Relationship Ignoring, Detaching And Other Distancing Behaviours

[mixtapeheartache]

Although she insisted that she was grateful to continue to have me in her life, and that we shared many kind words about each other, I have not heard from my ex in a couple months. She was very happy to see me last and that we cleared things up (we agreed to be friends). Abstract posted some possible feelings she may experiencing (hope you don't mind me posting them here):

Going back to talking about actions and what they say. Here are a couple that may apply to PTSD that would not normally be something you would expect and where actions have zero or are inversely connected with how much they care:
* They are staying away as they feel volatile and care too much about you to risk exposing you to that.
* The amount of feelings they have for you makes them feel unsafe and off balance while they are going through an episode. Like an exposed nerve.
* They are in a self hating phase which comes along with feelings of being intensely toxic at a core level and want to protect those they care about by not exposing them to that. Being around others makes them feel worse.
*Their symptoms are out of control and they cannot cope with interacting with anyone at present no matter how much they care. Every word they say to you costs them and causes more disruption.
* They sense the hurt in you when they interact with you and that makes them believe they need to stay away.
* Interacting inevitably brings on more possible moves for physical contact and emotional conversations as a well as possible pressure to discuss things. As all are overwhelming and destabilising there is an instinctive need to create distance. All the former can feel like a boundary issue.

Do any sufferers have any other insights into such behavior and the possible feelings / emotions that go along with it?

Thanks in advance!

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Or please, share your own.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I see posts like this and I feel that they are mere diversion tactics. You're asking for a speculative answer to something and we will never be able to tell you for sure.

I feel that by answering, I am perpetuating the putting off of the healing and moving on that you need to do. If we give you reason upon reason as to why PTSD is to blame for this behavior, it takes away any personal responsibility (and the credibility of the sufferer as to what she truly wants).

The truth is that she made this decision. A lot of relationships end with both parties feeling that they want to remain "friends" but this often means different things. One party may expect a level of friendship in which communication happens every day, while the other thinks of a continued friendship as being something with a lot less communication, something more along the lines "I still like you as a person and there's no animosity so that means we're friends".

My priest/spiritual advisor is quite blunt about the "why" issue. She stresses that it doesn't matter. And she's right. Questioning why something happens often keeps us from moving on. Why? (Haha, no pun intended!) Simply because we will never definitively know why most of this stuff happens. A guess may seem comforting, but why find comfort in something that is only a guess and not necessarily the truth?

My point is that it's been two months. I urge you to accept your former sufferers behavior as it is and move on for your sake. We don't know her and speculating why she broke up with you and hasn't been in contact isn't going to do you any good. And most importantly, it feeds an unhealthy notion that if she wasn't disordered, she wouldn't be doing any of this. As a sufferer myself, I cannot support this line of thinking as it reduces our actions to being solely PTSD based.

My opinion? She may just not be that into you. (It's equally as plausible as the above explanations but doesn't keep you hanging on to the hope that it's not her, rather its PTSD).

 

[Abstract]

Hi Mixt,

I don't mind. And just so others know the context of what I said I did also list that it is also possible that someone is just not that into you or not committed to the relationship. And that I also added that regardless you still need to look at how you feel.

Personally, initially, I think it is useful to look at the big picture and consider all (not just one extreme or the other as none of us know which applies) but I do agree with solara that at some point it can be a distraction. As regardless of the reasons you are still left having to decide what is OK for you. If it is damaging or if you are more connected that she then that means trouble for you.

I also agree that different people have different ideas of what "staying friends" entails. For some it means not being enemies and for others someone they are in constant contact with.

There is another possibility and that is that she is so caught up in her own stuff that there just isn't any room for anyone else and she isn't thinking of anyone or anything other than that. It doesn't sound like this is likely from what you have said in the past but it seems some use distancing as a weapon and a form of emotional abuse - a means of aggression or passive aggression - and that is possible too.

Two months is a long time and regardless of what the reasoning is the solution is for you to start concentrating on you and living your life. There is zero you can do about how she behaves or how she feels about you.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

I should be clear--- this topic post is not specifically about *her* behavior, but rather *common behavior*.

I also know why we parted ways in an intimate relationship tip,as she said as clearly as much, so I am not looking for answers. It's relatively obvious to me.

The whole "she's just not that into you" is a valid position, but also a cop out, specifically in many context. It would be the same of the same ilk as me leaving a topic post here, thanking and praising everyone with sincere gratitude, showering platitudes, how you've all been so helpful, that this is the best website I have ever been too, and I plan on coming back here regularly.

