learn, every day I learn on this site... I have a notebook I keep by computer, and when something that sounds right for me gets my attention... I write it down...and then work on it.
I hope you stay around, reach out when you need help, and learn that you are valued.
You have work ahead of you... but you are not alone... we are always here... sending you gentle hugs of understanding... and you will get thru this... you will.