Then I never login again. There is no logic to that behavior, no purpose to me instantiating the showering of such gratitude. It's possible, "well, I'm just not into this site anymore", we all have the right to change our minds, but the behavior is very curious indeed.

There is a lot of opposing literature out there. Some say continue to reach out in small ways, others say completely detach and so on. Perhaps, its simply a question of balance, I suppose.

Why does it matter? Well, if someone is suffering from a mental illness, and they treat you poorly and you simply walk away because the root cause of the behavior is of little consequence, well, that sounds a whole lot like indifference and perhaps selfishness (and this line of thinking can be dangerously close to codependent); there is a difference between *self-interest* and *selfishness*.

You meet very few special people in your life. I cannot be so cavalier about walking away from someone, and perhaps, that is my issue. :)
Thanks for the critiques!

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Yes, I should have mentioned, Abstract gave a very balances response to my previous topic posts.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

I suppose she *did* contact me about 3 or 4 weeks ago with an email that said "Thanks!" for a link I thought she might enjoy. My sense of time is perhaps indicative of how I feel.

Gah!

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

There is a lot of opposing literature out there. Some say continue to reach out in small ways, others say completely detach and so on. Perhaps, its simply a question of balance, I suppose.

I completely agree, there is no how to book on PTSD or even a try this, then this approach. I wish I knew. I know I am no longer in a romantic relationship with my sufferer, he is isolating. I do not know if I should remind him I am here or completely leave him alone. He is/ was my best friend. I do not want him to not have someone he can turn to if he needs or can.

I understand where you are coming from, I really do. Your "normal" or past experiences just do not apply in a situation with a sufferer, in my opinion. Abstract gave the best possible response, in my opinion that i have seen so far in your other post regarding isolating or distancing from a loved one. She could be isolating. If she is, the most common thought is to give a sufferer space and go on with your life. My advise, only based on my personal experience - maybe write her an email that you are always here if she ever wants or needs a friend. And then move on. It bites and it hurts, but there really is no choice. You cannot support her or help her if she will not let you. Accepting that is one of the hardest things I have had to do.

Cyber hug (Hope you do not mind)

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Ain't that the truth, Ruth. Sigh.

We left on very positive terms, as I have mentioned before, so the lack of communication is / was a bit perplexing.

I write handwritten letters every now and again (although I have yet to mail one yet), a simple email with a link to something she might like, a benign text asking how her weekend was. No real responses (but perhaps I purposely don't lend content most of the time to need one). I guess if I say "Hello" to someone, even a stranger, the common expectation / response would be, "Hello" back. :)

I guess at least is isn't "Leave me the hell, alone." :)

But, honestly, I would rather have that then silence. Then, I would have a tangible retort of meaning that I could process.

Meh.

P.S. I actually did find these books : The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder For Dummies relatively useful-- the former does have details on how to deal with PTSD in the context of different types of relationships. The latter has a chapter for Supporters I believe.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Already read The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship, but not Post Traumatic Stress Disorder For Dummies. Also read When Someone You Loves Suffers from Posttraumatic Stress and The War at Home. Both good, first was more clinical, but The war at Home is definitely more of case example so I did find it useful, but not a lot in it about isolating.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I guess at least is isn't "Leave me the hell, alone."

But, honestly, I would rather have that then silence. Then, I would have a tangible retort of meaning that I could process.

Completely understand! I would have much rather it been that in my case too.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Is it so odd to ask, I wonder.

"You said you were grateful and very lucky to continue to have me in your life. We haven't spoken in about 5 weeks, or so. Everyone has the right to change their mind. Is the lack of responses / contact a consequence of PTSD / anxiety, or do you simply not enjoy my company / friendship and have no need / desire for it? In any case, either response, I understand. Just kindly let me know."

Perhaps the "You said you were..." is a bit "Hey look, look, you said *this*". If I ever actually asked, I suspect I would just leave that out.

She hasn't said any different though, and the two responses (weeks and weeks ago) I have ever gotten from her after we last saw each other were gracious "Thanks", so maybe I just go about my business and contact her when I want to with pleasant generalities, and don't when I don't, and leave it to her if she wants to get back to me or tell me to leave her alone.

Meh. I'm neurotic, I think. And stubborn, too. More cyber-hugs!